Federation Yearbook - April 1997

THE MONTH IN BRIEF

In April the problems of lag continued, caused both by the sheer numbers in the game, and by slowdowns on AOL's network. But finally, at the end of the month, the TechDroid put in a major new code release. You can read all about the changes, problems and new features that resulted from this in the May yearbook.

The Fed News started to warn players about deathtrap planets, which were becoming fashionable again.

Fed's Game Manager, MagsT1000, resigned due to a new job in "real life". The demi-Goddess Hazed, who had been taking a back-seat in Fed while she worked on other projects, came forward again and took up the Game Manager duties.

GrahamM's second kissing contest was a great success. It was won by AlexHoltz and Happi777, and held on the planet Ewwww (appropriate!) owned by DavidS6758.

FROM THE POSTBAG: PART I

An inquiring player wrote to Alan Lenton saying:

"did u make fed how did u do it send me the plans for fed".

This immediately threw Alan into a panic, as he realized he did not know where the plans for Fed are!

Many people write and ask "what was Fed written in?". The answer is, it was written in green crayon on the back of an old envelope. And right now Our Illustrious Leader has mislaid the envelope. Without the envelope, upon which are written the plans for Fed, Alan cannot send the plans to people who ask for them. What a problem!

FROM THE POSTBAG: PART II

Fed has been visited by a property developer, who wrote to the MailDroid with the following query:

"I literally want to buy the mansion on earth. I want to change it and add more rooms. I want to make it so nobody can get in but me and who I allow. How many groats will it take and who should I pay?"

We are glad this offer is literal, rather than figurative, or allegorical, or even metaphorical!

Sorry, but the owner of the mansion is very happy living where he does and has no intention of selling. In fact he was quite offended by the suggestion that it be changed, and have more rooms added - he prides himself on his architectural expertise and interior design skills and believes that his mansion cannot possibly be improved.

FROM THE POSTBAG: PART III

The MailDroids received the following question:

"If someone has a price on their head, and they type SUICIDE, do they get it?"

Well, what a clever thought! Wouldn't it be nice if that did happen? All you would have to do to get rich would be to taunt your betters and generally act in a snert-ish way until your reward mounted to a suitable level, and then whip out your Swiss army knife and slash your wrists, thereby collecting the loot!

But no. That would be too easy. You don't get the reward if you suicide. Another plan bites the dust.

FROM THE POSTBAG: PART IV

Here's someone who is either very, very brave or very, very stupid. Or both.

"Could you arrange a time for me or other Fedders to meet Ming?"

Now, let's get this straight. Ming is the Emperor of the Galaxy. He's a busy guy. He doesn't have time to shake hands, press the flesh, meet his public.

Besides, he's a homicidal maniac. No-one in their right minds goes near His Imperial Majesty unless they have been explicitly summoned into his presence; and then they are lucky to escape without being flogged, or beheaded, or fed to Ming's pet crocodiles.

It's really not a good idea to ask for an appointment with Ming. You might get it!

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

On Saturday afternoon, several players were gleefully laughing as a familiar face attached to a Commander rank was trudging around the Solar System. Yes, that's right, it was the one, the only... Icedrake.

When asked what happened, the scaled one merely snarled a, "No comment" and continued on his way. Wild speculation began to form, and before long, several theories were hatched.

1) Icedrake had forgotten to make his yearly pilgrimage to the shrine of the beloved demi-Goddess Hazed and was being punished.

2) Emperor Ming caught Icedrake eating the last prawn.

3) Icedrake accidentally told Hazed a big whopping spoiler about the new episodes of Babylon 5.

4) While hunting pixies, Icedrake got caught up in such a feeding frenzy that he ate himself.

Will Icedrake ever escape the realm of Commander and pay off his loan? (Right now he's griping over the loss of his teleporter - he can't even get into his office to see what the reviewdroids have prepared for him!) Tune in and find out!

COURT NOTICE

The people of Federation charge the Fed Contractor, NEWTRUSH, with the crimes of purchasing cheap reality fabric, the disappearance of toilet paper in the public loos and the shortage of light bulbs for the above mentioned loos.

Being under surveillance for some time now, NEWTRUSH has been seen purchasing second rate supplies and ignoring the constant demand for better conditions in the loos. The people refuse to take it any longer.

Court date is set for April 11th, 10:00PM eastern in the Court House on Earth. Please join us at this time to help select a jury and decide the verdict of this guilty man.

THE TRIAL OF NEWTRUSH

Friday night Fed court was convened with Caseopia6 presiding, and looking lovely in her bikini. NEWTRUSH was brought up on charges of supplying cheap loo paper and even cheaper Reality fabric to Fed DataSpace.

Prosecutor Wpoco also had a few surprise last-minute charges of murder! She had proof that the defendant conspired to murder the Royalty of Federation, resulting in the deaths of Alais, MarciJones, Tyarra, and Amenemhet. She had 3 witnesses to call to back up her charges.

These extracts from the court report just in:

Wpoco says, "To prove these claims I will call MMoff39264, Alais will channel through me to give testimony from beyond the grave, and I have a sworn deposition from DokTarE, our expert medical witness."

MMoff was first and claimed he was with NEWTRUSH on the night of the murders. Alais showed up in ghostly form and channeled part of her testimony through the 'Persecutor' (sic) Wpoco.

NEWTRUSH was adequately defended by his lawyer ChazMan385. Chaz' first witness was AndyKaufmn who claimed he saw NEWTRUSH's look alike brother NEWTBUSH commit the crimes!

NEWTBUSH appeared and the prosecution grumbled a bit at the fact that he was a groundhog, and so was immune to bribes. But Wpoco recovered quickly and pointed out that a GroundHog could not have been anywhere outside of SOL. ChazMan385 was quick to point out that NEWTBUSH had recently died without insurance and was a higher rank on the evening of the murders, then put in a plug for leniency to the poor guy since he'd already suffered death twice and was a GroundHog.

As the jury was starting to give their verdicts, a surprise witness jumped up and asked for the court's attention:

LittleQue says, "Wait! Your honor I can't stand seeing an innocent man going to jail. I have information about these crimes that has not been told. Information that will prove the Newts are both innocent."

LittleQue testified that neither of the brothers were under their own power. She claimed that the actual crimes were committed by witches, the Duchesse Wpoco and Duchesse NamCD being the main two involved.

Suddenly something strange happened to the judge, and she started speaking some strange nonsense about a head Fed witch that caused the NEWT brothers to act as they did. However, the jury didn't seem to buy it as they voted 10 guilties to 5 not guilties

Unfortunately the convicted murderer escaped via teleporter before the mob could string the rope properly. (No one seemed to know just how to make a noose). NEWTRUSH is now a fugitive from Fed justice and will have to remain on the run at least until Wpoco finds another victim.

Join us again in 2 weeks, when we bring charges against another member of the Fed conspiracy at 10:00PM eastern.

COURT CASE

Friday April 25,1997 at 10:00PM eastern, Court will once again be convened. Judge Casseopia6 will preside over an inquest into crimes against SOL, specifically the tampering with SOL's water supplies with the intent of giving everyone a love potion.

The results of this love potion have been a massive spamming of the bar boards with love and pining and a tremendous increase in the use of physical commands such as kissing, snogging, groping etc.

As of this writing officials were on the prowl for suspects but would not divulge any information regarding them in fear that they would flee Fed DataSpace before being captured.

Join us Friday night at 10:00PM eastern in Earth's courtroom for the trial of the Fugitive Fluoridators!

KINTARO VS. THE REST OF FED
Kintaro 78's twisted view on the Fed universe

Hello again. My article, now bi-monthly, is finally back in business forever. That's right, I've just signed a contract that will make me write this article for the rest of my lifetime. I wasn't completely satisfied with it, but I signed under the fine print that said I would give up my human rights anyway. Now, I've got two whole cubic meters of office space and a 2000 IG salary! Wow, 2000 shiny groats every month... I can't wait!

To start things off, I'm going to do what I do best: nitpicking. For my younger audience, 'nitpicking' means to inform everyone that everything that I think sucks is 'wack to the max!' I'm going to nitpick about lots of stuff, especially all the 'wack' problems in Fed. So, without further adu, (did I spell that right?) (No - Editor.) here's...

KINTARO'S LIST OF PROBLEMS!

1. No planet named Monopoly
Sure, planets are a lot of fun, but we're missing board game planets! Who wouldn't want a planet Battleship, or a planet Yahtzee? Of course, the king of them all would be Monopoly. The PO would be able to auction off parts of the planet and collect a portion of the planet's profits! What a great idea! Too bad RichMonopolyGuy is too long for a screen name...

2. Diesel doesn't exist in real life
Although this is officially a problem with real life, and not Fed, I had to bring it up.

3. No SPAM
When I was but a little GroundHog, my first thought about Fed was "No Specially Prepared Assorted Meat?!?" How could anyone possibly be able to torture someone to death without SPAM? Whether you're smearing it over someone's 100 meg prom dress or force feeding a political adversary, nothing does the job better than SPAM. The only things you had to remember were to remove the slime layer before force feeding (no one deserves that sort of cruelty), and never to throw it out. (It takes centuries to decompose!) Why, the uses for SPAM are infinite. Tell Hazed you want SPAM! Let's organize a rally!

4. Ming is more like Stalin than anyone else
I think the title of this topic explains it all. I better not get arrested for speaking out again. Last time they did that, they stole my M&M stash.

5. No lag equivalent of bug spray
In real life, you can kill an annoying bug by spraying it. In Fed, you can't kill an annoying lag at all, and you have to walk your dog and get a nice hot cup of tea before something actually happens is Fed. I'm sure there are, oh, say, a gazillion Fed-heads that would love to be able to develop the lag spray.

6. No soap operas
No SPAM, no soaps... what was Alan Lenton thinking? Obviously he was thinking of a perfect world where we didn't have to put up with crap like that. But, since Fed does have me, the equivalent of the funny pages in your local newspaper, it is logical to assume that I must have an opposite. Soaps would fit the bill nicely. Although guild politics are similar to shows like "As the Days of My Life Turn", it just isn't the same.

7. Practical jokes are difficult to pull off
Let's face it: unless you own a planet or have a slew of friends in high places, it's nearly impossible to pull of a good joke in Fed. Sure, you could always tell your friend to go 2 spaces south of Mercury, but this gets old fast. There aren't even any pay phones to make prank calls from. Uh, not like I'd ever do that sort of thing...

And that is that. If you really want to show your support for these psuedo-funny pages, then slam your hand onto the keyboard a few times and send a nice letter to Kintaro78@aol.com. It's as simple as... as... something reeeeeally simple. Just don't start stalking me. I hate it when people do that.

CANTINA AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
by AndyKaufman

We have all spent countless hours in a bar, most of us in the Cantina when we were NewBods, or perhaps the quaint Chez Diesel. But it seems lately that these bars have been getting out of hand. Instead of quiet conversation, people are waging wars, with plagiarized Star Wars weaponry, and vulgar comments. I remember back in the days where I could buy a drink for everyone, and get a round of thanks in return. Now if I buy a drink, I'm answered with a polite scroll of nothing but pointless conversation. Every now and then a beggar comes by, asking for his 200,000 to pay off his ship. Frankly, it gets me mad. But what am I gonna do to change all this?

Nothing. What can a measly squire do against a seemingly endless horde of

drunkards? (Not talking about all those romantics and friendly people!) So, in my case, I just buy a thousand rounds, hope that people get so drunk they fall backwards into some pile of muck that a Player-made bantha just laid, and run away screaming. If I can't stop the madness... surely someone can... could be BByro, could be.... YOU!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PROMOTE THIS CYCLE
by Tickenest

10. You try to play with your outputs from your Games facs.
9. You think expenditure is a good thing.
8. You use the SET LAYOFF command.
7. You yell on channel 9 demanding Arts facs incessantly.
6. Your motto: "A high-paid worker is a happy worker."
5. You keep trying to use the SET OUTPUT BLACK MARKET command.
4. You buy 12 Soya facs because you're a vegetarian.
3. You give your workthingies a week's paid vacation every cycle.
2. You buy 12 Meat facs because you're a carnivore.
1. They say macro, you think fish.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SAY WHEN TOLD TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER

10. Just one more minute Honey! (Or Mom and Dad).
9. If I don't finish hauling this, a planet owner will get really mad at me.
8. But if I quit now, they'll call me a Snert.
7. I can't quit now! My planet is offline and I'm in the workbench!
6. I have to have a wreath, and this snert's been begging for it!
5. There's a red X on my LP and I have to man the gunnery station.
4. But they're auctioning slaves and I want to buy a Mouse really bad!
3. But everyone is counting on me to overthrow Ming.
2. But I have to come up with a top ten list so I can get in Fed News!

And the number 1 reason:

1. I can't sign off until I have more Intelligence!

TOP TEN REASONS WE *NEED* SNERTS

10. They keep the conversation lively on 9.
9. We can let all our frustrations out on them.
8. We need a real enemy to fight... we can't DD lag!
7. A great way to test those DD planets, ideas, and theories.
6. If we didn't have snerts, we'd be fighting each other instead.
5. We can look at their misery and say "I'm glad that's not me!"
4. We can brag about killing them by the thousands.
3. They go well with wine, but be sure to cook them properly.
2. We can make use of all those insults we've been storing over the years.
1. It's an excellent reminder of how powerful we are compared to them.

TOP TEN WAYS TO GET BEGGERS OFF YOUR BACK
by Tickenest

10. Toss a few groats into the pit on Mars and tell them to fetch.
9. Tell them to meet you on the Starbase1 LP.
8. Tell them you dropped 100 meg in the Transuranics room on Titan.
7. Have the Martian Invaders blow them to smithereens.
6. Demand a 50 meg security deposit.
5. If you've got a warper, bring them to Horsell with you, then log off.
4. Tell them about the benefits of the CHEAT command.
3. Offer them a hauling contract to Odyssey.
2. Tell them pressing ALT+F4 is a cheat for lots of groats.
1. Explain that 'LOL' doesn't mean 'Lending Out Loans'.

TOP TEN SIGNS FED HAS TOO MANY TOP TEN LIST WRITERS
by Tickenest

10. The real news is when something other than a TT list makes the news.
9. Someone makes a TTListWrtr alt.
8. Creativity is made a violation of Federation policy.
7. People start selling list-writing macros.
6. Shouts on channel 9 of 'My list is better than yours! :P' are heard frequently.
5. The NewsBot starts sending nasty emails with threats of DDs and floggings to submitters.
4. Fed staff has to hire a new TTBot just to handle all the submissions.
3. AOL drops Fed from its system because all the submissions keep breaking the email system.
2. The lag vanishes because people stop playing Fed to write lists.
1. Tickenest retires from list-writing. I'd just like to say to everyone that I've enjoyed being a writer, but it seems Fed has plenty of TT list-writers to endure without me. So, folks, keep submitting and let the NewsBot sort everything out. ;)

QUOTES OF THE MONTH

"If you don't wanna type out the whole description, then just type "buy clothes Victoria Secret, Spring 97, page 23, second woman from the left", says RichFranck.

Your comm unit relays a message from Wpoco, "Population level: 2,205...Breed my fuzzy little harpies...breed".

Your comm unit crackles with a message from TROLL91942, "to all GM's I need to see one of you so I may advance please IM me with location"

Your comm unit relays a message from RChubb1030, ":::slides into da Nav chair mummbling something about daylight savings::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Zadscmc, "I save daylight forever, but when I need it at midnight, my balance is always zero.".

Your comm unit crackles with a message from DAN1Boomer, " Whats Energy Dad?,"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from ZAMBUCA1, "When a PO gropes and snogs so many times.... They need to do an Energy build to bring back the stam."

GrahamM says, "Federation old-timers never die..... they just get slowly sucked up by the lag."

Your comm unit relays a message from XxRomeo, "ya, why cant the GM fax me my trading permit?".

Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from Olias7, "Well, after 2 or 3, "Where are you? I dunno. Where are you? I dunnos," it became obvious that you're no Vasco DaGama.".

Your comm unit relays a message from BegarsTomb, "Bring me your tired, your hungry, your huddled masses...bring me your spices, your tex, your soya and gas<es>".

Your comm unit relays a message from TEDDYSEA, "actually lag isn't appropriate - that indicates some sort of steady movement...".

Your comm unit relays a message from Fullbloom1, "I want my FO expel command!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Slicer634, "I want my Snert expel command!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Kurtulmer, "I want my FO incinerate command".
>XT I want my Boring Lag Conversationalist Expel Command

CLOTHES OF THE MONTH

>ex sireo999
A conservative suit...three piece..nice shoes..He is going to promote soon..and his mom dressed him like this

>ex tbarranch
He is dressed in cute Royal Blue silk jammies with little Hazed and Ming prints all over them.

ACT OF THE MONTH

ZAMBUCA1 gives you a passionate goose. You look at the bird and wish it was another form of goose.

BULLETIN ENDS