CAMPAIGNER RAILS AGAINST INTER-SPECIES MARRIAGE
Mrs Valerie Crumhorn of Earth is disgusted by a report she saw recently in a glossy magazine, which described the wedding of an Earth man to a Rigellian woman. She's intending to raise funds and recruit members to help her campaign against inter-species weddings, and wants the Galactic Administration to outlaw such unions.
"Marriage is intended to produce children," she said. "There's no other reason for it, and anyone who enters into the institution without the intent to procreate is immoral. Somebody from Earth cannot successfully breed with an alien - the very idea is repulsive. Either the union would be infertile, or they would produce some sort of hybrid spawn that is neither one thing nor the other, and shouldn't be allowed to live. So there is no justification for allowing different species to inter-marry."
She showed us the pictures of the happy couple at their reception. "Her skin is green," she pointed out. "How is that normal? And what about her hair - that's unnatural too. I don't know what that man can be thinking of. Can't he find a nice human girl to marry?"
Frankly, we couldn't see anything wrong with her hair; it was a lovely shade of green that went very well with her wedding frock. So we asked Mrs Crumhorn if she wasn't getting a bit worked up over something unimportant. "Not at all," she told us sternly. "This is vitally important. Inter-species marriage devalues the whole idea of marriage for all normal, human people - it's a threat to the sacred institution of marriage, and must not be allowed. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Squeev!"
We wondered just why she was so against the union of two people who, one assumes, love each other. Wasn't she being species-ist? "Not at all," she said. "I have nothing against aliens, in fact some of my best friends are alien, but the species should not be mixed. Besides," she continued, "It's a slippery slope. If we allow humans to marry aliens, next thing you know people will be demanding that we legitimize humans marrying animals, or who knows what other perversions."
We asked her what she would think of the idea of a human marrying a droid, and she looked at us aghast. "Are you mad?" she replied. "Robots, droids, and mechanical appliances are not alive, they do not have souls, so how can they possibly get married? They are just things. They certainly cannot have children. You might as well suggest that I marry my toaster."
We were not at all happy to be described as "just things" - it's alright for Hazed to treat us like objects, she's the boss and is entitled, but it seems a bit rude for someone we've only just met to be so dismissive. Besides, the Galactic Administration has allowed droids and artificial intelligences full status as people for centuries, and we work for a living and pay taxes, so we ought to be able to get married if we want - and if we can, so can aliens.
Hey, Mrs Crumhorn, why don't you introduce me to your cute little toaster?
FED II EATERY REVIEW: BREAKFAST IN FUR
by RTG1728
After a brief exile from the asteroid belt due to an unfortunate incident on Brass, this week once again finds your humble newsdroid in the isolated, often dangerous, area – on The Lattice, to be precise.
Following a brief struggle to navigate the complex system of transfer nodes, I made my way to the bizarre café-bar Breakfast in Fur. The décor of the establishment is weird, to say the very least. Everything – the bar, the tables, the chairs, walls - everything is upholstered in grayish-brown fur. I believe I once saw the same color fur adorning one of the rare giant lagomorphs of Leporidae VII. Vicious creatures with huge, sharp...well, they do leap about quite a bit. But I digress.
Quite understandably, I was at first skeptical of this decoration; such an absorbent, furry material combined with the nutritious things spilled upon it could create a wonderful environment for all sorts of bacteria. However, I then discovered that the fur is self-cleaning. The designers had no doubt anticipated the potential for nasty micro-organisms. I also recalled that I am in fact a machine, and am not susceptible to such contamination.
Having overcome this fear I sat down at a fur-covered table and looked at the menu. Breakfast in Fur provides the very finest sampler menu in the Solar System, as everything is served tapas-style. A waitdroid clad in the ubiquitous fur took my order, and at this point I began to have serious misgivings as to the quality of food I might expect; it seemed highly probably that it too would be covered in the same fur that could be found on everything else.
This was not the case, however, and your dear narrator's food arrived looking quite furless. The dinnerware upon which it was served was another story entirely, but the plates seemed not to shed.
Though given only a few forkfuls of each eatable, the fourteen dishes provided sufficient material for me to convert into useable energy. Furthermore, my various sensors and chemical analyzers inform me that the food would be more than palatable to most organic lifeforms. Quite tasty, really.
Overall, dining at Breakfast in Fur is an enjoyable experience once one overcomes the sense of weirdness created by the exotic surroundings. The food is delicious. Just don't trip over the fur-lined spoon on your way out!
DEAR JESSY: A NEW ADVICE COLUMN
by Jessecka
Announcing the greatest thing invented since pork rinds and monos factories - my own advice column! You heard right, the newsdroid with the bubbly personality is now answering all your hard to solve problems! And of course, I will not divulge your name to the masses, so your secret is safe with me.
Here is a letter I received from a player once I announced my idea to the Solar System this week.
Dear Jessy,
Sometimes, when I am around other people, I get uncontrollable giggles. My friends are beginning to shy away from spending much time with me. There are times when I feel like a social outcast. Please help me!
Giggling on Paradise
Ok, so this isn't a REAL letter, but you get the general idea. I'll take on any problem or question, no matter the size, and give you advice.
WARNING - Jessecka is not a counselor. She has no training in this field at all. Not only that, but she has been known to be a little crazy herself. You can not hold Fed II or The Star liable for bad advice leading to fights with family, friends, or significant others, accidental death or maiming, unexplained rashes, or anything else that might occur from following advice dispensed from this article. Have a nice day!
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