Fed II Star - January 8, 2006

DIESEL IN TROUBLE WITH AUTHORITIES

Diesel, the proprieteuse of the popular bar on Mars known as the Social Center of the Solar System (if not the Galaxy!) has got herself into trouble with the ruling council on Mars, and could face a very heavy fine if she is found guilty. But her friend the craftsman faces far worse - he could be sent to jail!

The problem stems from the New Year's Eve party, where the craftsman set up shop on a table in a corner of Chez Diesel where he made and sold miniature musical boxes to celebrate the new year, which could be attached to keyrings. As always, his work proved very popular (although not as big a seller as the farting turkey he offered for Thanksgiving, which gives you some idea of the level that Diesel's clientele operates on).

If you have bought one of these tiny musical charms, or if you've seen anyone else wearing one, you will know that they play Auld Lang Syne, a song associated with new year celebrations. However, as the song plays, a hologram figure of the ex-Emperor Ming appears and shouts "I'll be back" - an auld acquaintance we would all far rather be forgot, I am sure!

The craftsman thought this was very funny. Diesel thought it was funny too. So did everyone who bought one of the charms. Unfortunately, not everyone was so amused. What Diesel and the craftsman had both overlooked was a little-known statute passed by the Martian ruling council some years ago, which states it is an offence to glorify Ming and his reign of terror. Under this statute, the selling of Ming memorabilia on Martian soil is strictly against the law, and anyone found doing so can be fined and/or sent to jail.

This law is very little-used - in fact the only time somebody has been prosecuted under it was not long after Ming's overthrow, when a publishing company brought out "Ming Kampf", the despot's authorized autobiography. The company was fined and all copies of the book were supposed to be destroyed, but of course it continues to be available clandestinely to those who want to read the deranged ramblings of the mad ex-Emperor.

Diesel is spitting mad that this out-dated statute is being used against her and the craftsman. "Why," she asks, "have companies been selling coffee cups with Ming's face on it, Ming dolls with a set of pins to stick in them, punchbags with Ming's face on them, cartoons of the man, all kinds of Ming memorabilia - and it's been sold right here on Mars too for years and years - and been left alone to get on with making a profit, but suddenly the zealots in the Martian bureaucracy decide to come after me?"

She has an answer, too: she thinks that someone, somewhere has been stirring up trouble and has persuaded the bureacrats to launch a crusade against her. She points the finger of blame firmly in the direction of Anton Gallagher, owner of the expensive gadget shop on Earth, who is dead set against the craftsman selling unauthorized accessories to be attached to the TenBrane keyring. Diesel reminds us that after the St Patrick's Day party last year someone tipped off the Galactic Administration's Environmental Health Department that she had put appetite accelerants in the free beer, in order to make people feel more hungry than usual, and buy huge quantities of her pizza, the profits from which would offset the cost of the free beer. She's sure Gallagher was behind that attempt to get her in trouble, and she's sure it's him this time, too.

"I don't so much care about him setting the authorities on me - I'm old enough and nasty enough to be able to take care of myself, and I can afford to hire lawyers to see off these spurious claims," Diesel told one of our newsdroids. "But I am worried about the craftsman. They are threatening to send him to jail. Isn't that over the top? All for making a joke? It's madness!"

Diesel is confident that these ludicrous charges will not be taken any further, and that the publicity surrounding the case will highlight the fact that this draconian law needs to be repealed. But meanwhile, Anton Gallagher is not her favorite person at all!