 BARON OF REDWALL DENIES TRYST WITH ICEY
(dateline Mars: From the
InterGalactic News Agency)
In a final attempt to quell the
rumors flashing about Federation DataSpace like wildfire,
Baron Andy of Redwall held a press conference in Chez
Diesel (social centre of the solar system) Tuesday
afternoon GT and categorically denied any improper
relationship with The Dishonorable Icedrake.
Baron Andy opened the conference by
firmly stating that he and Icedrake have only a
professional business relationship. He denied the
malicious accusations heard lately in many DataSpace bars
that he and Icedrake had slept together. Andy denied that
the tryst took place in a deserted Galactic
Administration office after corrupt and nameless
officials had left work early for the day. Andy also
denied that this incident took place after a wild pub
crawl that involved an over indulgence in consuming Water
mini-planets and zltherworm spoor. Andy admitted he did
have some wounds that resembled claw marks but said it
would be misleading to assume that things were as they
looked at first glance. They were scratches from a
Grizzle hunt, he insisted.
Andy stated that he and Icedrake
had a common professional interest in creative planet
design and construction. He denied that he and Icedrake
were often seen cuddling in dark corners when no one was
around. "If no one was around, how do they know
there was any cuddling going on?", asked the Baron.
In his closing remarks, Baron Andy
attempted to shed some light on another incident also
being laid at his feet (and Icedrake's notorious claws).
He admitted that he and Icedrake might have time traveled
back to the past for a quiet and well deserved ocean
voyage holiday. But, he emphatically denied that it was
Icedrake's claws that ripped open the side of the Titanic
during "a bit of fun with the lads" in the
engine room, rather than an iceberg. "We were on a
strict budget and had to take a single cheap cabin on a
lower deck. It was so far from the dining room we were
forced to take shortcuts through the crew quarters
occasionally." he said. "We did not sleep
together err rip open the side."
Icedrake declined to comment on the
issue and simply murmured about the vulnerability of
planets to the Icey One's voracious and possibly
selective appetite. He was seen to lazily open one eyelid
and pointedly gaze at some of the more vocal accusers.
SINGULAR
SENSATIONS
Here, at the Chronicle, we think it
is important to let everyone know when one of the
Newsbots makes a mistake. Since everyone knows it doesn't
happen often, it's nice to bring it to your attention and
let you know what actions have been done to insure it
won't happen again. We received a note from Raindrop
(singular) and would like to make our response public.
Hiya,
::::::scoffs and stomps his
feet because he was called Raindrops in the Fed
News::::
Raindrop, Squire of Puddle
/\
singular
Dear Raindrop (singular),
Please allow me to tender my
most abject apologies for the inexcusable
journalistic gaffe regarding your name. I have
personally informed the editors of the Fed Chronicle
of the nature of your complaint and the no doubt deep
well of personal grief this has occasioned you to
suffer. Please be advised that our editors have fully
investigated the Incident and identified the
newsdroid responsible. We handed over the guilty
newsdroid to the Galactic Administration which
imposed the maximum penalty allowed under the laws of
our most gracious and benevolent Emperor, His
Imperial Majesty, Ming. The exact nature of the
punishment can't be revealed under the Official
Secrets Act but I can tell you that it involves a
group of dedicated social workers, a used space ship
salesman, a retired middle school headmistress and 3
small children equipped with screwdrivers and
spanners.
We hope that you agree this
swift action on our part to right the wrong of this
regrettable incident in some small part assuages your
distress
RANK
FILES EXPOSED IN CHEZ DIESEL!
Dateline: Mars (From the
InterGalactic News Agency)
In a late night raid of Chez Diesel
(social centre of the solar system), Ming's fascist
bully-boy death-squads seized the voluptuous
proprieteuse's Executive Services files. A very extensive
investigation into the rumours of vice and degradation
flourishing in His Imperial Majesty's DataSpace right
under His Most Benevolent Hooter revealed that CDs was
much more than a mere purveyor of executive services.
High authorities in the Galactic Administration were
unavailable for comment having just left on prolonged
vacations to visit their granny who just happens to live
very far away in some little village whose name curiously
enough seems to have been omitted from the leave forms.
The files themselves are encrypted
and will require intense study to evaluate and appraise
the exact degree of pernicious behavior revealed. The
InterGalactic News Agency followed up on leaks from a
source which shall remain green... er nameless to the
effect that some of the files are thought to contain
actual film footage. This footage is of certain Highly
Ranked members of the Galactic Administration as well as
assorted Rich People cavorting and indulging in
unspeakable activities with Diesel's oppressed minions.
We can only stand and salute the stunning display of
selfless devotion displayed by the nameless and faceless
Galactic Administration clerks who have been lining up to
volunteer their services in evaluating these files
regardless of the possible danger to their delicate
sensibilities.
ONE
PERSON'S OPINION
Lately I've noticed a lot of
hullabaloo regarding DDs and role-playing. One thing
that's always grated on me like long fingernails on a
fresh chalkboard is people whimpering about "losing
everything I worked so hard for". I won't disagree
with the fact that something is lost when dying without
insurance, but not "everything" is lost.
Playing Fed isn't totally about promoting. If you really
think it is, then you won't be around much longer anyway.
Federation is many things.
Promoting the ranks seems to be the most prevalent thing
when it's lost. But I still contend it's not the only
thing no matter who you are. The interaction is the
thing. The other players and how you relate to them is
much more important than where you are between groundhog
and duke. The relationships you build with them are most
of what anyone "works" for in the game. Not
building, or hauling or promoting. Friendship is key.
Seeing a DD as some major setback
is silly nowadays especially. With the abolishment of
company cycles, and the great flood of groats in the
universe, it shouldn't take more than a month for a
baron/baroness to get rank back.
Let's remember what's really
important. Let's try and focus on why we play Fed. If it
IS just a matter of promoting for you, you won't last
long anyway. Once you're done, you're done, that's it,
it's over, the fat lady sings and just as with any other
game, you move on to something else once you've grown
tired with it.
As for role-playing, I have seen
more and more people getting involved with subterfuge,
loyalty, and angst-ridden betrayal. I would just say,
great! The game is much more interesting when it has a
villain then it is without one. Please just remember one
thing, that character you hate is not the person sitting
at the keyboard! Let's try and remember this IS just a
game, and as strong as the feelings are, who you are in
Fed is not who you are in Real life no matter how similar
the two may be.
ALIENS
ABDUCTED BY REDNECKS
by the Writing Staff at the Associated Raptorian Press
(i.e. Danny)
As you may remember from your high
school history class, in the late 20th and the early 21st
century on Earth, there were many reports of humans,
usually the breed referred to as "Rednecks",
being taken by (as the reports say) space aliens in their
flying saucers. Now of course we know that's false, the
space aliens were in their early-model Galaxy-class
starships. But the fact remains that they were taking the
"Rednecks" and nobody believed it was true.
This brings us to the actual news.
As you all also must remember from history class, in the
mid 21st century a spacecraft was launched by the Earthen
United States southern region. The crew and passengers,
all "Rednecks", were put into stasis for the
long voyage to Castillo. Unfortunately Great-Uncle Geech,
the navigator, missed the planet and sent them far into
space.
Recently the emergency backup
systems kicked in and they were sent back to their
destination, where they found that the small moon was
home to the race that abducted their kind so many decades
before. So the vengeful "Rednecks", under the
leadership of Great-Uncle Cletus, went to abduct the
aliens. Fortunately only a select few individuals of the
many assorted species that populate the moon were
abducted before the chief science officer, Great-Uncle
Merle, decided that Icedrake, Devourer of World was their
next catch. That resulted in some casualties, a reprimand
from Emperor Ming himself, and their demotion to
workthingies on Mercury, Jello, and Alba.
The research staff here at the
Associated Raptorian Press (i.e. two workthingies and a
robotic arm that's missing an index finger) was not able
to get interviews from Ming, Icedrake, Great-Uncle
Cletus, Great-Uncle Geech, Great-Uncle Merle, or any of
the other survivors.
ELECTIONS
SQUASHED AS POLITICIAN THREATENS LAWSUIT
Secretly, several people in
DataSpace have been conspiring to elect a "Governor
of Sol". These nefarious freedom mongers met in back
alleys and darkened corners of remote planets to conspire
to plan a "free" election. Knowing their
activities to be unpopular with our glorious ruler Ming,
they scurried here and there, whispering into any ear
they thought might listen.
On the eve of their dark election,
Ming's Security Team for Sol (MSTS) barged in, saving the
day for all of us before ballots could be counted.
Electors and elects were drug off to their just desserts.
The Chronicle has been recently informed by one of the
ring-leaders, Saintgrizz, that he plans to meet Ming in
court by suing him for the sum of 20,000,000,000 ig. All
we can say is... It's been nice knowing you!
The following letter is the actual
letter the news desk received.
In reference to all those
claiming Sol for themselves I say this...
Years ago a group of us held an
election for the Governor of Sol. This election was
broke up by Ming's cronies who used gestapo style
tactics and we were subjected to horrors too
frightening to speak of here. But, I will say
this… Under the Equal Opportunity Act (there has
to be one somewhere in all the rules) I hereby sue
the Ming Dynasty and ask that they be brought to
court! The price of this injustice shall be in the
amount of 20 gig. :::raises a defiant fist high in
the air as he turns to the others gathering behind
him, screaming protest chants at the top of his voice
~Saintgrizz
MEMOIRS
OF A DRAGON - Part One
by Dahzin, Overlord Dragonkeep
As I sit on my mountain and write
in this book I marvel at all that has happened to me. I
wanted to write this down so other dragons, after me,
will understand the path I have chosen to follow.
As a young dragon, coming of age
can be a wonderful yet scary thing. You are expected to
follow tradition and join the family business. But,
terrorizing the village folk was not my idea of fun. Not
when there were uncharted worlds out there to explore.
The day I left home, my parents
disowned me and I was a very sad dragon indeed. But the
need to explore strange new worlds ate at me and I knew I
would never have peace until I followed my dream. The
night I left I packed a few things. Some scale oil, water
repellant for my wings and a few knight knishes. How I
would miss my mother's knishes. In great loneliness I
flew from planet to planet, but never found what I was
looking for until one day, tired with sore wings, I set
down on a beautiful planet of blue seas and green land.
It was strange this new place. As I
entered, I heard a voice tell me welcome. Other voices
were equally kind, telling me where I could buy a ship. A
ship? What a novel idea for a dragon! Maybe this was the
place I was seeking.
As I walked down the paths of this
planet no one seemed surprised or frightened. There was
no fear on the faces of the strangers I met. Oh what fun
it was. Pretending to be anything I wanted and no one
chastised me at all. They were all so friendly. They even
loaned me groats to buy a ship. They had been so kind to
me I had to bite my tongue not to tell them how small the
ship was for a dragon. Many times I banged my head on the
doorways and the seats were so small there was nowhere to
put my tail. At times I pondered on my parents words, but
I wasn't ready to give up. I persevered and soon was
flying throughout this space like a pro. Then I learned
what a dangerous place this new world was!
Ah, the memories! Fierce battles
with grizzle bears. Discovering treasures in many unusual
places. The kindness of the people on the various
planets. And yes, I blush to say, discovering how
passionate I can become. Oh, the memory of that night at
Chez Diesel, when I met the finest looking dragon I have
ever seen. The moment when he led me up the stairs. And
the betrayal and hurt I felt as I found he had stolen all
my hard earned money.
This place they called Sol was
growing smaller, the places too familiar and I was ready
to branch out into the unknown. Preparing for the trip I
purchased a larger ship more fitting to a dragon and I
headed into an unknown link. I am embarrassed to mention
the fear I felt that first time, but this is what I had
looked for my whole life! Bravely, I dodged the Space
Pirate. Carefully, I maneuvered away from a strange
horse-shaped ship and with a burst of speed and power I
was there!
I longed to be able to tell my
parents about this time, but the rift had grown larger.
They told me that a dragon should not rely on a ship to
fly. It was difficult to get my parents to understand the
wonder and joy I felt.
For several days I flew on my own,
searching for... I didn't know what. So many of the
planets I visited were alike. Many were dragon
unfriendly. Then one day I met my first friend.
What a fine example of human she
seemed to be. What a fierce warrior. She stood there,
tall, slim, long golden hair falling about her shoulders.
A crisscrossed bandolier was across her chest and she
held a smoking laser at her side. I wanted to impress her
with what a fine, dignified, majestic dragon I was. Yet,
something inside me seem to bubble up and burst free. I
jumped up and down and waved my arms, she greeted me as a
friend, hugged me and petted my neck. She told me her
name was Bajaslady and took me to her planet. What a joy
it was! She must have known we were meant to meet for
right there was a place she had created for dragons. How
I longed for a planet of my own.
Now my goal was set! I would one
day rule over a planet of my own. Not by terrorizing the
village folk, but by hard work! Tirelessly, I worked my
talons to stubs, carrying goods here and there.
Carefully, each night I would find a place to rest my
weary tail, take my groat pouch out and count what was
there.
After hauling for endless days I
reached my goal. Proudly, I entered the planet shop and
laid the groats down. What an achievement I had made! The
builders worked long hard hours to produce the planet I
wanted. Impatiently, I paced their office waiting for the
completion of their work. Then I was handed the deed. It
was mine! I was barely able to contain myself as I flew
through the air doing loop-the-loops in the sky. The
sheer joy of owning a planet caused me to forget I had
left my ship behind. I flew to my ship and once again
braved the area of space owned by a merciless entity
named Ming. His ships were everywhere.
As I neared my planet, my heart
started beating faster and faster. Carefully, I set the
ship down and took my first step on Dragonkeep. My heart
sank. There were blue skies, warm air and just a feeling
of warmth and friendliness it made me nauseous. 'How
could they do this to me?' I called out to the sky. I
wanted a place to feel at home. Where were the tunnels,
the caves the essence of that which is dragon?
With a broken heart, I started to
work. To my surprise I found the planet was already
inhabited. Strange little creatures that seemed to live
for work. We closed the planet to any traveler and spent
days reconstructing it to my original specifications. All
my complaints to the Slartis company were met with bored
indifference by Ming. One day I vow to make this creature
pay! As the planet began to bloom dragons from all over
came to see what this splendid world looked like and
decided to stay. How I longed for my parents and friends
to see what I had done.
Then came the black day. A day so
infamous I shudder to speak of it. It was the day a
knight came. I had warned the knights to stay away. Yet,
still they came. They were pompous and seemed hell bent
on destroying all I had built. The wars in that early
time still bring tears to my eyes. All I wanted was a
place to live and dream the dreams as I had back home.
Maybe it is a dragon's destiny to be at war with knights.
Soon, the sands became red with
their blood and I piled their armor at the Visitor's
Center as another warning. Time passed and the knights
ceased to come. Life was good. Then one gray day a ship
landed. Out came a short knight. His armor was battered
and he carried a sword. He looked around the pad and
walked over to me. Being a rather friendly dragon and not
one to hold a grudge I was prepared to greet him kindly.
As I said welcome, this vicious knight stomped on my
tail! The nerve!
Goldie told me to eat him up. Pile
his armor alongside the rest! Death to this knight! As I
felt an anger build in me, I dampened it down. This was
not the home I had come from. This was my planet and I
would try to end the enmity between knights and dragons
at last. I would let this knight live. What will come of
this decision? Only time will tell. It may be that one
day his armor will be piled with the rest. That his bones
will bleach in the sun. For now... he lives.
MEMOIRS
OF A DRAGON - Part Two
by Dahzin Overlord of Dragonkeep
As I sit and write once again, I am
filled with conflicting emotions. Many changes have taken
place in this universe I now call home. Some good, and
some... only time will tell.
A great exodus has occurred, many
have disappeared, but there are still those who stand
fast and protect their planets from the devourer.
Abandoned planets now clutter the skies. It seems the
threats of the devourer has caused many to flee, but
there are those of us who will not go down without a
fight! Fearful of this devourer my friends sought out a
safer place to live. One by one I watched sorrowfully as
they towed their planets across the sky. Then, the time
came for me to make a decision.
Should I stay within this ruined
galaxy or follow them to a safer one? The beautiful
Phoenxx flew to my home and enticed me to return with
her. 'There is a wonderful place you can go,' she said.
'A place where your friends are waiting.' 'Where?' I
asked. She smiled at me and said. 'Pacifica.'
Eagerly, I agreed and hugged
Phoenixx tightly. Carefully, we set about preparing my
planet for the move and gently we towed it to the new
galaxy. What a wonderful home it seemed to be. Peaceful,
joyous and caring people resided there. True, this galaxy
is ruled by an entity and his voice booms across the
galaxy, but he seems a peaceful ruler, letting us work
and play in peace. My joy was complete, no more would I
have to do battle with Ming's minions. I could live out
the rest of my life in peace.
Excitedly, I flew the length of
this new galaxy familiarizing myself with the creatures
who lived here. Ah, the comfort to once again sit in the
dragon sized trading booths on Cabo. To once again watch
Phoenixx rise from her ashes. Then the blackness
descended once more.
Midway through my flight I saw it!
I hovered about in shocked surprise. Slowly, I descended
closer and found my eyes had not deceived me. The castle
was familiar, somehow my nemesis had sneaked into this
peaceful paradise. I flew to my home, warned the dragons
to be on their guard and put up defensive this new home
softened my feelings towards the knight for he had stayed
in his world and left mine alone.
Then one day without warning a ship
landed, out walked the knight and in one vicious moment
destroyed any possible truce between us. He stood in the
village, looked around and saw me. As I prepared to greet
him, he stomped on my tail! He threw me a victorious look
and entered his ship and left. So... it is to be war!
Undercover of darkness I took wing
that night and flew to his world. I would see what this
world had become and how best to prepare my defense. As
the knight slept, I wondered about quietly, secretly and
camouflaging myself. I was not prepared for the horror
that awaited me.
As I entered his trading place, I
let out a roar that could be heard the length of the
galaxy. The knight was a slayer of dragons and casually,
evilly tossed the meat of those he had slain, to the
people and travelers. With a heavy heart I flew back
home, gathered my dragons about me and took count.
Thankfully, there were none missing. But, now we would be
prepared. Our guards were up!
As I perched one late night my eyes
scanning the planet, I saw the knight's ship approach.
Calling out across the galaxy I urged the beings to band
together, to finally put and end to this evil. There was
no response. Had the knight somehow blinded their eyes to
the wickedness he does? His ship landed and in full armor
he emerged. Looking around, he turned back to his ship
and I heard a high-pitched noise, a whistle. From within
the ship there were sounds of an unusual clip clopping
and then a strange four-legged creature appeared. The
knight held a long pointed lance and proceeded to climb
upon this animal.
Quickly, I donned my tail armor and
took wing, but it was too late. Before my eyes, the green
saw the knight and flew down to do battle. The knight
raised his lance and with one swift thrust buried the
point into the heart of the green. With a victorious cry
he held the lance high and watched as the dragon's blood
seeped into the earth. My heart twisted at the sight. I
flew faster but the distance was too great, the knight
dragged the green into his ship and took off.
Will there be no end to his evil
ways? Will no one remove the blindfolds and see what he
is truly like? I called for aid, to ask others to help me
destroy this knight, but they do not believe the words I
say. So, the fight is mine alone. Which only serves to
make my task harder, but not impossible.
The destiny that awaits us, will
one day be fulfilled. Either his bones will bleach in the
sun or my flesh will hang from his lance. I will continue
to search the galaxies far and wide for allies. I had
hopes of the Rukians seeing through his disguise, but
though they are saddened at the evil he does will not
take the sword against him. In my mind, I still search
for the answer that has caused this enmity between us.
The night has fallen and my bones and muscles call out
for relief. I shall sit in the hot tub and let the warm
water ease my aches, munch on some knight knishes and
ponder on this.
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