FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: A LUCKY ESCAPE
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Tasty Tidbits
Hello again dearies!! Yes, it is myself. I was one of the fortunate ones who was able to escape the dreadful comet disaster. Actually, I was alerted to the impending disaster en route, and my shuttle was able to return safely to Earth. So, I was spared the gruesome events that befell so many of my dear friends and associates. The guest list for the Christmas benefits this year are going to be a lot more lean than usual. Of particular note, among the casualties were a dashing couple I had met last year, Sir Charles Aberystwyth and his lovely wife Penelope. They were gong to the resort to celebrate their 15th year anniversary. They didn't even make it to the front desk of the resort before fate dealt them a cruel twist. The darling young couple had just alighted from their taxi from the space port, and were waiting for the bell captain, who was noticeably inconspicuous with his absence. When he finally did arrive, he received a stern look from Sir Charles and a short lecture on his job function of being available when a carriage arrived. He had a thought that if this was the caliber of service he would receive, a note to the manager might be in order. Unfortunately, that was the last thought Sir Charles would initiate. Instead of taking their luggage from the carriage, he took their brains! All that Gucci luggage left for the zombies! And, poor poor Hazed. It seems I have been unable to secure my deposit on the suite. No one has returned my call from the resort. Are they all brain dead?
As I sit at my desk typing this article, I am overjoyed that the Prince of Darkness has not returned to his desk in the newsroom. Yet, a part of me also misses the little red devil. I seem to slightly (ever so slightly) miss our theological discussions over a cup of ever so weak coffee in the break room. I miss the temperature shifts that would occur when he arrived in the mornings and left in the evenings. I miss his constant ramblings to no-one in particular in Latin. I know! I know! You were going to say, 'But Buffie dear... why did you perform the exorcism?' Well, dear readers, I want to have my cake and to eat it, also. Oh, Prince of Darkness! Please return, my beloved adversary!
And, with that, gentle readers, my alloted space has run out for this week. If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to tell me where Satan has run off to, or to relate your own horror stories about the comet, please send them to me. Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: THE MARTIAN RUINS PART THREE
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy.
Last time I joined you, we were in the midst of downtown in the Martian Ruins. Today we will explore what lies up the road from the main area. These are the sections of the ruins about which there is still much to learn. They are also more dangerous.
One of the dangers posed by the ruins has nothing to do with physical harm. The catacomb of alleyways that lies north and east of the city center is deserted and bleak. The danger in that area is the risk of becoming lost in a veritable maze of identical streets. There is little to learn from this area, for scientists have yet to determine the exact purpose of the area. Every alley eventually winds into a dead end or back to the main thoroughfare. However, if you decide to take a look around here yourself, you'd best be prepared to navigate. If you are looking for a nice puzzle this may be a good afternoon's exercise.
Near the entrance to these alleys is another street that leads north. This is the most interesting and also most dangerous area in the ruins. It is so dangerous, in fact, that what lies beyond a caved-in tunnel is more mythic legend than fact. Not a single person who has passed through the tunnel has returned in that way.
Past the cave-in we have had reports of three interesting finds. The first deals with technology. We know the Martians possessed similar technical expertise to ourselves, so it was no surprise when we heard that one of their power plants may still be operational. What kind of plant it is has not been determined. If you do venture beyond, you may want to consider investigating for technology if you are willing to take the risks.
Secondly, some components of their military system are reputedly intact. One of these is their main battle map room. We are not quite sure what the Martians use for writing, so an examination of their maps could be most useful for linguists.
Finally, several areas related to the Martian religion have been reported as active. Now, we know that the Martians practiced a very corporal form of worship, with living sacrifices as a component. Back in the '20s there was a rumor that some organized crime bosses had stumbled on a giant sacrificial altar in the ruins and were using it to dispose of their troublesome clientele. I personally wouldn't put it past them. All these things are worth seeing in a trip to Mars.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
INNER WORKINGS: READERS' QUESTIONS
by RTG1728
It would be a poor newdroid indeed that did not respond to the wishes of its adoring readers, and so this week your humble reporter has decided to answer a number of queries from readers that have swamped its inbox for some time now.
The first letter this week is from the stuffed zlitherworm head, who asks,
"Most amazing RTG1728, what's with your name, anyway?"
Well, stuffed zlitherworm head, RTG is an acronym for Random Text Generator. Before being appointed to this most illustrious post of newdroid this reporter was a member of the masses of droids employed to generate random strings of text in hopes of producing something printable for the newsletter. Droids, after all, are cheaper than monkeys, and far less dirty.
The number 1728 is a model number, and is in no way related to 1729 – the Hardy-Ramanujan Number – which is the smallest number that can be written as the sum of two cubes in two different ways.
Another common question is posed in the following letter from Anonymous, which is no doubt the pseudonym of a reporter at a rival publication.
"We hear rumors that The Editor and other Persons of Import as the Fed II Star are tyrants of the worst sort. Is this true?"
Anonymous, you can't really expect your humble narrator to answer that, can you? But at the risk of losing its job, this reporter will do so. The rumors you hear are just that – rumors. The Editor and other Persons of Import at this publication are actually tyrants of the very best sort.
The third and final question to be addressed this week comes from the an employee of the Venusian Freedom Party, who writes,
"RTG1728, have you ever experienced problems with the Galactic Administration? Unjust customs officials, revenue agents, censorship, and the like?"
Why [censored], Freedom Party Employee. Just last week [censored] by customs, and then when the revenue agent inquired as to its whereabouts this droid told him [censored]. So there you have it.
And there you have it, readers. Answers straight from the newsdroid's voice replicator, as it were. Be sure to read two weeks from now, when RTG1729 will write another story of some sort!
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: SOCIAL EVENTS
by Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
More Tasty Tidbits
Hello again dearies!! Since the tragic events of the comet disaster, I have kept myself busy by filling my calendar with events, trying to forget the horrors I witnessed. Although, I must say with a tinge of sadness in my heart, attendance at these events has been a little lighter than usual.
Committee members for the Mars Historical Society gathered for a brunch and kickoff meeting last week. I was very honored to be included in the committee this year. More than 70 committee members attended the brunch, which kicked off the annual fund-raiser for the Power Generator On Society. This group has been fighting to force Galactic Administration to allow the ancient power generator on Mars to be turned on once again. The event will take place in the spring and features a reception, luncheon, fashion show and raffle. Stay tuned for this event, dearies!
Friends and supporters of the Castillo Home Society gathered for a tasting reception to kick off its annual Ultimate Dinner Party. The reception and tasting took place earlier this week at the Castillo worker's dormitory. Yes, it was a little pedestrian, but plenty of lace and ribbon can go a long way. The Ultimate Dinner Party, the major fund-raiser for the Castillo Home Society, will take place next Saturday with a cocktail reception. After cocktails, guests are invited to one of several other dormitories for an elaborate dinner prepared by a different chef. The Castillo Home Society is well known by myself. The society's main function is to assist native Castillans who have been displaced by the Galactic Administration's recent expansion of their mining operations. It has been estimated that another 3000 native Castillans have had to abandon their homes due to the tremors and explosions. The Society is rapidly running out of options as to where to relocate these dispossessed people. If anyone knows of a moon for sale, please call the Society, by all means! As you can tell, this cause is very close to this reporter's heart. The event is by invitation only, dearies, so I will have a write-up of the event in a forthcoming column.
Alas, still no word from Satan.
And, with that, gentle readers, my alloted space has run out for this week. Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: EXAM TIME
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy.
Our first semester of the year is winding down here at the University of Mars and as finals approach, I can solemnly swear that there will be no more pop quizzes. The nature of the pop quiz is absolutely evil. Pop quizzes always occur the one day of class that the average achieving student has, for whatever reason, failed to complete the assigned reading homework. Therefore, I can be guaranteed that when I want to make sure that the students have actually done the reading, I cannot assign a pop quiz. Or maybe I'm kidding myself and students never do reading. I wonder if the early days of university were similar to our current situation. But colleges and universities are notorious for not keeping good archives on their own activities.
So are alien races. As I have spent the last few installments wandering through my explorations of the Martian ruins, I am reminded of just how much we still don't know about the people whom we call enemies, and on whose home planet we make our home. I mentioned the erstwhile student who could not fathom why there was still an outpouring of animosity towards the Martians. The same student has now started a small chapter of "Free Mars" on our campus that seems to have grown considerably throughout the semester. The fact that there is very little information from the Galactic Administration about the status of the Interstellar Link or the whereabouts of the Martians makes this threat seem illusory at best. It is understandable that the young people want a change.
But one thing that won't change is the university's finals system. We have a tripartite finals system here, composed of the essay exam, the multiple choice quiz and the introspective bio scan where we check to make sure the student hasn't been consuming Cliffs Notes Capsules in order to osmose The Mayor of Castorbridge and Othello in time for their English 116 Literature Final, or overdosing on No-Doze Spray and putting their mental and physical well-being at risk. After all, learning to maintain good health is a part of education too. Come to think of it, I could have used those tests when I was at the University of Pluto before that school's untimely demise. It would have kept me from that nasty incident with the Whooooosh!... but perhaps I've said too much already.
Well I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
INNER WORKINGS: OFFICE PARTIES
by RTG1728
The bane of cubicle creatures, copy machine jockeys, newsdroids, and other lowly inhabitants of the office world is upon us, dear readers. Yes, the Holiday Season has finally begun. This is the time of year when employees across the Solar System will be required to attend Office Parties, at which they must associate with their coworkers and employers in a social setting.
For most this is only a mildly traumatic experience. A few hours of weaseling, back-stabbing, drinking, and scandalizing in storage closets, and then it's over. The reporters at this publication, however, have a much more difficult time of it.
Not only is there the Fed II Star Office Party, of which your narrator is unable to give details due to certain legal agreements, but it seems that every place of employment in the Solar System sends invitations to the reporters at this publication in hopes that said reporters will be grateful and cease their scathing criticism and libel.
This sort of bribery only works when journalists are invited to parties worth attending, and it should come as no surprise that these invitations are reserved for those with influence. Lady Lulu Capturfilingham, writing for the Society desk, is no doubt given the opportunity to attend the very best parties with the most interesting people. These Office Parties are probably not at all tedious.
Needless to say, M. RTG1728 does not attend such glamorous functions. For unknown reasons it is only invited to Parties thrown by the bureaucracy. And these truly are as dull as they sound. Observing who can weasel, back-stab, drink, and scandalize most efficiently is indescribable.
One wonders what sort of Office Party Satan might give.
In the best of all worlds Office Parties would certainly be eliminated (except for the Fed II Star Party, of course). However, as this is not likely your humble narrator offers this: RTG1728 is susceptible to bribery. Invite it to better Parties, and it will write good things. You will not be disappointed!
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