Official News page 4

EARTH CITIZENS PROTEST ABOUT TELEPORTERS

by Hazed

A group of concerned citizens on Earth are complaining about teleporter use. No, they don't find the way people can suddenly appear in front of you with no warning, startling you so much you drop what you are carrying or choke on what you are eating, a problem. Nor are they concerned that this technology is only available to the rich and therefore unfair to all those whose incomes don't allow them to subscribe to this cutting edge equipment.

No, their concern is about teleporter energy. They say it causes dizziness, nausea, and many other side-effects. Anyone in the vicinity of a person teleporting in or out is exposed to this energy, and risks damage to their health. People who live in areas that are particularly popular to those with porters suffer the most.

The group's spokesthing, M Flat Ed, a Cygnian host-parent whose family have lived on Earth for generations, explained, "We are appalled that families are exposed to this dangerous form of energy. I don't want my offspring exposed to risk 24 hours a day from these machines that generate toxic rays. He goes to school near the Mercy Hospital, and people are always porting in and out, bathing him and his school chums in the noxious teleporter stuff."

Another protestor showed us a rash that had appeared on his tentacles. "These nasty green blotches are caused by teleporter energy," said Gaspod Meer, from Betelgeuse. "I know when someone is porting in and out in the vicinity because the itching gets worse and the skin starts coming off in flakes. Look..." Fortunately we were distracted by another protestor before we were forced to examine his peeling exoderm.

Dr Sigismund Rattrat told us that he was constantly seeing patients with unexplained symptoms. "They tell me they feel sick, they get dizzy, they are all listless, tired all the time, headaches... there's no clinical explanation for these complaints so it must be caused by some outside agency. I am convinced it is teleporter energy. What else could it be?"

We asked if any tests had been conducted to prove or disprove his claim, but he wandered off to shout out slogans instead of answering us.

A Galactic Administration scientist, Professor Hing Ko, told us that the claims of health problems caused by teleporters were nonsense. "The energy produced by teleportation is negligible, no more than what you get from sending a comm message. While it could conceivably have some minor affect on the person teleporting - and we have had a few reports of dizziness and nausea from those who teleport excessively - it can in no way affect bystanders."

We asked him about tests, and he laughed. "Yes, it would be very easy to test these claims. Put somebody who claims to be suffering the symptoms in a room. Have someone teleport in and out of an adjoining room randomly, and the subject has to indicate when the symptoms get worse. If they match when the porting actually happens, then I will accept that maybe there is something to this."

So why hadn't the tests been done? "None of these idiots will cooperate. They don't want a scientific answer, they are not interested in facts. I think they are afraid that the tests would show them up to be hypochondriacs or fantasists."

We suggested that the Fed2 Star could set up a trial along those lines, and he was in favour, but didn't think we'd be able to get anyone to take part. Still, he looked forward to watching us trying, and wished us luck.

We'll report on the trials in a future edition of the Star.

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