 HOLO-STAR IN COURT FOR THEFT
Galactic drag beauty Priscilla has
finally appeared in court on Earth charged with
shop-lifting from Dr Fogg's Marital Arts Emporium. The
alleged offence took place several months ago, but
Priscilla's lawyers have been using delaying tactics to
avoid the case being heard. The judge finally ordered the
famous holo-star to appear or face charges of contempt.
In evidence, the court was shown
footage from security holos which showed Priscilla
cutting the price-tags off items on display in Dr Fogg's
shop, and stuffing them into his knickers. When
challenged by a security droid and asked to lift his
frock, Priscilla screamed, cried harassment, slapped the
droid's face and then fainted.
For his appearance in court, the
accused wore a delightful blue gown, shoulderless,
leaving nothing to the imagination, and guaranteed to
gain the sympathy of the jury. To complement the gown, he
wore a pair of stunning silver stilletoes, and to top it
off, a tiara reading "Fed Princess".
When questioned about the alleged
theft, Priscilla explained that he was appearing in an
adult movie, and the director had assumed he would
provide his own accessories. He was not stealing the
items, he was merely trying them out prior to purchase.
The trial continues.
MARTIANS LAUNCH LEGAL CHALLENGE
A group of disgruntled Martians
have said they intend to sue Fed DataSpace's Dukes and
Duchesses, because of the constant interruptions they are
suffering to their plans to take over the Galaxy.
A spokesthing for lawyers Sue,
Grabbit and Flye told a press conference:
"My clients, the ancient race
that originated on the planet Mars, has been attempting
to regain their rightful place as rulers of the Galaxy,
but has been prevented by actions of the newer race known
as humans, from the planet Earth.
"Their plans have been drawn
slowly and surely by minds immeasurably superior to
yours. But as they were poised to take over again,
interference from time-travelling Barons and Baronesses
has prevented these plans from coming to fruition. My
clients are seeking an injunction to prevent further
sabotage of their ships and equipment, and will also be
launching a class action suit to claim restitution and
punitive damages."
We asked a representative sample of
Dukes and Duchesses for their response to the Martian's
claim, but were unable to understand what they said
because they were all laughing too hard.
SPYPROOF ROOMS
The Mystery Newsdroid's articles in
the last few issues of the Chronicle have sparked a lot
of discussion about spybeams - are they a good thing or a
bad thing? That's not an argument I want to get involved
in right now, but I will just talk about one aspect of
it, and that's the concept of a spyproof room.
We don't have any spyproof rooms in
Fed, but not many people know that we used to have one.
It was in the GEnie/Aries version of Fed, many years ago.
The spyproof room started out in the bar on Castillo. (It
was then called Samanthas; it's now been replaced by
Fedruckers.) The spyproof room later moved to a player
planet, in a complicated deal designed to relieve Occy,
the richest player in the game, of a large proportion of
his fortune.
I have to tell you, it was a
disaster! The spyproof room killed socialising in Fed
cold dead.
We thought that people would only
go to the spyproof room when they had something
particularly sensitive to discuss, and otherwise would go
about their normal business - chatting on the comms,
visiting other people's bars, and so on.
But no. What happened was that
everybody spent all their time in the spyproof room, and
carried out all their conversations by tightbeam, so
nobody would be able to overhear them - no matter how
trivial the matter being talked about. The spacewaves
were silent, the other bars deserted, and having a
conversation with more than one person was impossible.
When Fed moved to AOL we were
relieved to be able to junk the idea of the spyproof room
and return conversation to the spacewaves. And I think
it's highly unlikely we would ever put a spyproof room
into Fed again!
FROM THE POSTBAG: AN AWESOME
MIXTURE
The range of questions posed by
puzzled players to the Chronicle is huge, including
questions about economics, trivial matters, historical
facts, personal problems, and so on. Sometimes we even
get scientific questions, like this one:
Dear Hazed
Why am I not killed when I drop the TDX after
drinking the WHOOSH?
- Priscilla
We turned to an expert in the
Galactic Administration's laboratories, Professor Vlarg
Hackensplatz, but he was too busy to talk to us. So we
were forced to do some experiments. When I say
"we", I mean of course a junior newsdroid who
is considered entirely expendable. I have no intention of
risking my hide in this way; I am the demi-goddess after
all!
First, an examination of the
properties of each of the substances in question. The
bottle of WHOOSH:
The label reads: WHOOSH (UK)
Ltd. (Est. 1984). Manufacturers of fine laxatives for
humanoids through the centuries. WARNING: Contains
GUTGRIPE X! Before ingestion stand with legs apart,
and hold immovable object!
As those who have availed
themselves of this powerful liquid know, it causes the
imbiber to head straight for the nearest loo at the
fastest possible speed - possibly the only time humans
have been known to travel faster than the speed of light!
Raising the bottle you take a
large swig. Nothing happens for a moment or so, then
you feel an ominous internal rumbling as the WHOOSH
starts to take its awesome toll... You drop
everything and head at full speed to the nearest
convenience!
In the process of this desperate
journey, all objects are dropped and left behind.
And the TDX:
A large label on the side of
the packet says 'DANGER - HIGH EXPLOSIVES'.
This famous explosive goes off when
subjected to a sharp shock, which means that anybody
dropping it will surely die a sudden death.
As you drop the packet, you jar
its detonator, and the whole package explodes in your
face.
Then we tried the combination
suggested by Priscilla: holding the TDX and drinking the
whoosh. Apart from the difficulty of juggling an
explosive with one hand while trying to undo the stopper
on the bottle with the other, our droid performed the
experiment efficiently, while cameras filmed the process.
When the relieved droid returned
from the lavatory to the laboratory, we played back the
footage in slow motion, to see what happened. The film
shows that as the droid drinks the WHOOSH, the medicine
triggers a reflex action. Its legs begin to pump on the
spot until it has built up enough speed to run faster
than a speeding bullet to the necessary facilities. When
it switches from running on the spot to moving, with the
first step all objects are dropped, scattered to the
winds - but the droid is moving so fast that before the
items hit the ground, it has left the building and is
halfway down the road, well away from the effects of any
explosion.
So there you have it. Scientific
experimentation answers your questions. Another satisfied
correspondent. Everyone is happy. Well, except perhaps
for the droid who carried out the experiment, who after
multiple swigs of WHOOSH is looking very green about the
air-intakes.
ALIENS IN NEED
A host of glittering celebrities
from the worlds of music, stage and holo gathered last
week for the fund-raising event Aliens in Need. Helping
to raise money for disadvantaged aliens all over the
Galaxy, they joined thousands of ordinary members of the
public to stage ridiculous stunts in the name of charity.
Here's a round-up of just some of
the wacky activities that took place.
Staff from Woodspring Ship Auctions
were sponsored to sit in a large vat of baked beans all
night. Sadly, one of the junior clerks slipped and
drowned in the tomato sauce, but it was all for charity
so that's alright.
Customers from Chez Diesel held a
marathon pizza-eating contest, raising a lot of money.
Sadly, one of the participants ate so much he suffered a
ruptured stomach and was rushed to hospital where he is
now in intensive care. Speaking from his hospital bed, he
said he wasn't upset, because it was all for charity.
The employees of Jarrow Shipyard
dressed up as aliens and collected money on the streets
of Earth's financial district. Unfortunately, they
sparked a panic when passers-by thought the Earth was
being invaded, and called out the Imperial Navy to repel
the alien attackers. Three of the Jarrow clerks were
killed in the resulting fight, but a huge amount of money
was raised for charity.
Clerks and bursars in the Galactic
Administration Accountancy Department dressed in drag and
performed numbers from popular musicals. One alien
quartet from Sigma Prime brought the house down with
their outfits: the male dressed as a neuter, the neuter
as a female, the female as a nurturer and the nurturer as
a male. They raised a lot of money, and expanded the
horizons of their sexuality.
Staff and customers from Fedruckers
were sponsored to wax their legs, chests, and other more
intimate body parts. Screams of pain from wimpish men
unused to having the hairs yanked out of their skin
filled the air. One unfortunate alien who thoughtlessly
volunteered to be depilated is now blind and deaf, since
the waxing ripped out all of the cilia that act as its
senses. We are told they will grow back within a year -
just in time to do it all over again for next year's
Aliens in Need!
REAL LIFE NEWS: SHAKING HANDS
ACROSS THE OCEAN
Scientists on the opposite sides of
the Atlantic have shaken hands with each other.
In the first public demonstration
of the latest in touch technology, scientists in London
and Boston showed how they can hold hands and co-operate
on simple physical tasks over the Internet. Using force
feedback devices, the participants could directly feel
whether others are pulling, pushing or manipulating
computer generated objects in a shared virtual world.
They used a computer and a small
robotic arm instead of a more traditional mouse. The arm,
known as Phantom, has on its end a device like a thick
pen which is grasped by the experimenter. This gives
users the sensation of touch by exerting precisely
controlled forces on the fingers. "You can not only
feel the resulting force, but you can also get a sense of
the quality of the object you're feeling, whether it's
soft or hard, wood-like or fleshy,"* said the head
of one of the research teams taking part, from the
computer science lab at University College London.
This amazing technology has all
kinds of applications - not least in personal
communications! But it's going to be a while before it
can be used on home computers because it needs very
high-speed networks to minimise delay.
* You can invent your own dirty
joke about this!
REAL LIFE NEWS: HOW MUCH ARE
YOUR FINGERS WORTH?
A 17-year old thinks his fingers
are worth £375,000 (about half a million bucks). He's a
computer gamer who is due to take part in the World Cyber
Games in Korea, after coming second in the UK heats.
With the world's top gamers
allegedly earning as much as £200,000 pounds a year
($300,000 or thereabouts), Aex Nikitin from London thinks
he needs to insure his digits. He said:
"Qualifying for the World
Cyber Games has led me to investigate ways to protect
my key assets - my fingers. Online games like Quake
and Starcraft are being played faster than ever
before, thanks to broadband internet access, powerful
PCs and hours of dedicated practice.
"That's great news for
completitive gamers like myself, but also increases
the chances of stress and injury to my fingers and
they are the most essential tools of the trade."
I have no idea if he found an
insurance company to provide coverage.
REAL LIFE NEWS: KNITTING ONLINE
The Internet gets used for all
kinds of odd pastimes. Now knitting is all set to benefit
from the power of the net, with the latest knitting
machines controlled via the Internet. A patent for a
knitting machine produced by a Taiwan company gives
knitting machines unique electronic ID codes. When the
machine is connected to the Internet via a home PC, its
ID can be verified, allowing it to be controlled from a
central site anywhere in the world.
Therefore, all machines logged on
can be programmed to knit whatever pattern you like, and
networks of knitters can knit away in harmony, knowing
their machines will be churning out identical patterns.
It's fitting that knitting should
benefit from technology in this way, since the Jacquard
loom in 19th Century France was arguable the world's
first computer with stored programs. It stored weaving
patterns on punched cards.
This isn't the first time knitting
and technology have been in the news. Earlier this year,
it was reported that fans of the heavy metal band
Slipknot were bombarding old ladies with obscene email.
The reason is thatthe Knitting and Crochet Guild have a
magazine called Slipknot, and the metal fans were furious
that the knitters were using the name on the net.
Apparently, a slipknot is the name
of the first loop used to start a new pattern! And
nothing at all to do with scary masked heavy metal
people.
REAL LIFE NEWS: PATENT FOR
BRUMMY BROLLY*
An umbrella designed by a chap from
Birmingham, England, tackles the annoying problem of
brollies turning inside out when it gets windy. The
clever design has two tricks that keep it right side out.
The first is an air valve near the centre, that lets wind
escape, thus reducing the pressure that would normally
turn it inside out. Also, the brolly's arms that form the
mushroom-shaped curve are anchored by guy ropes, stopping
them from bending the wrong way. Very ingenious!
* Note for those not familiar with
British English: a brolly is a slang word for an
umbrella, and a brummy is a person or thing that comes
from Birmingham.
REAL LIFE NEWS: INTERNET BLAMED
FOR BREAK-UPS
Those of us who have been using
computers since waaaaay before the Internet got popular
will have long been aware of the phenomenon of computer
widows (or, occasionally, widowers) - those spouses who
are completely ignored and neglected because their
husbands (or, perhaps, wives) spend all their time with
the computer.
Now lawyers have caught up.
Two-thirds of the attendees at an annual lawyers
conference in Chicago said that the Internet has played a
significant role in divorces they had handled during the
past year.
The top two problems cited in many
Internet-related divorce cases were:
- Meeting a new lover online
- An "obsessive"
interest in pornography
To that you could probably add the
recent popularity of sites like Britain's Friends
Reunited, where people can get in touch with their old
school chums. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence that
meeting up again with old flames has wrecked current
relationships.
As well as being the cause of the
breakup, the net is also being used to support a divorce
case. For instance, almost 80 percent of those attorneys
questioned said that incriminating emails had been part
of divorce proceedings.
I guess people haven't got used to
the idea that an email can be evidence just as much as a
physical letter. They forget that many mail programs
automatically dump a copy of any mail sent into a special
folder, so the steamy love-email they send to their
illicit online paramour can be found by the spouse.
Careless!
REAL LIFE NEWS: BUZZ LIGHTYEAR
RESCUES HIMSELF
A shoplifter who stole a Buzz
Lightyear doll was caught by police after Buzz himself
alerted the forces of the law to his whereabouts.
The thief, Shaun Markey, stole the
doll from a store in Hereford, and ran off. Staff from
the store gave chase, and alerted a nearby police
dog-handling team who joined the pursuit. Markey took
refuge in a nearby rugby club, and thought he'd got away
with his dastardly crime: but the doll suddenly spoke,
saying "Buzz Lightyear, permission to engage" -
one of the six or seven phrases programmed into it.
The police heard the doll and the
sound led them to the thief's hiding place. He was hauled
off to court, where he pleaded guilty to theft.
REAL LIFE NEWS: THE
TECHNOLOGICAL REVENGE
Here's a a court case that has all
the elements of a thrilling story: love, sex, betrayal,
revenge, intercepted text messages, hacking, sexy
pictures and a reunion web site.
A 21-year old student, Philip
Nourse, found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. How
did he find this out? He persuaded two of his friends,
who worked for mobile phone company O2, to intercept her
text messages and pass them onto him. The messages proved
she had been two-timing him with a previous boyfriend. At
which point, he decided to get revenge.
So he:
1) Hacked her account with the
reunion site Friends Reunited, altered her details,
and posted photos of the two of them having sex.
2) Set up a web site showing
video footage of the two of them having sex.
3) Printed up 50
"explicit" posters of his girlfriend which
he planned to post around her home town.
4) Hacked her email account and
directed a friend of hers to the online sex images.
Mr Nourse's barrister told the
court that he "accepts that what he did was utterly
wrong. He was so upset and angry that he didn't think
through what he was doing." Well, he will have
plenty of time to think it through now, because he's been
jailed for five months.
What I want to know is what
happened to Mr Nourse's two friends at the mobile phone
company who gave him the text messages. I sincerely hope
they have been fired!
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