Fed II Star - April 9, 2006

APRIL FOOL'S MADE EASY - THE LYNNEA AND ASTERIX WAY!

Before we get into this one, Lynnea and I have a few things we'd like to say. First, our deepest condolences go out to Zee, the droid who would have been writing a complementary piece to this one. We really are pulling for you, Zee, but last I heard the scrap-heap may be in Zee's impending future.

LYNNEA: Absolutely Asterix, a moment of silence for poor Zee. You know, as the serious reporters we are, we really need to be careful what we report about. It would be really easy for us to end up just like Zee if we tried to report something that the "Powers-that-be" didn't want to be made public.

That brings me to the second of the "few" things we would like to say. As the faithful readers of the Star are aware, there have been accusations made against Asterix and me concerning our integrity as reporters. We faithfully report the facts and nothing but the facts so help us Bella. I won't stoop so low as to mention names, but someone whose name starts with "Rob" and ends with "ius" has made us the target of a lawsuit for defamation of character. We just report what we see, and cannot be held responsible for what the Galactic Administration does or does not do with that information. Since this unnamed person obviously implicated himself in the shooting of the deputy, he clearly has no case against us. To err on the side of caution however, I have retained Necrose as council, and Asterix is in the process of finding himself an attorney as well.

ASTERIX: Now that we have those house-cleaning issues out of the way, it's on to the biggest party of the year: Fed's April Fool's Bash on the roof garden at Chez Diesel! The setting was absolutely beautiful, with many different flavors of ice cream, free soda, free balloons and of course, the bouncy castle.

LYNNEA: The foolish costume contest got everyone's creative juices flowing and everyone came dressed in their foolish best. Asterix and I looked the most foolish er... the best of all.

Tweedle-dee, AKA Asterix is here.
>ex Asterix
Asterix wears a blue and white horizontally striped shirt, tucked into his pants with a bit of his underwear showing. A "Kick Me" sign is on his back, his left shoe is untied and he wears a propeller beanie on his head.

Tweedle-dum, AKA Lynnea is here.
>ex Lynnea
Lynnea wears a blue and white horizontally striped shirt, that falls sloppily over her hips. A "Teachers pet" sign is on her back, her right shoe is untied and she wears a propeller beanie on her head.

Some of the costume entries were:

>ex nolepaul
Wearing his bunny costume. He has his silly long ears, and is wearing a big red nose and has long whiskers on his face. Here comes Peter Cotton Tail.

>ex icey
you see a horta running around in a leppard skin suit and a skinny thong under it

>ex jinto
Jinto is wearing a blue and red button up shirt (untucked), black jeans, and ugly grey shoes. He also has a bag normally used for bowling balls, and it appears large enough for three of them.

>ex zand
Zand is wearing a florescent green furry jumpsuit that shoots out beams of light at sporadic intervals

>ex zadymka
Zady is wearing MOM Descript black jeans and a white T-shirt that says "Gordie's Girl" across her chest. She's completely soaked and her long brown hair is dripping all down her back

>ex jessecka
Jess is wearing a tacky outfit of multi-colored bubbles fashioned in gawdy ruffles. Her bright red hair is braided in small cornrows, ending in large glass beads that tinkle when she swings her head.

>ex speedy
Wearing his handy down clothes from his parents, as you look all you see is a mouse in his mouse suit

>ex fancy
Fancy wears a paper fool's cap, with crepe paper strands in red, blue, green, and yellow arching out of the top, with small jingle bells on the ends. He carries a golden scepter with a long, thin handle, giggling inanely.

>ex gilar
You see a man wearing a yellow jumpsuit and hood, with orange spots. A broom is attached to the mans back, it's head painted to look like a girafes.

Others came dressed for foolishness as well but I will go over them later in this writing, but for now, take it away Asty.

ASTERIX: The first thing in this party that became obvious from the very beginning was the incompetence of the droids that were giving out the free balloons. People would go ahead and pop their balloons, deflate them, or just let them go altogether, but upon leaving and coming back, were given another balloon to treat just as poorly. It really was a waste, I feel bad for whoever's job it is to clean all that up.

Of course, the waitdroids were on the whole pretty cross, it probably had something to do with the fact that they had to save people's lives all night!

> Clambering onto the bouncy castle, Lynnea starts jumping up and down. Bouncing around with wild abandon, the bouncer is not really paying attention, just enjoying the fun - until suddenly, a mis-bounce results in a carom off one of the side walls, off the bouncy castle and towards the edge of the roof.
For a moment, it looks as though Lynnea is going to be catapulted right over the edge of the force field, but a quick-thinking waitdroid calculates the trajectory and dives into the bouncer's path; performing a heroic tackle, it saves the day.

Care to explain, Lyn?

LYNNEA: Not particularly Asty... The first thing I noticed was that everyone kept kicking you in the butt!

ASTERIX: Must've had something to do with the "Kick Me" sign you kept putting on my back!

LYNNEA: That wasn't me, can't find a thing in my notes about that.

ASTERIX: You and your notes, there's something fishy there.

LYNNEA: As I've said before, Asty, if it's in my notes, it happened, if it's not there, it must not have happened... Something that did happen... Did you notice how efficient, albeit cross, those waitdroids were? I mean, every time a balloon was popped they were right there picking up the pieces. That was lucky considering that some of the guest popped literally hundreds of them. We would have had a pile of balloon scraps to rival that pile of fruit in the Urban Spaceman bar had they not done that.

ASTERIX: Yeah, it'd be awfully nice if Diesel could spare a few of those waitdroids to follow us around and clean up after us. Maybe then we wouldn't be leaving such huge messes all over Sol and Hazed wouldn't have to dock our pay so much... In fact, I don't think I've been paid at all yet.

LYNNEA: I know, me neither, in fact Hazed said something about us paying her if we continued on our current path. I'm not sure what she meant by that. I think she was referring more to you though, and your lack of note taking skills. I mean she isn't buying us these note pads for your foolish tic-tac-toe games.

ASTERIX: So I should be a loser like you and write everything down as it happens?

LYNNEA: If being a loser means actually doing your job, then yes! Do you WANT to pay Hazed for this, or do want to GET paid?

ASTERIX: Whatever, like I was saying, those waitdroids did a great job cleaning up all over the place, and I was hoping that Diesel might want to loan us a few when Jinto mentioned that we really don't need them at all.

> Jinto says, "Clean up after you, when it gets messy you just go to a new bar, I've been to your parties"

LYNNEA: He has a point... Hey look at my notes right here Asty. This is where Icey had that wardrobe malfunction! I'm still trying to figure out how that thong managed to go flying through the air like that! He didn't even bat an eye, just stood there, proudly showing off his... well, that might not be appropriate.

ASTERIX: Weirdly enough, I sent in those pictures that I took, fully expecting to get them printed on the front page of the Star, but for some reason, Hazed sent all the pictures back... I wonder why.

LYNNEA: At this point Jessecka shrieked at Robius, and for the first time that evening we suddenly realized that... well... just look.

> ex Robius
He waddles in with his hands on his aching lower back. His stomach is sticking way out and he is wearing a stretchable kilt that comes up over it. He looks a little quesy. It's as if..noooo, He can't be PREGNANT, can he?!?!

ASTERIX: I had heard that they were trying to get pregnant for a while. I just hope there aren't any... complications.

LYNNEA: Um... I think there already are some complications going on there... And just between you and me, I'm not so certain that Jessecka's the momma. But anyway, here is where Gwaptiva showed up in what was obviously MY outfit. I can't believe he stole my clothes like that! I mean just look at this!

>ex Gwaptiva
You see a tall man wearing a Jungle Jane outfit, complete with leopard skin skirt and bikini top. Obviously he is still wearing his wide-brimmed hat

Everyone knows that's what I wear over there on Lair when I hang out in my tree house!

ASTERIX: That was where I recognized that outfit from! The centerfold of the latest FedBabes Weekly—I mean um... Your closet.

LYNNEA: You said you got rid of those pictures!!!

ASTERIX: Er... Um... Anyway, at about this time everyone started making guesses as to some announcement that we were going to make towards the end of the party. I think somebody mentioned that Lynnea was pregnant, and that I was the child?

> Icey says, "she is prego with asterix"
Gwaptiva says, "nah, that's stupid, Icey. You can see that Asterix is very much born"

LYNNEA: They weren't too far off, you are a child...

ASTERIX: Be that as it may, they were completely off, and I don't remember anything about any announcement! Is it in your notes?

LYNNEA: No, nothing in my notes at all about an announcement. Apparently there was a mass hallucination of some kind.

ASTERIX: Then I guess that means it didn't happen at all then, thank goodness. It'd be terrible to find out that I hadn't actually been born yet, or that you and I were twins separated at birth, like Zadymka guessed.

LYNNEA: ...ANYWAY! At about this time, Jinto broke into Diesel's Old Peculiar, and at least a few people thought that was a good idea

> Gwaptiva says, "woohoo, no more pop"

ASTERIX: Something tells me you had a few too many pints of Old Peculiar, because you continued to have trouble with the bouncy castle.

> Clambering onto the bouncy castle, Lynnea starts jumping up and down. Bouncing around with wild abandon, the bouncer is not really paying attention, just enjoying the fun - until suddenly, a mis-bounce results in a carom off one of the side walls, off the bouncy castle and towards the edge of the roof.
For a moment, it looks as though Lynnea is going to be catapulted right over the edge of the force field, but a quick-thinking waitdroid calculates the trajectory and dives into the bouncer's path; performing a heroic tackle, it saves the day.

LYNNEA: Is that the only thing you made note of all night Asty? That thing was rigged, I swear.

ASTERIX: Yeah, that or you don't know how to bounce safely. I'd suggest keeping both feet on the ground, Lyn. I think I remember something happening next, but I don't quite know for sure.

LYNNEA: Why do you even HAVE a notebook, Asty? Did you even notice that this is where Honoria came hopping into the party in her Easter bunny costume?

> ex Honoria
You see a small woman dressed in a silly white easter bunny outfit complete with floppy ears and big feet. Tied to her little cotton tail are two balloons.

ASTERIX: Oh right, and now I remember, and instead of just bringing eggs, she brought some of her very tasty, and famous brownies!

> Honoria exclaims, "Who wants some treats!"
Zadymka exclaims, "nice! Brownies!!"
Asterix says, "Mmmm, brownies."

LYNNEA: I thought I had something in my notes about the suspicious brownies, but I can't seem to find that right now.

ASTERIX: Just because you don't trust the brownies, doesn't make them evil! And anyway, if it's not in your notes...

LYNNEA: ...it's not true, yes, yes I know!

ASTERIX: And just after Honoria's grand entrance, Lord Furgas of Dilconia finally made his way to the party, and of course was wearing the silliest clothing he could find... It just happened to be the same thing he always wears.

> ex Furgas
you see a man wearing the royal trapings of House Dilconia. upon his head is the crown of Dilconia and he carrys with him the royal seal of the empire.

LYNNEA: Asty, I swear, you're going to get yourself killed one of these days. At this point, the conversation once again turned to Robius's unborn child. Zadymka accused Robius of getting pregnant with a droid, and Jessecka recounted the tail of the well-known movie, "Brokeback Dryad." Between you and me, Asty, did you see the look that Jessecka gave Robius when she was talking about Brokeback Dryad? I'm telling you, I'm not certain that Jess is the momma.

ASTERIX: While all of this was going on, Lynnea and I were making our final observations and beginning to tally who would be the winner of the silly-costume contest.

Personally, I think that Lynnea and I should have won, for our coordination in silliness, but SOME people, who have hired lawyers might find that a bit in bad taste.

LYNNEA: *coughRobiuscough* So Asty and I deliberated for a bit, and came up with our top three costumes of the night.

ASTERIX: And of course, while we were deliberating, the conversation very quickly turned from fun, jovial humor to sexual innuendo. Something about Gwaptiva slipping a banana to a monkey to make it sit in Honoria's basket... or something.

LYNNEA: But that all died down very quickly when Asty and I announced that we had picked the slithy winner for the night!

> Asterix clears his throat, "Ahem! We have a winner in the silly clothes contest!"
Gwaptiva holds his breath "not me not me not me"
Lynnea drawls, "Our 3rd place runner up is......"
Lynnea exclaims, "Speedy!!"
Gwaptiva hoots
Asterix applauds
Rowan claps.
Zadymka golf claps for Speedy
Honoria claps and hoots for Speedy
Gilar cheers
Lynnea turns to Asty to say the 2nd place
Robius cuddles close to Jess, giggling with excitement and anticipation.
Jessecka smiles.
Asterix drawls, "In second place, our runner up in today's contest...."
Asterix exclaims, "Robius!!"
Gwaptiva cheers
Jessecka exclaims, "yay!!"
Lynnea cheers!
Zadymka golf claps for Robius
Jessecka has given Robius a cool kiss.
Gilar cheers
Gwaptiva drawls, "way to go..."
Honoria cheers for Robius
Fancy says, "Way to go Robius."
Robius smiles, "Oh, thank you. :)"
Gwaptiva very much uncrosses his fingers
Robius has given Jessecka a truly scrumptious kiss.
Lynnea drawls, "Ok! Our winner of the silly costume contest goes to...."
Gwaptiva drum rolls
Lynnea yells and claps as she says, "GWAPTIVA!"
Gwaptiva says, "eeep"
Gwaptiva tries to hide behind Rowan
Zadymka claps for Gwaptiva
Lynnea laughs and claps her hands
Fancy claps for Gwaptiva.
Rowan claps and whistles.
Honoria pats Gwap on the back, "Way to go, buddy.

ASTERIX: Congratulations to our top three outfits for the night, and especially to Gwaptiva, our slithy winner. Gwaptiva began to give what sounded like a riveting speech, but for some reason stopped before he finished and just wound up ordering some drinks for everyone.

LYNNEA: Oh right, riveting, here's how my intrepid partner reacted to it.

Gwaptiva says, "I would like to thank the director, a wonderful crew"
Asterix leans on Lynnea and falls asleep, snoring quietly

ASTERIX: Again, yet another showing of your notes that was entirely un-called for.

LYNNEA: Again, totally unethical to NOT show the whole story, and, loads of fun for me if I do! Oh, and speaking of ethics. I think it would be totally unethical not to mention that my earlier suspicions concerning Honoria's brownies came true about this point. Having had far too many of them, Gwaptiva clearly began to hallucinate. He was swatting at imaginary enemies and shouting some very odd things. Here, see for yourselves.

It started with Honoria laughing for no apparent reason.

> Honoria busts out laughing
Gwaptiva looks at Honoria, wondering if she's lost her mind

And here there was some strange talk of some unseen disaster, in which Gwaptiva thought he might have been in danger or something, and Honoria was quite shocked.

> Gwaptiva tries to conjure up his regular outfit so his parents will be saved the embarrassment
Honoria widens her mouth in shock

This clearly proves what I've been saying all along. There is something about those brownies that just isn't right.

ASTERIX: Well, after that, nothing much happened except the good times continued. The drinks flowed graciously and at no point was anyone afraid of anything at all, for any reason whatsoever.

LYNNEA: Yes, well, the scariest thing that happened was that someone almost fell off the bouncy castle, and you know... that thing with um... Icey and his underpants... but that's all though... Nothing more, nothing less.

ASTERIX: Yes, Lynnea. That bouncy castle could possibly have been very dangerous.

Anyway, since everybody was completely safe, all that's left is to congratulate Gwaptiva, our slithy winner once again, and say goodnight and stay safe! Sometimes a bouncy castle gone bad is more dangerous than a pitcher of wobbly water gone good!

LYNNEA: And remember folks, Honoria's brownies are not for the faint of heart!