Web Fed Award-winning Planets

Reviewed on September 3, 2000

Disaster struck yours truly before I could even land on the water world known as Que. The Board of Planetary Affairs broke in on my comm unit, invited me to visit the planet, and told me my auto-gyro was about to engage. Thinking they meant my sandwich was ready, I ate the device. As a result my landing was not exactly graceful and I tumbled from orbit right into the mouth of the planet's largest volcano, Mt. Larimoancurli. A volcano is exactly what my stomach felt like from rolling out of orbit, processing the mechanical and electrical parts I'd consumed, and the realization that I'd actually understood that joke!

As I wobbled off my ship I expected to be incinerated on the spot, but instead found the place was actually quite nice for a volcano. A complex ventilation system seemed to be keeping the air fresh and the temperatures inside the mountain quite pleasant. The legendary Shinzou Shipbuilders were located just off the landing pad, as well as transporters waiting to whisk your scrambled molecules to the business district. Even tour cars, courtesy of the Cool Mountain Snow Corporation, stood ready to provide me with canned itineraries for viewing the best planet sites. The CMS complex is well known for its great technological innovations - including one a little disorienting; at some point I stepped into a tour car but exited from a teleporter.

Marking down the rest of the tours for later, I trotted around the business district of Que. Trading is done strictly by telepathy in this exchange. Since my enhanced cerebral cortex doesn't include this skill, I opted to take advantage of the quiet atmosphere and snooze until my tummy completely settled.

The district also hosted a hospital, shops, and a pub where I stopped off for an after-nap snack. The waitress warned me away from the house special, but someone had left a plate of it on the next table. An unattended plate. An unattended plate of hot food whose aroma tugged at my nose as though it had been pierced by a bull's ring. I am a dog - you can imagine the rest.

I tried stopping by the hospital in search of some seltzer for my abused digestive tract. The receptionist sympathized, scratched me behind the ears for a minute (which made me drool on her black patent pumps), and sent me in to consult with Joe. Thank goodness Hazed saw fit to provide me with auto-insurance; Joe's rates were the worst I'd seen in Fed. I backed out the door when he offered me a policy with half down, 5 equal payments of three-quarters each, spread out over the term of the policy with interest rates as low as 22 percent, compounded twice daily. Joe must have attended business school with Ming!

The tunnelmobiles departing from the business district led to some of the best parts of the planet. Regularly scheduled transportation leaves for the opulent Wobegone Lodge, where you can order up a room of any décor, view the portraits of well-known Fed personalities, refresh yourself with a galactic drink in the lounge, or indulge in the rousing challenge of a game of Schnaarrz. Here my every wish was met – mainly Liv'r Snaps served on silver platters by uniformed men named "Jeeves". Too soon someone spotted my muddy paws and I was, once again, evicted from the better establishments. The other tours cover the Lost City – an underwater adventure, the Que hydroponics farm, Historical Society, and the Grotto.

Carefully scripted and presenting a detailed planetary (and Fed!) history, Que is a planet you don't want to miss. It's humorous, enjoyable, and the tours especially worth checking out. It's also now occupied by a lot of my fleas and some muddy footprints, the trees well watered, and awarded a Carpenter. Well done, Quqi!