FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: BUFFIE AND SATAN
by Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Advice and Dissent
Hellooooo Dahhhhlings! Another two weeks has just flown by, and my social schedule has never been busier! If I am not attending a benefit with a few distinguished billionaires in one corner of Sol, I am having a fabulously catered luncheon in the other corner of Sol with some prominent royalty. My poor spaceship is dire need of a replacement. I wonder if it is in the Fed II Star budget... Blaze? Hazed?
After this hectic fortnight, this reporter could divert you with tales of festivities to fill up this entire paper. But this reporter needs to get something off her ::ahem:: chest. I yield this column to vent about a situation that has cropped up since my last column two weeks ago. Vent, you ask? What would a world class socialite and fabulous journalist need to vent about? It would seem, on the surface, that this intrepid reporter has everything... the world at her fingertips, as it were and not a care in the world. How wrong you would be.
It seems that this paper has introduced a certain "feature" in the last edition, written by the 'Adversary of God'. Now, this reporter has an open mind, and I am sure the Dark One could have some excellent advice, but for what social situation would anyone in their right mind turn to The Fallen One? What is the right kind of devil to send to Selena to search for converts? What is the right time of day to possess someone? Or, what human form is the proper manifestation when being introduced to a Prince?
I certainly don't want the Fed II Star to become 'that paper that advises Anti-Christs'. This paper has the highest of journalistic standards to uphold and it would be appalling to have that reputation tarnished in any way by this advice column. When I asked Blaze why Hazed would let Him write an advice column for the Fed II Star, her answer was, 'Hath thou an arm like the Lord?' I am going to need some time to fathom that answer. I certainly hope this was not a publicity stunt, or that Blaze has sold her soul to Him for some pirate booty in return for the column space!
I still hope that the Fed II Star reputation can be reclaimed. And, I propose to exorcise the Dark One from the editorial offices if some remedial steps are not taken to assuage my fears for the paper. Stay tuned dearies... This is a fight for the soul of the Fed II Star! Ta ta for now! If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to let me know of upcoming events, please do so!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: CHILDCARE
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy – ho, hum right?
Wrong. This week I traveled to Rhea, to examine some strange-looking rocks that had been discovered while clearing a new agricultural field. It turned out the "artifacts" were actually petrified pet armadillos, left behind by the first colonists. But my trip to Rhea included a stopover on Castillo, and that's where the fun began.
With my luxury liner not departing for three standard hours, I wandered around the little moon, in search of some entertainment. When I wandered into Fedruckers, I knew I had not only found three hours worth of amusement, but also a goldmine of cultural commentary about our galaxy's inhabitants, especially those who have families.
Fedruckers is a family-oriented restaurant, with unruly children around every corner. Hyperactive children seem to feed off of one another's behavior and Fedruckers seemed to channel all the activity in the solar system into one room. The noise! My heart went out to those poor parents who were attempting to restore order and discipline to their children.
It seems nowadays that this scene is all too common across many colony worlds. Long work hours far from the comforts of Earth mean that parents are less present in the home. Children are being raised by holos and vids, and even droid nannies for the wealthier elite. Droid workers which should supplement human labor, allowing for more leisure time are instead replacing humans, causing many parents to work multiple jobs in order to provide for their families.
And that's only for the traditional nuclear family. As more Fedizens focus solely on their jobs and careers, fewer and fewer families are being started. When was the last time you saw a Captain dragging his or her or its family about while hauling? It would be extremely awkward, especially since new ship models no longer provide living quarters. The decline of the traditional family structure also places strain on those who attempt to maintain the nuclear family in this millenium. Some day it may lead to the complete disappearance of the nuclear family from society, especially with advances in cloning technology making procreation for the good of the species a null point.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
WWSD: WHAT WOULD SATAN DO? DRINKING AND FLYING
Hello again and welcome to another rousing edition of 'What Would Satan Do?' This week we have two pleas for advice, so let's get started!
Dear Satan,
Is it against the rules to drink and drive a spaceship in Fed II?
-Buzzed on Brass
Dear Buzzed,
Yes, but don't let that stop you. If there's one thing I've taught the universe, it is that the man is trying to keep you down and you should laugh in the face of his oppressive rules. So don't let that ninth glass of scotch keep you from jumping behind the wheel! My homeland is in the midst of a campaign to increase our population and every little bit helps!
-Satan
Dear Satan,
What is the proper protocol for hassling staff?
-Rebel on Rhea
Dear Rebel,
Good question! It's actually become a highly ritualized process in the past 215 years. The first step is to initiate the annoyance by saying hello to all of Fed, laughably oblivious to the fact that nobody cares if you're there or not. Next, find the most important staff member who's in the middle of something and immediately run to his or her location.
Once you're in the same room communicate in TBs anyway just to force the staff member to type the maximum number of characters in order to brush you off. You should state, using as few punctuation marks and capital letters as possible, that promotion is entirely too hard and there's too much work to do, and you would much prefer to reach the top as soon as possible so you can begin to complain that there's nothing to do and promotion shouldn't go so quickly.
But remember, don't bother me, because I only have to make a deal if your soul wouldn't end up in Hell anyway! Hassling staff is a sin, so all I have to do is insert my pitchfork into your abdomen!
-Satan
That does it for this week's edition of WWSD!
INNER WORKINGS: AN EMPTY OFFICE
by RTG1728
With many of the staff on holiday, preparing to go on holiday, or returning from holiday it has been a slow week at Fed II Star headquarters. Being a droid, this reporter has no use for such things as vacation – a lucky thing, as it isn't given any. Yet a few dedicated journalists remained hard at work in order to ensure the continued publication of this newsletter.
Perhaps most traumatic was the absence of the Inside Scoop Editor, whose job is to prevent the humble, working staff from displeasing the Persons of Quality who run this organization. Without this insulation the writers have worked under great pressure and in fear of their safety. These feelings are likely uncalled for, as rumors of tyranny and oppression at the Star offices are greatly exaggerated, no doubt as part of some insidious plot by subversives meant to weaken the reputation of most popular newsletter in the Solar System. Destruction of newsdroids increased only slightly over the past week.
At this time your friend RTG1728 must remind you that the Fed II Star will not be published next week, as Our Glorious Editor will be on holiday. This is likely for the best, as without the supervision of a demi-goddess those with plans against this organization would likely write all sorts of stories detailing alleged corruption and despotism.
But as Inner Workings is a bi-weekly column and is not scheduled to be printed next week, your humble friend and reporter will be hard at work. Rest assured that many noteworthy events are likely to happen in the coming weeks.
WWSD: WHAT WOULD SATAN DO? THE BRIBE LIST
Greetings and welcome to this week's instalment of What Would Satan Do. Checking the mailbag, I find two questions worthy of an answer this week, so let's get on with it.
Dear Satan,
Do you have an entry on the Official Fed Bribe List?
-Desperate on Doris
Dear Desperate,
No, I declined to sign the collective bribery agreement. I am the Prince of Darkness after all, the First Lawyer, I much prefer to negotiate terms of deals for myself. The terms are usually fair but keep in mind that your soul isn't always enough leverage. If your soul isn't destined for heaven it's a bad deal for me, so I may have to take money.
-Satan
Dear Satan,
Since God knew the end before the beginning, why did he create you?
-Philosophic on Phobos
Dear Philosophic,
That's a very deep philosophic question and deserving of a deep philosophic answer, and here it is. He was drunk. See, the day before I was created God created the blue agave plant, famous for its role in the production of tequila. Tequila alone is no fun so he created me to be His drinking buddy, and I eventually ascended to the position of his right hand man. Of course as you all know that didn't turn out very well. What's the moral of the story? Friends make very poor business associates, they may very well cause a rebellion of half your staff and become the embodiment of evil and a major thorn in your side.
-Satan
So there you have it, I hope this helps clarify some of the mysteries of the universe.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: CORRESPONDENCE
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Buffie's Mailbox
Helloooo Dahlings!!! It seems like weeks since I sat down at my old Underwood typing away at my column. Oh my... it has been! And I've missed you all so terribly. But, I do get correspondence. So this week I have decided to dedicate this space to answering just a small sampling of the volume of mail I receive. But, as I am want to say, you can never have enough. So I encourage all of you to write to me and ask me anything you want. I so love getting mail.
Dear Buffie,
I am 12 years old and live on Sumatra. I read your column all the time. It is so dirty and grimy here and when I read your column, it takes me to fun places. You meet so many interesting people. You are the best. When I grow up, I want to do what you do.
Signed, Cindy
Dear Cindy,
My! You are so precious! I am delighted that you enjoy my column and am flattered that you want to follow in my footsteps. This intrepid reporter cannot do this forever, you know. So, if you want to become a Society Desk newshound, here is what you have to do.
Step one is to get your journalism degree. It is hard to get a job writing for a newspaper without one. Although, I am not sure how some of these newsdroids here even got out of kindergarden. As an alternative to getting your journalism degree, you could just marry the publisher of a newspaper. This is especially effective if there is someone currently writing a society column as you can now easily replace them. Either way can work very effectively for you.
Step two, you need to get on what I affectionately call the 'A List'. This is a group of people who get invited to all the best parties and galas. There is no set method to do this usually. But, one way is to start small. Get on the board of a museum or charity, attend their parties. You need to invite all the 'A List' people and schmooze them relentlessly. If you do it well enough, soon you can be on the 'A List'. Or, as an alternative, you can marry someone on the 'A List'.
Please note that if you decide to take the alternative way for both steps, it is most advisable to perform step two first. It can be hazardous to your job at the paper to divorce the publisher.
Well Cindy, there is what you need to do to become a Society Desk reporter. Good luck to you in all your endeavors, and I hope to see you at those 'A List' parties real soon!
PS... I will leave it to the gentle reader's imagination to speculate on how I attained my job and social standing. Shhhhhhh!
So sorry, readers, but I have reached the end of my allotted space for this week. So, I must leave you for now. If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to let me know of upcoming events, please do so! Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: THE MARTIANS
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy.
Once again the new school year has come around and scores of young adults have made their way to the University of Mars lecture hall for classes such as Cultural Awareness 120, Alien Anthropology 200 and one of my own favorites, Martian History and Thought 220. Some of my returning students arrived at my first set of office hours wrapped in an ethical conflict: where are the Martians now?
As many who were in attendance on Mars for the grand parade (around Stardate 108800) will remember, one of the sights in that parade was a live Martian, safely locked in a cage. The crowd nearly rioted upon sighting this specimen of what we consider to be a bloody, clever and dangerous species. Some of the crowd described the Martian as "devious" and "malevolent". My students did not understand this outpouring of anger upon the lone, caged Martian. Instead, they were sickened by the behavior of the majority of the parade's spectators.
It was not that long ago that Earth itself was riddled with similar prejudices built on pseudo-science, tradition and misunderstanding. Ways of life which are different than our own can be frightening because we do not understand them. It can be unimaginable that any way of life but the one we practice could be pleasurable or equal to our own. But what each individual values in his, her or its life is entirely dependent on the upbringing that individual receives in its formative years.
These younger students are the first in a new wave of children who have not lived under the constant threat of attacks from abroad. With the Martians believed to be stranded on their outer rim bases, without a central supply depot to remount attacks against Earth-affiliated areas and their homeland under Galactic Administration control, it is hard to imagine that era of warfare that was experienced before the Interregnum returning. For young adults and children, tolerance of other cultures and peaceful solutions seem like the best response to conflict, in opposition to the military build-up of previous decades.
We know much about the Martian way of life from studying their ruined capital city, which lies to the southwest of Marsport. They are religious, although their religion includes behavior which most Earthlings would find distasteful. They are extremely intelligent, with powerful technology we have not yet understood. We know that in war they are a determined enemy. And it is these characteristics that require our constant vigilance to the Martian threat, these characteristics that the masses remember, leading to their behavior that night of 108800.
But perhaps the students also have a point. We can all remember the constant fear and disorientation we felt during the war. We weren't sure when the Martians would attack, or where. We were unsure of our governing leadership. Although the Martians were the aggressors, we were successful, militarily, against them, although the cost was high – the loss of interstellar travel. Eventually the Interstellar Links will be repaired, either by us or by the Martians. It is inevitable that we will deal with them again. Perhaps, if we extend the olive branch from the beginning, we can start anew. Maybe this time we can have a peaceful solution.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
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