Web Fed Award-winning Planets

Reviewed on September 24, 2000

We males, especially dogs, will sometimes go to idiotic lengths just to impress a canine of the opposite sex. One glance from a pair of dark brown eyes, one enticing twitch of a furry tail, and we are struck by a terminal case of Cupid's Cramps. Being smitten leads us to turn off all higher brain functions and, in short, act like we don't have the sense Ming gave a sack of flour. That's how I happened to end up stuck in this tree.

I'd heard rumors that Serenity was inhabited by a pack of wolves. But I hadn't heard about this:

>ex wolf
This great white wolf is nearly twice the size of any that you have seen before. Her pelt is rich and thick as she sits, her tail twitching slightly. She gazes at you steadily with intelligent eyes.

This was the only dog I had ever seen. She was the only other canine in the entire universe actually, and when she twitched her tail at me, my total vision shrank to a heavenly follow-spot targeted on Her.

She sauntered casually off to another location and my heart was broken into more pieces than a newbie who just offered Diesel only one meg for her services. All the whipping cream and half the leather restraints in Fed couldn't put it back together again – but She could. The planet review was forgotten, the tranquility of Serenity's landing pad unnoticed as I took off in search of Her.

In my haste I stumbled down from the landing pad and ended up in a very strange place called Limbo. Old memories of such a spot in Sol tugged at my brain while my paws scrabbled on the odd surface of the floor. It was both yielding yet unyielding, at once rough and smooth, and would make a perfect surface for a long snooze – but only after a tryst with Her! I gamely ignored the urge to dog nap now as well as the puzzle instructions in this area, and leapt back up to the landing pad.

I checked the lounge for any sign of my destiny, but none of the reserved chairs in the main lounge had 'Wolf' stenciled on the back. The private lounge downstairs did have a picture of her, and I pawed it while glancing about to make sure no one would notice. Fortunately the only other occupant of this room was an elephant sitting on one of the barstools, and he seemed too far into his cups to notice a love struck mutt drooling over a picture.

Next I checked out the security base. Guards stopped me and inquired of my intentions. "Woof!" I answered to their inquiries about a password. That meaning, of course, the White Goddess Wolf of my Heart – Her.

"Wrong answer!" they replied as they not too kindly escorted me back out the door. No wolf here, but with security this good it's no wonder this planet is known as one of the most peaceful in the galaxy.

After no sign of Her in the market or insurance office, I began to grow frantic. None of the local buildings held Her scent. I dashed down a path that headed towards the mountains, and hopefully to Her den.

The spectacular scenery, the romping wildlife, and breathtaking vistas went unheeded as I kept my nose to the ground in hopes of catching Her scent. I thought I heard Her once, but it was only the distant sound of flute and harp playing soft Celtic tunes. I did hear snickering behind me, and stopping dead in my tracks I was almost bowled over by a pack of wolves. My Shining Quest was not among them.

One of the pack members appraised me with intelligent eyes. "Whatcha lookin' for, mate?" he quizzed.

"Woof!" I replied. That meaning, of course, the White Goddess Wolf of my Heart – Her.

The pack collectively snickered again, they understood just exactly who I was talking about. "Yer just a dog, mate! What would She want with the likes of you?" The snorting that followed sounded more like a pack of pigs than honorable canis lupus. "She don't run with just any old cur, ya gotta be special. Ya gotta be brave. Ya gotta be impressive to catch Her attention. And ya better hurry up and do it now, she'd be a-watchin'."

He pointed his muzzle at the distant hills. Following his gaze I could at first only make out a French chateau with rolling manicured grounds. I squinted and looked harder; there seemed to be wooded areas behind it, and some type of lift ride going higher into the mountains.

Then I saw what he was pointing at. Gazing down from the heights of the hilltop was the Love of my Life, the Mate of my Soul, and the Milk of my Milkbonz. Her.

The pack's sniggering drowned out my howl of thanks as I sprinted towards Blirish's home. The lawns of the chateau were larger than they looked from a distance, and I paused for a short nap under one of the statues and a drink from the fountain. After all, I knew I'd need to conserve my stamina for such time when She would be overcome by my charisma and furry chest.

I'd describe the chateau, but I wasn't there long. Someone with a broom and screaming about "More bloody muddy paws!" hastened my exit out the back door. Time was running short anyway, and I had to get to the top of that mountain.

Most dogs would cringe and balk at the thought of a gondola ride. I am not quite like most dogs, and I was feeling the effects of a nearby female in heat, so I cringed and jumped on anyway. It looked like the quickest way up the mountainside. After a bumpy little ride (I'm sure the view was spectacular, but I was busy scratching my ear) I was deposited, flea and fur intact, in front of a window-lined chalet.

Inside the building the artwork on the walls meant little to me; I could finally catch the scent of Her. I sped through dens, libraries, hallways and bedrooms and finally found Her in the arboretum, gnawing on a rabbit haunch fresh from the kitchen replicator.

My Vision from Heaven looked up from her dinner, and the speech centers in my brain suddenly developed a bad case of jangly ganglia.

She said something to me, but all I could make out around the rabbit was something that sounded like "crunch crunch crunch." I tried to wax poetic about her thick fur, beautiful eyes, and her finely turned paws. All that came out of my gurgling maw was, "Arugh erg uh."

I sighed; she looked bored. Something had to be done to salvage my fast failing future carnal happiness, and it had to be done quickly. Maybe a bit of bravery would get Her attention. Maybe I should show Her my skill with a para-foil!

I wasn't sure what that was, but on the way into the chalet I'd seen a queue of people lined up to try this sport. I could see them out the window now, and with various paw gestures, whining, and drooling I bade my Goddess to watch out the window as I braved the elements and battled the para-foil.

Loping to the jump off point I spotted one of the beasts already slain on the ground. It didn't look so wicked, only a slight thing that shouldn't be hard at all to kill. I reached down for a sniff, and then tried to pick it up with my teeth.

"Wait, doggy, NOOOOO!" someone was yelling just as a gust of wind snatched the para-foil off the edge of the cliff. I was still attached, hanging on for dear life by my canine incisors, body battling the laws of physics and suspended in the air. For a few moments I was too stunned to react. Then I realized there wasn't a whole lot I could do, short of letting go and falling to my death. I could hear people in the gondola ride shouting "Look! Flying doggie! Watch out, there goes his bladder!" Sheer terror tends to make us do embarrassing things.

A minute or two later I started to relax some, still gripping soundly with my teeth, but noticing I could direct myself somewhat by holding my tail still or wagging to the right or left. This was almost fun! I veered around the mountain, came back for another pass in front of my Lovely Goddess. Dogs really can fly, at least for a while.

Disaster struck as I was floating pass the chalet and preening for Her. I was gently wagging a bank to the left, looking not at where I was going but gazing at My Goddess of Dogdom, when I ran smack into a flying feather duster known as a hawk! We both tumbled out of control, headed for a collision with a gondola full of astonished tourists. They'd gone from getting rained on by dog pee to getting rained on by the dog itself! Only my quick instincts prevented me from becoming gondola paint – I pulled my hindquarters as far up to my head as possible, and only my tail brushed the top of the conveyance as I careened by. Even as I heaved a sigh through my clenched teeth I knew I was still pole-vaulting with a pitchfork. As my descent picked up speed I could barely hear Her lamenting howl in the air – or was that laughter?

My fall was eventually stopped not by snow bank, stream, or hard rock, but by this big hemlock tree where I now reside. Dogs can't really fly, and dogs can't climb trees – up or down!

I don't know what happened to the hawk, and I don't really care. I'm hungry and I want out of this tree. Besides, I've still got more troubles ahead when Hazed finds out that during the collision that flying feather duster ended up with all my notes about Serenity's appealing text (with every available location scripted), excellent use of events, engaging puzzle and hidden areas, multiple endings to the para-foil ride, and Blirish's Carpenter award wrapped around its neck!

Well done, Blirish! Now get me down from here!