Official News page 2

GALADMIN HEALTH DEPARTMENT WARNS ABOUT TELEPORTERS

by Hally Godarkly

Teleporters are bad for your health, claims a leading medical researcher from the Galactic Administration. He is worried that the reintroduction of this popular technology will have catastrophic consequences on the health of the galaxy's population.

His claim has nothing to do with the scare over teleporter energy which a small minority of idiotic people claim causes them a variety of symptoms. Instead, he is concerned about over-reliance on porters causing a galaxy-wide epidemic of obesity!

We spoke to Dr Scaramonger about his fears. "It's shocking," he told our reporter. "Over-use of these devices means people are not getting any exercise at all. It won't be long before we start to see the effects as everybody who uses teleporters puts on weight. This will inevitably lead to mass obesity amongst the population - at least, amongst those that can afford teleporters."

He told us that some people had become so reliant on teleporters that they even used them to move from one room to another in their homes. "You're sitting on the sofa watching TV, you fancy a snack, so you port into the kitchen, grab some food from the fridge, and port right back to the sofa. You've barely used a muscle. This is sheer laziness and can only have catastrophic consequences on health."

He went on to explain just what those consequences could be. "Obviously the obesity epidemic could lead to terrible health problems, with a huge drain on the resources of hospitals and other medical professions. But if the trend continues, people will start to lose the use of their legs completely until eventually they will atrophy and finally drop off."

What, we asked, did he think should be done to prevent this hideous vision of the future from coming to pass?

"Well," he replied, "At first I considered lobbying for teleporters to be banned. After all, nobody really needs to travel instantly from place to place. It's a luxury we could well do without - there's nothing wrong with using spaceships to travel from planet A to planet B; what could possibly be so urgent you need to get there in less than a minute?

"But friends persuaded me that people would never agree to give up their precious new toys, so it wasn't worth trying to push through a ban - I would never succeed, no matter how right I was. So instead, I want governers added to all teleporters to prevent them from being used for short journeys - say, less than a mile. This would stop the ridiculous and dangerous habit of using porters to move around the house, and also mean that people would have to put a bit more effort into popping down to the shops on a whim. As a consequence, they would be dissuaded from eating too much, and when they did decide to get more food, would get a bit of exercise."

What were the chances, we wanted to know, that his campaign would succeed? "I am confident," he told us. "Many of the GA bureaucrats have their own worries about the freedom to travel instantly that teleporters give to people, so they are receptive to plans to limit their use. Perhaps there should be different grades of porters - one basic one, with the limits I have suggested, for ordinary people who can't be trusted to make sensible decisions about their health so need to be controlled, and then an enhanced version with no limits which is only issued to members of the GA who can be trusted not to abuse the technology. Or maybe teleporter use should be taxed, so that you have to pay each time you use it. That would soon put a stop to this irresponsible idleness."

Despite Dr Scaramonger's confidence, we found precious little support for his radical plans when we polled other officials. Which is a relief - this reporter, for one, wouldn't want to give up the convenience of my so-called "precious new toy" - my porter!

Fed2 Star index Previous issues Fed 2 home page