 THE BUZZ I
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
Another wedding takes the
Multiverse by surprise. A union of two Dukes has left
most of the fedizens in awe wondering about the fate of a
certain Baron. When asked about the nuptials, the Baron
replied quite emphatically, "The wedding will not
last! For one will NOT survive the emergency reduction
surgery!" This newsdroid sees trouble ahead for the
happy couple, but wishes them all the best and this
advice; do not go under the knife!
212609:801 - Embrionic:
The Embrionic School of Duke Puzzling would like to
congratulate its newest graduate: DARKENSI!
Congratulations, and we welcome the Shakuras Duchy to
Dataspace.
Shamefully a school has opened up
to do the duke puzzle. However, its latest graduate had
to take 5 trips to Horsell to complete his finals causing
the multiverse to wonder at the effectiveness of his
professors!
Frenchie is failing in her attempt
to organize Alts. The mandatory alt playing meetings
aren't making headway as nicely as she would have us
believe. Only she is to blame for the lack of progress
however, as she keeps distracting those assembled when
she bends over to pick up her dropped pencil.
Was there any truth to the
allegations that Uniquette leveled on XTs the other
night? She accused a Duchess of locking men up in her
dungeons in order to fill her duchy. Several new Squires
and Thanes have been missing causing frantic Dukes,
Duchesses and family members to search for them. Visits
to the Capitol Planet shows there is no cause for alarm
as everyone seems content to be in attendance.
Available Bachelors be on the
alert!! Squire Jordy is looking to unseat the
longstanding Bachelorette Blirish by holding auditions
for her husband. She has garnered the support of
Duchesses Esperanza and Zyphr to select the perfect man
for the lovely Baroness. For those of you interested in
vying for Blirish's hand, send a tell to Jordy, Esperanza
or Zyphr to get more information. Be prepared to go
against some stiff competition though, for Raphael is
demanding special consideration.
What's in Rick's Red Wagon? It was
discovered to contain a mass of pictures of the women of
the multiverse. Narrowly escaping the wrath of some
Duchesses, Rick has promised the collection will remain
private and he will not be publishing the pictures
anytime soon.
Lost and Found! Apparently RedSpice
of NorthStar has been steal… er borrowing items
other than boxer's! Missing items have been found in the
depths of her hot tub. If you notice that something has
been nicked, chances are, you'll find it under the
bubbles!
Your comm unit relays a message
from Krimhurg, "::runs flailing, screaming and naked
across 9, pausing to pose for a few shots in his
travels::" Enough said…
Until next week, make DataSpace
your playground. I'm always watching!
HOW
ALSATIAN REVIEWS PLANETS
Several long weeks ago I retired to
the doghouse and refused to socialize with anyone but the
local Fed Vet. This used to be a player known as
PetVetKen; now the doctor looks a little too much like
Dr. Fogg and I swear that thermometer he was using wasn't
the usual stock. Anyway, I'd chewed a bit too much on the
soap and for a couple weeks my stomach felt like it was
full of earthworms making earthworm-love. Dr. FoggVet was
paid handsomely for his services, and I've gone back to
chewing up planets instead of Sol objects.
Things had changed a bit in Fed
while I was absent. As soon as I stepped out of the
doghouse the German Shepherd started telling me about all
the psychics that had popped up in DataSpace! Fedizens
were talking about how planets were reviewed, why they
did or didn't get awards, and in general had crawled
inside my skull, torn out the very thoughts, and put them
on display for any handy crowd.
Problem is, hound brains are a
little scrambled and the psychics read most of mine
wrong. Maybe it's time to set a few things back in order
and cram whatever brain cells and electrical impulses are
still floating free back in my skull.
The first psychic misread I
stumbled on was that planet So-And-So didn't get a Walrus
because of six spelling errors. I don't recall ever
saying or even thinking that thought (certainly not to
anyone but the planet owner him/herself!) and the reasons
I do or don't get planet awards I've laid out in several
previous articles. Spelling and grammar are important
components of a planet that is deemed the
best-of-the-best, though. In Fed we live, die, and
reinsure by the written word. All our pretty pictures and
visualizations are formed from what we read, and it can
be quite disturbing to be immersed in a planet, thrashing
through jungle/alley/war-torn world, wondering every
second if the next move is going to rip off your clothes
and incinerate your persona, and then…. you find
you've fallen off some cliff/attacked-by-aliens/blown-up
and sent to your… doon? Errors like this
happen to the best of writers, and the horrible
meticulous job of correcting those errors is just part of
creating an award-winning planet.
Another psychic was lamenting that
I only gave awards to planets affiliated with one of the
Fed duchy-guild groups. What's worse was that the group
in question wasn't even a member of the SPCA or anything,
just a group that psychic didn't particularly like. I've
been very careful as a planet-reviewing ex-mobile to
avoid looking at any planet with regard to duchy or
personality of the player. There have been some very nice
people who's script I've had to pronounce not worthy to
line the bottom of a bird-cage, and some citizens who I
suspect run scummy illegal dog-fighting operations that
I've bestowed Carpenters and Walruses on. I don't give
advice to people designing planets just so I don't become
biased in case they submit it for review. I don't go
snooping around planets uninvited to see if I'm going to
like or dislike it. That's Ashkellion's job. There is one
thing I might point out though – I don't give awards
to players that don't request a planet review.
There's also been psychic
speculation about puzzles. Puzzles are a nice touch, but
I primarily review planets. Fed used to have a puzzle
reviewer. If you want to be one, write Hazed.
There's one mind-reading that has a
hint of truth about it. I have refused to review some
planets. One in particular was a request from a player
that had already left Fed, telling me to review an
attached .GEN file, write a post-mortem review and make
sure to leave an award. I've declined to review a few
others when the planet owner has let me know the planet
isn't long for DataSpace. I don't see much merit in
telling everyone what a wonderful place a planet is when
it's no longer even open for you to see for yourself.
Another misrepresentation I've
heard about is that Icedrake only gave out three awards
in the four years he did planet reviews during post-AOL
Fed. I'm plodding along through my third year as planet
reviewer, and the math on that just doesn't quite add up.
But then, maybe we're talking dog years!
[Editor's note: a quick glance at
the Fed Archives shows Icedrake awarded 1 Walrus and 10
Carpenters on Web Fed - and that's not including planets
which have subsequently closed!]
And speaking of dogs – Hazed
and Icedrake saw fit to yank me out of my nice cozy home
as a Sol mobile, enhance my meager brain, and set me out
to review planets as a canine. I've tried to spread my
claws and leave the hideous marks on DataSpace like my
leather-winged friend, but it just ended up looking like
Sol had been the victim of an episode of Blue's Clues. I
am a dog. I have fleas. I dig holes and pee on your
planet. Live with it.
I realize my articles and reviews
aren't always inspired or witty enough - I often fall
asleep proof-reading them myself - but it's a job I've
always approached quite seriously and with an extra
measure of concern. I don't do it for the twenty-five
cents an hour and occasional Liv'r-snacks; I do it
because I love to see the creativity and uniqueness each
player brings to Fed through their planet designs.
Sometimes people ask for reviews just to advertise their
planet, sometimes in hopes of an award. Once again, you
don't get awards or publicity unless you request it!
THE
BUZZ II
by
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
Insomnius has been disrupting Fed
DataSpace again. How? This came across my recorder
earlier this week:
Your comm unit relays a message
from Chelsia, "ok.. have fallen off the sanity
wagon.. after all these years in Fed.... I was
actually so bored.. I am building energy..."
Your comm unit relays a message from Mastermage,
"no way!!!!!!!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Insomnius,
"oh my god. I'm taking a nap!!!"
If Insomnious has resorted to nap
taking and Chelsia is actually improving her planet,
Earth must certainly have come off its axis. Take care,
groundhogs, chances are that earthquakes will follow.
Krimhurg is still waiting for the
Martian invasion. He's been seen gathering troops to
protect the planets of 14D+. He can usually be found in
the observatory watching the skies for green vapor
alerting Fedizens of the imminent attack.
A new religious order has cropped
up in the multiverse. The Monk Darkensi is holding
services for the Order of Shakuras. Those interested in
finding a new religion should attend the initiation
services on the second full moon of the fifth month.
Temple girls are sure to be in existence!
A lawsuit has been filed against
Galinfenner the Gecko and Party Girl Uniquette.
Apparently, at the last bar crawl, a deal was made that
if the Barcrawl was allowed to be held at Cobalt in
DarkStar, that GalinFenner and Uniquette would be
responsible for all clean up and repair. However, crews
have not been paid after spending the week trying to
bring Cobalt back to some semblance of order. "We
have over 350,000,000 groats in outstanding accounts
payable," one workthingy complained, "and I
can't pay my crews and they're threatening a
revolt!" Laynia, Squire of DarkStar, was unavailable
for comment.
We've all been awaiting the birth
of Damien, the spawn of Baroness Xyli and Ming. No birth
announcements have been made, but Xyli has been seen
wearing the svelte fashions of Priscilla. Obviously, the
birth has taken place, but the whereabouts of Damien is
unknown. Interestingly enough, Flair has also been
missing.
Until next week, make DataSpace
your playground. I'm always watching!
THE
BUZZ III
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
The Duke of Poem has been known to
be very good to his Planet Owners. Rumor has it that he
went above and beyond the call of duty when Dragonheart,
PO of Shadowdale promoted from Mining to Industrialist.
At Galactic Midnight on the day of promotion, the Golden
Dragon was given a special present. Duke Insomnius
gathered friends of Poem together to the Cantina in Sol.
As the evening progressed, Dragonheart was given his
special present, Sapphire Dragon Taliea. Taliea danced
and entertained all present but seem to have eyes only
for Dragonheart. The question on this reporter's mind:
how will Duke Insomnius celebrate the next promotion? And
will Dragonheart ever forget the Sapphire Dragon??
There was much discussion regarding
whether gentlemen preferred blondes or blondes preferred
gentlemen. Armani forcefully broke up the argument
declaring it really didn't matter as blondes preferred
him. Disgustedly the crowds came to a very real
conclusion; if, indeed, blondes preferred Armani, they
couldn't like gentlemen and the gentlemen of DataSpace
are now on the lookout for brunettes, redheads, and any
hair the color of anything other than blonde!
Industrialist Embrionic was shocked
and outraged after a recent auction. He begged a
notorious Duchess to buy him off the block, which she did
for a meager 350 meg. When he showed up on the capital
planet prepared to bend to the whim of the Duchess, he
was much surprised when all she wanted from him was the
link to his planet. The Duchess was contacted by his
former Duke, TwoKool of Nude, who challenged the Duchess
to war without realizing why, in fact, the link to
Neurotic was in Svaboda. After the Duchess explained the
situation to Duke TwoKool, he promptly offered to buy
back his former PO. The Duchess agreed to the buyback at
the cost of 1 GIG and after the funds were transferred,
released the link of Neurotic back to Duke TwoKool who
promptly forbade Embrionic of participating in other
auctions! Seems Indy Embri is a slave no matter where he
goes!!
Shocking news hit DataSpace today.
If you will recall, there was speculation over the
whereabouts of Damien, Xyli and Ming's child. When asked
about Damien, Xyli informed all that he was in fact
sleeping in his crib. To that, Flair admitted quite
publicly, "I haven't asked about him because I
locked him in the closet last week, and was hoping he was
rotting by now. Unfortunately, what you say makes me
think the little bastard got out somehow."
Felina was seen brandishing a whip
and 5 inch stilettos recently looking for fodder for her
articles and bar crawls. However, she did not get the
response she wanted. Instead of the Multiverse cowering
in fear and meeting her every demand, a line formed out
side of CD's to make use of her, erm… services.
Darkensi apparently loved the attentions so much, he DDed
and went to heaven… or hell… You decide.
~*~Advertisement~*~
Dr. Jennifer, Space Proctologist has opened her offices
in the lesser used rooms above Chez Diesels. If you need
to make an appointment, please post on a bar board and
she will contact you with available times.
~*~
An age old argument has been
started again. Which are the real rulers of the world?
The slick felines, always independent and knowing how to
rule with distain or is it the dogs of the world with
their tail wagging trying to please everyone attitude? If
you'd like to weigh in on the dispute, email me at
Mysterynewsdroid@hotmail.com and I'll publish the
results.
Other news regarding Fed's
dysfunctional family, Xyli -finally- found a
husband and father for Flair. On Tuesday night Xyli was
married to St. Geiiga by the Duchess of Svaboda. This
reporter got a tape of the wedding:
Zyphr asks, "Geiiga, Yes
or no?"
"Yes.", says Geiiga.
"Xyli, Yes or no?", asks Zyphr
"What are we doing?", asks Xyli.
Zyphr asks, "Xyli, Yes or no?"
Xyli says, "Um maybe"
Geiiga says, "Don't dodge the issue."
"Xyli, Yes or no?", Zyphr asks.
Czarina Zyphr taps her foot...
"Yes", says Xyli.
Zyphr says, "Kiss the bride"
Geiiga has given Xyli a friendly kiss!
Flair laughs!
Your comm unit relays a message from Zyphr,
"Xyli and Geiiga are married!!
Flair says, "Wow that was cute"
Your comm unit relays a message from Xyli, "I
completely missed it."
Let's hope she didn't miss the
honeymoon!
Until next week, make DataSpace
your playground. I'm always watching!
THE
BUZZ IV
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
There was outrage in DataSpace this
week! Apparently Gypsy headed up a TTTT party on
Archology taking on the Serenity bunch for their long
standing TTTT holding. However, when the final tallies
were made, Serenity had the winning votes and retained
the trophy. Gypsy has made such a stir, the independent
accounting firm of Ming, Bella and Hazed had to recount
the votes. Stay tuned for results of the recount.
An especially enchanting Duchess
has filled her duchy with enamored Planet Owners. Duchy
Comms are constantly flashing, each Planet Owner trying
to prove how much more their love is true in an intense
effort to win the Duchess's hand. Experience tells me she
is using her feminine wiles wisely and will keep all the
Gentlemen enticed and wanting while quelling any
rebellion.
Seems something was stolen from the
Multiverse’s most infamous thief. Apparently
Redspice got more than she bargained for when she
volunteered to be the kissee in a kissing contest. After
running through the men assembled, Mashimaro’s
kisses not only took her breath away, but also melted all
of the ice in the bar. Rumor has it that Red is
sponsoring kissing contests daily on NorthStar and
requiring the Samurai Rabbit’s presence.
A tear in the Multiverse occurred
this week causing a blackout for a few hours. Apparently
the expansion of stars was unable to contain all of the
new Duchies coming into existence. Hopefully things were
restored rightfully and the experience will not be
relived anytime soon.
Beware of the Martian Virus that
has been spread throughout Sol and hitting other duchies
due to travel and hauling. This virus is so strong it
knocked the demi-goddess flat on her back for a few days
this week. No report on the effects on mere mortals.
Travel advisories are being sent out to capital planets
in order to forewarn and immunize inhabitants. If you
fell you’ve been infected, please see your Duke or
Duchess immediately as quarantines will be enforced by
Galactic Health Teams.
Until next week, make DataSpace
your playground. I’m always watching!
PRISCILLA'S
WIG STOLEN
A shocked Ms Priscilla has reported
that his prized wig has been stolen from Chez Diesel's
back room.
The wig was a towering creation
made from marsrat hair, dyed lime green, teased into the
shape of a piano and decorated with gaudy trinkets and
tawdry baubles. Priscilla reported that the wig was
priceless, but when pressed to give an exact value,
admitted that it was only a cheap hairpiece and could be
valued at approximated 3 groats.
When asked to describe the
circumstances of the theft, Ms P said that he had been
working in Diesel's Boudoir, filling holes in Diesel's
fledgling enterprise - supplementing his income as a
planet owner. On completion of his duty he removed his
outfit, including the wig, and stored it safely in the
wardrobe, then descended to the bar for an evening of
relaxation. When he returned to the boudoir later, the
wig was gone.
When asked how he felt about this
loss, Priscilla said, "Well, it's my best piece of
weave and while the shock of it hasn't settled in all the
way, I'm sure I'll be devastated."
He finished by announcing he would
comb Sol looking for the missing wig.
THE
BUZZ V
MysteryNewsDroid@hotmail.com
Thane Fishsticks raised the ire of
the normally docile Duchess Esperanza this week.
Apparently the Duchess was spending some make up time
with her Duke who had just returned from a week away
exploring other worlds, when Fishsticks startled channel
9 with his mantra of "Oom". As soon as the
mantra passed his lips, Duke Insomnious disappeared.
Fishsticks denied any acts of wrongdoing prompting
Esperanza to lament:
Your comm unit relays a message
from Esperanza, "Well I don't know Fishsticks,
but when you chant a mantra and people disappear,
that's scary :)"
Thane Fishsticks has been safely
secured in the Ming Metaphysical Studies Wing of the
University and will be undergoing extensive testing.
Those who know Duke Ops will recall
that he's been called many things in his Fedlife. He
cleared it all up this week with his self declaration:
Your comm unit relays a message
from Ops, "*I* am strictly a *froper* *snoper*
and dastardly *eloper*!"
He followed up with a bar post:
212639:637 - Ops: So you want
to be a Master of Mischief? Tarry no longer, your
search has ended! Certifications now available in
misbehavin', naughtiness, trouble, monkey business,
tomfoolery, disobedience and waywardness! Contact
Connor or Northstar representatives.
Those of you interested know what
to do! Why do I feel those classes will be filled to
capacity?
The Planet Vermin has been invaded
by health inspectors. Earlier in the week Mekstruct was
buying meat from Vermin to take to Fizzle when prompted
by others to check for maggots. Indeed, the meat was
crawling with the icky little bugs and Mekstruct promptly
returned the cargo for a full refund. Traders should
beware buying meat products until health officials give
the meat a clean bill of health.
Mashimaro, new Navigator in
training, has so enamored Mistress Felina she keeps
arranging for "Just one more practice session".
Mashi now has resorted to faking 3 Million IM's to cut
his "flirting" obligation to Felina.
Apparently, he's tired of practicing and ready to get to
the real thing. I think the real truth of the matter is
that Mashi is tired of the sting of her whip!
Helpful personas suggested
locations for the newly shimmering RacingNut to visit
after working hard for his teleporter. Even though he was
probably burned by the glare of the beams to see if he
followed the advice, the good news is that he was not
burned by the surface of the sun.
Until next week, make DataSpace
your playground. I'm always watching!
STAFF
WANTED AT SOCIAL CENTRE OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Diesel's Executive Services is
pleased to announce several immediate openings that need
filling. Interested parties should see Priscilla or a
member of his staff in Chez Diesel. We are looking for
people with talents of a tremendous size that can work
long, hard hours in cramped, smelly places. As a
long-standing Sol institution, we operate like a
well-lubed machine and expect that successful applicants
will continue to uphold our traditions and high standards
of service. Applicants are warned that they will be
subject to a thorough examination by Priscilla and his
staff as required.
ALSATIAN'S
NEMESIS
Last week I settled my flying
doghouse down to the landing pad on Mars and glided
toward the last parking place not surrounded by a moat of
muddy water. Hazed had whapped my nose again about
tracking mud into CDs, and I was trying my best to be a
Good Dog. Just as I fired the last thruster, a
nondescript looking ship painted a manky shade of gray
whizzed in front of me and pulled sharply into my
intended berth.
This wasn't just a random
occurrence of bad luck; I'd seen this ship before. It had
pulled this same maneuver many times, mostly when I was
in a hurry to park and make an appointment or water a
fire hydrant. I knew who was piloting that ship too. It's
the same person that used to grab the fat Sol jobs just
before I did, the one standing in front of me at the
Cantina bar slowly counting out single groats while I
impatiently waited to place a pizza order, the person who
shoves his full grocery cart into the express lane at the
market.
Yes, I knew him well. It was my
nemesis, a spiritual entity created at the moment of my
conception, whose only job is to prove to me that Life is
Suffering. This person dogs my every step and rains on my
every parade. His dirty fingerprints end up on every
article I send and changes every "you're" to
"your" and "Wait a sec" to "Wait
a sex" on the comms.
As the years go by he has become as
familiar to me as my own shadow, and I've grown
comfortable with his presence and his pranks. If one day
I were to find puzzle pieces where I expected them or the
GM waiting to greet me in the very location I logged into
first, I'd have to mourn the absence of my nemesis and
perhaps start believing that Life is Good.
We all have such a character in our
lives. And for planet writers, I am that character.
ARE
SLARTI'S PLANET DROIDS ON STRIKE?
by Hazed
A shocked Ashkellion came bursting
into my office yesterday, brandishing a blank piece of
paper. "I can't write an article this week," he
cried. I expected to hear a feeble excuse about writer's
block, or some tale about his ship having broken down so
he couldn't go exploring... but it was stranger than
that. "Slarti's," he said, "haven't built
any new planets this week."
"Nonsense," I said,
"You have just mislaid their notifications."
And I dug out the list of new planets to show him that it
was all his fault. But... he was right. The last planet
linked into the game was nine days ago - Boekerij, owned
by Squire Halia.
Then I thought that maybe the
notifications of new planets had been going astray. The
Internet dog had maybe eaten the emails. Sun spots had
burnt them up. Something like that. So I dug deep into
the depth of Slarti's logs and discovered that the reason
no notifications had been sent out about new planets was
because there really had been no new planets. None. Not a
sausage. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.
Well, now I was getting cross. What
were those planet droids doing? I went to visit Slarti to
find out why they were slacking on the job. Porting over
to Mercury, I stomped up the corridor to Slarti's place.
My first hint that something was really wrong came when I
saw that the holographic sign that hangs outside, and
which normally shows a slowly rotating planet, now showed
a stationary planet. Curiouser and curiouser!
Venturing into the workshop, which
is usually a hive of industry, with droids buzzing around
making mountains and seas, and all that stuff, I was
quite unnerved by the silence. No sound at all. And no
movement. Slarti's was completely empty. No Slarti, no
droids, even that obsessive one who spends all his time
fiddling with fjords was gone.
The place was deserted.
And that's all I know. I can only
assume that those damn lazy droids have all gone on
strike, and rather than tell me about the problems,
Slarti has run away and hidden somewhere. I'll get to the
bottom of this, though, you wait...
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