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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate January 1998 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate January 1998 |
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INSIDE
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BOY THIS UNIVERSE IS TOUGH Editor's note: This story was tacked on the loo wall in the editor's break area, as such we can not verify its authenticity or its content. The lady who wrote it may or may not exist. Take it for what it's worth! To the editors of the Federation Spynet Bulletin: Hi, I'm a new trader see, so I attended one of those Trader classes the official bureaucracy has set up to help out us new commodity-challenged types. In the class the teacher tells us we got to go looking for agri planets and find a low price on stuff like woods, or furs or something else (I'm still commodity-challenged see). Then I'm supposed to go find a leisure planet that is buying em high, and just keep going back and forth. So I decides to stay in the Sol area for awhile being new and all. Not knowing any better I land on this one planet called Nwo, it wasn't an agri or leisure but it was easy to punch into the jump computer, being only three letters and all. So I get to Nwo and find my way through to customs easily enough and am directed to go out to the exchange. I'm in the exchange, looking around for a good price when I see these thug like characters eyeing me. One of them goes over to a little clean-shaven guy with a big cigar in his mouth and whispers to him while pointing to me. The little guy nods and goes back to his trade while the big thug comes over and looks me up and down. He grabs the front of my new alloy and fur coat and hauls me over to where the little guy is sitting. The little guy eyes me, looks around then nods his head. The other thug types surround us and haul me into one of their ships. I get that nauseous feeling you get from the jump and suddenly we're floating deep out in space somewhere. The little guy motions to me and says, " We need you to do a little job for us." He gets closer, and shows me a 20 mega-groat claim check. "I want you to do 5 runs of fruit to Nwo. Can you handle that?" Well, I tell you, I eyed that 20 megs real close, and thought about these guys hauling me all the way out here, and why they'd bother to take me back if I said no so I agree. They smile and the little guy tears the note in half tellin' me I'll get the other one when I'm done with the five runs. They jump on back to Nwo and I gets my ship, they send me off to some other planet to buy the fruit and tell me they will be waiting. I go and buy the fruit and on my way back I get stopped by this customs gorilla. Seems the little guy forgot to mention the planet's goons were on the look out for cargoes like mine. The big guy takes a look at my 225 tons of fruit and gives me a dirty look. "You planning on hauling more of this in?", he says gruffly. "Yes sir, I'll be making five runs in!" thinking more was better from the tone of his voice. Apparently more wasn't better though as the official got real red in the face and snorts. "Another one of you UDF smugglers eh? We know what to do with your kind! Land this ship now and don't move from the LP!" So not wanting my new souped up hauler damaged I starts to land when out of the home star's corona comes a horde of fighters bearing down on us all! I get shot once, and next thing I know some doctor is bending over me checking out my eyes and teeth. Anyway, I just wanted to air my story somewhere. Other Traders need to know it's dangerous out there and to look out for these factions. I never did deliver those fruit loads by the way, and I haven't seen one iota of that little guy or his big goons. I finally found a nice little run, which I'm not about to tell anyone about. I'll be a merchant soon enough if I can keep my ship in one piece and my insurance doesn't get too out of hand.
FASHION
TALK They say that if you keep clothes long enough that they'll always come back in style. How true this is, but come on folks, you've taken us all the way back to the 20th century! As I wandered around Sol and quietly studied what is in "style" I was astounded. All I could find was pants known as jeans and something called a polo shirt? What is that anyway? I've never seen a polo factory anywhere in universe and believe me, I've been around. If I'd known this stuff was coming back in style I would have kept all my great-grandmother's clothes which I found in the vacuumed sealed storage compartments in my parents' old home. What will happen to the alloy facs and the xmetals if people aren't wearing them? What will happen to all the workthingies in those factories that produce them? Will they be lost to the government jobs again? Personally I don't think anything looks better on a woman than a nice alloy one piece with xmetal decorations. A man wearing vidi on those tight little buns is enough to make me drool for hours. And for the odd beings out there, try something creative. I want to see colors. Lots of colors. Make your race proud or embarrassed, whichever you prefer. If you think you have found the perfect outfit to start the new fashion trend, please get word to me so I can prove that style does exist and didn't go "out of style" in the 20th century! Contact me through Uniquette@earthlink.net who will be acting as my personal secretary until I find some man in a sexy fur G-string.
Today I was bored. Yep, bored. So bored that I did a Sol PC (that took 14.2 minutes). Then, I decided to take a tour of Sol. I hopped into my ship and typed <tour>. Selena appeared in my ship, scaring the "you know what" out of me. Selena grinned cheekily at me. She pushed some buttons on my ship and led me to CDs... like I'd never been there before, or something. She introduced me to Diesel and Selena let me look at her. Oh joy. She was wearing her vac suit with the high heels (reportedly the only one in Fed). We briefly visited the Map room, the Treasure room, and the Altar. Then she said, "Now let me show you some of the other planets in the Solar System. There's some interesting places on the moon, including a casino where you can gamble on the roulette wheel." So we went there. She lost like I usually do. I was then whisked away to a few more unmentionable places until we got to Slarti's, a place I knew well. I like Slarti's, especially because I had a nice time finally getting my planet. It took two years! We went to the grizzle caves, where she got scared off by the grizzle. I don't care for them... they eat people. She took me to the mines. The mines, well, they had a nice cartel. She told me where the drugs were. Not a good idea for me to know. The marines shuffled past while I was at the Naval base, one of the secret locations she took me to, along with an asteroid base used by pirates. The Geiger counter clicked steadily at that planet. A time machine? She showed me where they wanted me to make one. I'd like one. I'd teleport back to 1987 so I could invent Fed and get myself money! Well, that's just me. And on to Horsell... going to be invaded. Or, at least, that's what she said. "When you promote to the rank of Captain, you can use the Interstellar Link to travel outside the solar system, to other planets that are owned by players. Here, let me take you to some of them." (I already own my! own planet, so you were a bit too late, Selena.) Then I was at the Sol IL, jumping from planet to planet until I entered back at Earth in my command center. Selena blew me a kiss, and with a cheery wave of her glass of pink bubbly she left me. Whew, was that a fun tour or what? You can try it if you want.
Last week's news had an article by Peggysus about the Newbod's tour, in which you were urged to take advantage of this exciting experience. However, we forgot to explain HOW to take the tour, and although the information is in the manual we are well aware that reading the manual is something most of our players have sworn never to do. So in the interests of public information, here is how you take the tour: You type <TOUR>. Provided you are sitting in your command center, on Earth's landing pad, your friendly tourguide Selena of the Spaceways will pop up and guide you around the pitstops and hotspots of the Galaxy.
In recent times, rumors of a martian invasion have come and gone again and again. We here at News room have seen letters from various nut cases again and again. However this particular letter was a little different... Dear whoever, I was taking my normal daily walk through the martian ruins when I heard a noise, a strange noise coming from below a rock. I walked over to the rock and lifted it up. A tunnel was there and I decided to have a look. Heck if I found something I might be famous. So I ventured into the tunnel and when I came out on the other end I saw an entire city more advanced than anything I'd ever seen and big enough for over 300 fleets of ships to move through with ease. Of course, as always happens in these cases, I was without the means of recording my astounding fine. Sighing at my rotten luck I continued on into the city. I saw thousands of little aliens half the size me scurrying about. They had three eyes, blue skin, and two arms. I then saw an official looking building and decided that since I didn't have my camera handy and I would need to take something back for proof, I'd explore there. This building was huge! It must have had over a 1,000 offices. While wandering around I found an office with a door that had a blue circle with a square inside it engraved in gold. I went in to the office and looked around for something to bring back as proof. I saw computers more high tech than anything I've ever seen and droids galore. I soon discovered my proof! A notepad. I walked over and picked it up. It had yellow paper that had and I quote "hoi tokh nh kjgh" written on it. So after quickly reading what was on the note pad I put it in my pocket and headed for the door. After I was out of the office I hurried to get out of the building without being seen. Unfortunately two short burly looking martians saw me and chased me shooting their half-sized lasers every so often. I headed quickly for the tunnel and made it out. I then headed straight home to write you this letter. Thank you, Person who prefers to remain anonymous until he gets some money P.S. When do you think I will get my money? After reading this letter I called some friends of mine that investigate martian sightings. As of yet they have not found anything. This reporter will keep you informed of any future developments.
Friday night the long time collector and buyer of strange goods, Scavenger, was dragged into the Earth courtroom in chains to face accusations of responsibility for the disappearance of Freya. Aptly defended by the lovely and intelligent Gaminglady, Scavenger was as well behaved as he ever is. The prosecution, headed by Geniusguy, presented its case, which rested largely on the testimony of a few witnesses: Uniquette, Dooeee, and Trenslive. All reported seeing Freya in a bar in an uncharacteristic distraught mood, sans shoes. Minutes later Scavenger was seen by all three, When Freya left, Scavenger apparently was seen to follow. Reports showed he followed her into the ruins. Gaminglady's defense of Scavenger consisted mainly of testimonies of three or four witnesses (This reporter fell asleep and wasn't sure if he'd missed anything or not), and a little flirting with the judge and jury. Serepheia, Zedan, and Erakose were the witnesses for the defense. When all witnesses were interrogated, Gaminglady moved for acquittal based a total lack of evidence. Judge Ikspec pondered the motion for a moment, and after prying his eyes off of Gaminglady considered her words. Deciding there was no hard evidence, the Judge dismissed the charges and proceeded to videotape the dancing and jiggling which commenced in the defense's corner.
Have you ever been sitting in your ship bored and notice the registration letters of the other ships around you? Have you ever taken the letters to see if you could make a word or sentence out of them? Well, out of sheer boredom Disk came up with a mnemonic device for the ranks of Fed and would like to share it with all. Note: The Newsroom holds no responsibility for snickering that will take place from reading the following sentence. George Clooney Can Always Trade Me John's Gamma Explorer for Space, (and) The Imperial Board, Dan. Can you come up with a better mnenomic for the Fed ranks, or for any other lists in Fed? If you think you can, mail yours to Uniquette@earthlink.net.
3 OUT OF 4 BEINGS IGNORE TECHNOCRATS A startling discovery was made today when our new mnemonics desk, manned by Cookem, found that a full three quarters of respondents to last week's request failed to recognize technocrat in their offerings. Deciding this was worth investigating this reporter took Cookem out for a few drinks. After exchanging pleasantries I asked the question. 'So tell me about this technocrat thing?' Cookem looked a little nervous at the mention of technocrat and said, "Well, all I know is there were three mnemonics entries that all left out the T for technocrat." I couldn't help but notice the industrialist was a little nervous, but try as I might I got nothing more about technocrats. He did give me three names however. Finally deciding I was going to get nowhere here, I checked Spynet Report and found the first, a Journeyman, Shag, who had also sent in the strange mnemonics. Shag was about to enter his ship on a hauling run when I caught up to him and persuaded him to talk to me. Unfortunately at the first mention of technocrat he seemed to become very frightened and immediately entered his ship and took off. Becoming more and more puzzled I sought Kotaro on Spynet Report and found him nestled in a back office on an out of the way world. Deciding the friendly approach hadn't worked well I burst into the office and grabbed Kotaro by the neck. 'Look bud, I'm having a rough day here and I don't want any dancing around, I need to know plain and simple why you, Shag, and Zar turned in mnemonics with no technocrat rank! What gives?' Kotaro shook uncontrollably, 'Please, you don't understand! I could be killed! Please let me go please!' I held the little merchie tightly, 'Not until I get an answer, now what gives?' Kotaro looked pained and finally told me, 'Look, all I know is Zargot has some sort of plans revolving around technocrats. He wants people to forget the rank exists for some reason. I swear that's all I know! He paid me to send that in. Hoping people would start to forget!' My mind wandered a little wondering just what Zargot had planned. Why would he care if people remembered technocrats or not? What could he possibly gain? Seeing I was preoccupied for a moment, Kotaro wrestled out of my grasp and ran for his ship, orbiting quickly before I knew what happened. Totally bewildered I teleported for the duchy of Zar. Zargot was nowhere to be found, but rest assured this reporter will not rest until this mystery is cleared up! Following are the mysterious mnemonics. Groat Craziness Continues And That
Ming Just Gave Away Every Single THINGY I Beat Daily. Gun Control Congressmen Act
Terrified, Might Just Grab Everybody's Six-guns; Then
It's Bye-bye Democracy. Gosh! Come (on) cats.... The Mice
Just Got Eaten! See That Insane Tiger Burn Dumb Snerts!
(Snerts is an add on of Senator so it worked. But we all
know that you can't be Senator anymore.) New Trader: Anonymous PO:
With the ever-increasing demand for a higher intelligence, it seems the University has had to cut corners in order to keep up with demand, resulting in poorer quality contraol. Now reports are coming in that some of the injections that have been given to customers have malfunctioned, leading to Fedders with faulty intelligence. The researchers of the Imperial Investigators for a Higher Intelligence (IIHI) are looking into this problem. The researchers assure us that they will find all unacceptable injections in due time, but as of right now they don't have many leads. They have pulled in one JP who they're sure has received one of these, although the JP is pleading the fifth and not commenting. The only proof the IIHI has is when this JP purchased his first company:
The IIHI also has the PO Kliming under close watch for dealings with this factory owner. As of this time there has been no comment or and confirmed intelligent problems with this PO, other than the fact that he allowed four arts fac on his planet.
We will keep you informed as this story breaks and more information becomes available.
GALAXY
GALLEY I'm sure you all have heard of Earth's old favorite "Rocky Mountain oysters". Rumor has it that the fashionable elite of Chez Deisel have brought it home again with Mercury Cave oysters! This time it's with grizzle genitals. You won't find these offered in any bar, cafe, or restaurant in the galaxy, because they're just too hard to get a hold of. Yes, that's right cooks of the universe, you need to get them off the grizzle before you can fry, bake or baste them. Actually you can fry them while they're still on the grizzle, if you can get him to stand still long enough, but this isn't my recommendation. The best way to remove them from the dead or live grizzle is to get a firm grip on them. Hold them as secure as you can while pulling gently away from the body. Be careful you don't bruise the meat because they're not near as tasty if damaged in any way. With a sharp pair of scissors, give one good snip! Continue this on as many grizzles as you need. Of course, this job isn't for the faint of heart. Most of the males of the species also have a problem with this, so women don't be surprised if they don't want to join the fun. Once you have the "oysters" and you've returned to your galley, remove the meat from their protective pouches and soak them in salt water over night. If you wish, you can freeze the sacs for a later date. They are perfect to fill with vegetables and spices of your choice and bake for an appetizer. Ingredients: (Makes enough breading to cover 8 – 10 oysters)
Mix all ingredients well. Roll the oysters into the breading until completely covered. Don't be afraid to roll them for a few minutes. The better they're rolled, the better the final outcome will be. Fry in a skillet over medium-high heat in hot salad oil. Cook until meat is well-browned and fork-tender. You will want to keep checking the tenderness by poking often with the fork. Continue this until it slides through easily. This could take between 5 and 15 minutes depending on the size. Be careful not to overcook your oysters as they have a tendency to lose their juiciness and become flat. I hope you enjoyed this issue's recipe and join me again next time for another culinary delight.
ALTS
OVERRUN FED Andy, Andyaltone, Andyalttwo, Andyaltthree. I think that many people are just losing imagination after about the fifth or sixth alt they make. Alts can be fun if you want to eavesdrop on a conversation about you, (implying here and henceforth the "real" you) and to maybe expand your planetary empire or for income. But a suggestion could be that FedTerm is programmed to only allow two FedTerm windows open at a time. Possible? I don't know, I'm no C++ hippie who's hip with the gist. But I say when one person uses their alts to have cyberpleasure, that's where the line should be drawn. Some alts are made just for fun, like the Tourist was, but when they lose their users appeal, I seriously hope they are disposed of in the proper waste repository. I don't know how many personas the Fed server can hold in memory, but lets just keep it at three alts, shall we? You know who you are.
SCIENTIST
BANNED FROM UNIVERSITY! University officials today were seen to be throwing one of their colleagues out of the Dean of Sciences office on her ear. Curious as to the reasons, I approached the young woman who appeared quite agitated. Upon finding out that I was a reporter she started babbling about some strange theory of the universe: 'I've recently discovered that the entire universe is made up of three things, stuff, no-stuff, and negative stuff. The interaction of these three things spells doom for us all!' I started walking away as I'd been warned about the tabloid crap I'd been writing lately. She was persistent, unfortunately, and continued to follow me. 'Take an Arts factory like that one over there.' She pointed to a large facility with lots of workthingies moving about. 'Every new merchant learns that Art factories take NO inputs, hence no stuff makes stuff. Also we know that in the case of the Anti-matter factories we have stuff makes negative stuff, and if you put the negative stuff too close to stuff, negative stuff plus stuff makes no stuff!' At this point she stopped and grabbed my collar pulling me close so I could smell the fact she hadn't brushed her teeth yet today. 'Do you know what that means? Do you?' She dropped her hands and pulled out a bunch of papers. 'My research shows that unless we reduce the output of negative stuff significantly and soon, we shall all be in danger of becoming no stuff. Arts factories will continue to dwindle and anti-matter production will increase as the planets of the Federation promote, and unwary POs fill their wares with the negative stuff!' She stopped dead in her tracks and looked me over. 'We've got a couple months tops, my advice is to enjoy life now. It's not going to be long before we're all exposed to anti-matter and become no stuff!' She smiled suggestively at me and I noticed, for the first time, she was not a bad looking woman. I mentally tried to remember where I'd put that new toothbrush as I led her to my place, and tight beamed my editor to tell her I had the story of the century or another good one for the bathroom magazine.
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