Web Fed News Yearbooks - February 1999

RECIPE FROM THE SUPREME DRAGONESS
by Dahzin, Overlord Dragonkeep

Due to so many requests for my Knight Knish recipe, I have finally decided to share. I am sure you will find this as tasty as it sounds.

Ingredients:
One knight - mashed
Fine slivers of armor - optional
Pre-packaged flaky dough
Salt
Pepper
Onions

Preparation:
Two - four weeks - depending on the size of the knight.

First: Set the trap!
Now this is not as difficult as you would think because knights are slow, clumsy and lack a higher intellect. Once the knight has been trapped I recommend at least two weeks of fattening and seasoning. It is best to limit the creature's movements so the meat does not become thin and stringy. Seasonings, of course, are to your own taste. I prefer to put the knight on a high fat, high salt diet and supply it several bottles of a nice aged wine. It not only gives a nice flavor to the knight it also seems to keep them in a calm state.

After 2-4 weeks of seasoning:
It is preferable to make your own dough but there are many fine prepared packages of dough available throughout the Universe. Being such a busy dragon, I prefer to make use of the pre-packaged dough.

Pre heat the knish kiln. One or two deep breaths of fire should do fine. Take out the seasoned knight and carefully remove all armor and set aside. Stomp the knight thoroughly, until very flat. Then turn it over and stomp again. This will take about 4-5 turns to get it into a fine mash. Take the onions, tear into shreds and mix with the mashed knight. The onions add a bit of flavor and also cut that unpleasant odor of knights. Salt and pepper to taste. Take small portions of the knight mixture, roll into patties and set the patties onto the dough. Carefully, wrap the dough around the mixture making sure all the edges are sealed well. Set several knishes in the kiln and blow three hot fire breaths all around the kiln making sure of an even heating.

Cooking time: Approximately 45 min.

When the knishes are a golden brown remove from the kiln and garnish with silvers of armor.

Yields 4 knishes.

A meal fit for the finest King or Queen Dragon anywhere!

A CLOSER LOOK: MOANING MINNIES
by Elin

For my entire Fed life I have heard players moan about the game being "broken", and about how there was nothing for them to do. These complaints always evoke vivid childhood memories of rainy Saturdays, when my mother would threaten to "find" something for us to do. The drudgery she would assign invariably made doing nothing look awfully good, and in retrospect I am quite sure this was the point.

Oh, is a that a gleam you see in my eye?

A new Duke, recently returned to the game, now that it has been "fixed", complains that no-one wants to join his duchy. The conventional wisdom that we are all alts is put to the test, as it appears that, if we are alts, we are not alts of people he knew when he was playing. Suggestions that he approach this player or that player are rejected. This one is an alt, that one is still a JP - although unlikely as a DDed PO to remain a JP for long, still another player is too controversial. When last seen, this Duke was still feeling somewhat slighted and wondering what was wrong.

Still another player, out of the game for months, gets back in touch with old friends. Does he want to touch base? See how people are? You guessed it... he was wondering what they had heard about the Duke puzzle. Now, most of those who promoted did so with some help from others, so I don't belittle the man for asking. But most of those who promoted also helped in turn, whether by fetching pieces, or sharing information. This player did neither - he pumped his erstwhile friends for information, got what he needed to promote, and disappeared again. Come to think of it, this same player also loved to have help with his fire sales, but was never around for anyone else's.

Personally, I think Fed should accidentally lose the player files, and make us all start over. It would do the game a world of good. And maybe, they should assign us all a little mindless drudgery. Perhaps they could double the hauling requirements for Adventurer, or eliminate the option of selling to an exchange. It's just a thought.

A CLOSER LOOK: PASSIVE PLAYERS
by Elin

Maybe I have done my fellow Fedders an injustice in blaming television for the "why don't they make Fed more interesting" syndrome. It's passivity, said I. People aren't used to thinking anymore; they want their entertainment cut into bite-sized pieces and fed to them between commercial messages.

Then someone casually commented that they liked to write planets but that they supposed you had to have won a Walrus or a Carpenter before you would be allowed to write one for Scavenger hunts. Ah, not so, I replied, being familiar with the people who do this. Some of them have but most of them haven't. You have to be able to write a planet but it is at least as important to be reliable and to get it finished on time. Talk to Galin. Anyone who has seen your planet can tell that you can write.

The player seemed interested but unconvinced. I don't know if he ever raised the subject with Galin, who would have, I believe, been delighted to hear from him. Another player told me one night that he was very shy and felt isolated. He seemed unaware that Fed had events at all, much less that it was possible to become involved in making them happen, So... although the point has been made before, let me say it a different way.

Players often tell other players that Fed is what you make it. But maybe not everyone realizes how literally this is true. In addition to the Navigators we all met as Commanders and Captains, many players contribute either talent or effort to the game, whether by writing planets or writing Fedpardy questions or MCing the special events. And no, I have no comment on which it is that I contribute.

If you are lonely, bored or don't like the current events lineup... You don't need to be a paragon. Fed accepts volunteers who have not yet won an award for perfect planet or perfect diction. If you don't like the way things are going... Change them. You are just as capable as the next player, and possibly more interesting.

ONE PLAYER'S REPLY

Every so often I get a reply to an article that's been printed in the Chronicle. Most of the time I respond to them privately through email. However, this one caught my attention and I would like to share it with all of you.

I found myself terribly distressed with the "Closer Look" article published two weeks ago. A first glance it seemed to be an article just babbling on about the "old" days, but then, I took a "Closer Look" at that article.

As often as the proverbial "when I was young" Fed articles arise, we find ourselves relishing on the way the universe used to be. We find ourselves longing for the days of "Snerts" and "bounty hunters". We find ourselves longing for the way we enjoyed the hide-and-seek war games in the Arena battlefield.

So long ago, those of us that were around in the universe complained about "too many snerts", "too many fights", and "not enough Groundhogs" in the game. When you break this down, it makes no sense at all. Everyone (mostly) used to go about on "hunting" sprees, attempting to kill off all the snerts we could find, only to "show them" a lesson. Looking back, we find ourselves "proud" of what we did, yet, we still complain about not enough "newbies" in the game.

We all have complaints, grievances, and pet-peeves about the way today's universe is. We all have just as many compliments about how the game is now. Those of you who are new (relatively speaking) find yourselves on the short end of the "remember when" arguments and the "back in the days" remembrances. Let me give you one piece of advice/warning: Leave us old geezers alone and mind what we say. Quite often, we have much information, hints and tips to help you get as much out of the game as you can absorb.

Federation shouldn't be just an alternate universe to pass the time, it should be a place where you can explore, dream, create and demolish anything you can think of. But at the same time, do it in a way that you can actually learn how things, people and items should be exploited, respected and cloned to do your bidding. The way most of us isolate ourselves from the universe is pathetic and bad for the activity of this galaxy. I, for one, am the living example of the isolatedness that we find ourselves falling into (I often get lost in my own, one-room, office).

A while ago, I had suggested the resetting of the persona files, to allow us all the privilege of re-learning what it means to work for your rank and prestige. But, IB, decided against it as most all of the players would complain about how much "hard" work and "hard" earned money they spent on the game, would be for nothing, amongst some other concerns.

As for all the complaints we have about the game, how many people actually send them in to feedback, to be addressed? And of those that are, how many do you think actually have foundation to be addressed?

What it comes down to is this: Don't sit there and preach to us about how you want this galaxy to be run, instead, how about helping us get the galaxy the way we all want it to be run.

Truely,
Smurfy, Baron of Lilrascals

SHORTAGE OF FOOD CAUSES WORKTHINGIE DEATHS

Diminishing grain, meat and soya reserves have caused hundreds of deaths as whole duchies have run out of food, littering LPs and factories with workthingie corpses, a somber bespectabled economist announced this week at an emergency press conference called on the steps to Ming's palace.

Factories across Fed DataSpace ground to a halt as the already-acute worker shortage caused by sacrifices on the altar of promotion led first one economy then another to the brink of economic collapse.

There were unconfirmed reports of refugees making their way from the hinterlands of affected planets to their LPs, and attempting to crawl into the ships of business travelers as they land to trade, the economist said, though he referred all questions of safety to duchy police forces. 'These people are starving,' he said. 'I can't believe they pose a threat to anybody, but this is of course a matter for the individual security forces of the independent economic entities in question.'

Diesel refused comment on any supply problems that she might be having, pointing out that they were the concern of neither our newsdroid nor her competition. Our newsdroid, eyeing the baseball bat, agreed with alacrity, and fled to interview the very photogenic manager of the snack bar on Earth. 'Why honey,' she said, 'a shortage? I hadn't noticed, but that real nice man that came around... was his name Mario? He has been taking care of my deliveries, maybe you should ask him.'

'Naw, naw,' said the man lounging casually outside the casino on the moon. 'We don't got no supply problems, see, and we take care of the ones we get.' The newsdroid was careful to indicate that he did indeed see as he withdrew.

Ming was unavailable for comment, and the bespectacled man had disappeared without a trace into some inner office in uncharted bureaucratic territory.

RAMA BAR - FORGOTTEN REFUGE?

On a phoned in tip this reporter set out for the Bureau of Displaced Initiates of Palate Satisfiers to find two of the three-armed bartenders from the Rama Bar standing in line for a DIPS check. Following is my conversation with the former bartenders who are now just two more DIPS waiting for a handout.

'Hi, Federation Chronicle here', I waved my press badge in front of their noses. All four of them. 'What are you two doing here in the DIPS line?' One of them looked at me forlornly (Of course all the bartenders from the Rama look forlorn, and believe me, it's much scarier in broad daylight). 'We've been laid off, can you believe it? The Rama was one of the busiest places in DataSpace at one time. We were even hearing talk of expanding the place into nine bars not long ago! There was rumor that Diesel herself was financially involved.'

The silent one looked at me with three watery light-sensors. 'That was before all these Barons/Baronesses decided to try and become Dukes and Duchesses. Now the place is so dead we jump when a cockroach moves.' It sniffled from both its noses and wiped them with an appendage before continuing. 'So anyway, we got the word last week. The manager is thinking of shutting down two of the bars all together and she cut staff down by two thirds! We've got nowhere to go so we, the best bartenders in all DataSpace, end up in shame accepting a DIPS handout from Ming.'

The first bartender put one of its appendages around the other and consoled it. 'There there, we'll be back on top in no time. We'll keep applying in the full duchies, and who knows, once everyone is settled into Dukehood The Rama may fill again and management will be begging us to come back.' I nodded in agreement the entire time thinking 'Fat chance slime boy'. I know how management works. Why bring back bad habits when you can train someone fresh the way you want them? Not to mention pay them less.

I didn't let on to them what I was thinking but as they walked off into the first of several labyrinths leading deep into the bowels of DIPS, I got a chill from the cold glare the consoling bartender gave me as he led the other one into the building. I wouldn't swear to it, as it could have been its equivalent of a smile, but I think it read my thoughts. So anyway, any of you new Dukes or Duchesses in the market for a three-armed bartender?

Will people swarm back into Arena once the promoting fever is over? This reporter shall keep his ear close to the three-armed drink makers and keep you posted!

THE GOOD OLD DAYS
by Danny (contributed to by Piratesse, Byron, Slug, Raphael, and everyone else who was there but who I missed on my log)

You kids today, you've got it too easy. In my day we didn't have any fancy macros. We hauled by hand. 26 hours a day. But we didn't have ships, we had to hike. In the snow. And we had to carry the comods on our backs. All seven tons, that's all they let us haul was seven tons. And you know how much we got paid? A nickel a ton. That's 30 cents per trip. And you know what? We liked it!

But now you kids, you've got your macros and your alts. You're too tired to haul, you want someone else to do it for you. You make Squire after about three Stardates. You bicker and whine about your precious Duke puzzle. In our day we didn't even have a Duke puzzle. We didn't have a Trader puzzle! We didn't have any puzzles! We were stuck as Commanders forever! And you know what? We LIKED it!

Then there was the fighting in Sol! You may think it sounds good, but we didn't have SHIPS! When we took a missile we took it in the HEAD like a MAN! And if we wanted to fight back we threw our COMMODS! And they were 100 ig a ton! And we only made 30 cents per trip! We LOST money, then we STILL got a missile in the head! And we were LUCKY! And we were GLAD to get hospital gowns, because they blocked out some of the COLD! We were always COLD, we didn't even get VAC SUITS! When we wanted to go to Mars we held our BREATH!

And you kids today and your ale and pizza, when we were hungry we alt COAL! When Santa gave us coal we LIKED it! But he never did, because he was too busy HAULING! Uphill! In the SNOW! Without a SHIP or VAC SUIT! Uphill both ways! And the asteroids, don't even get me started on the asteroids! Most of us didn't even WALK! We CRAWLED! Because back then we didn't have LEGS! We held our BREATH without LEGS! While eating COAL! With SEVEN TONS of COMMODS on our BACKS! And we LIKED it! We were LUCKY!

And don't even get me STARTED on our sleeping conditions! We didn't get SLEEP! We got PUNTED! And we LIKED it! We ASKED to be punted! And for the few of us who got sleep, it wasn't on any fancy BED like you kids now. It was on a SPACEPORT! An ACTIVE spaceport! Ships landed right ON us! And we LIKED it! We said, "PLEASE! Let us sleep on a COLD spaceport! Let ships LAND on us like we were PARKING STALLS!"

But you kids today, you wouldn't understand. You have your ships with your beds. You gets to haul hundreds of tons. You have your duchies and your money. But nowadays everyone has money. Even I have money. But you kids, you got it too fast. Before you knew how to use it. But just wait, someday you'll see new kids running around getting duchies on their first days, then you'll be just like us...but you never had to haul UPHILL! In the SNOW! But I know there are more of us still out there, so if you have a story send it to me at Danny_W@go.com ... at least you get to be heard. In my day Ming sewed our mouths shut...heh! I'm not done yet! Wait! In my day we nev...

HOW BARONS REALLY MAKE THE BIG GROATS
by JediMills Keeper of the Jedi Hamsters and Supporter of the SuperGroundHog Rank

For a Baron (which I am so far from) the Duke puzzle is a costly one due to rising insurance premiums, bribing for new lower insurance premiums, and the commods for their various facilities. What most Barons won't tell you is how they get that extra money.

Over the next few weeks, you too can use these techniques to gain riches.

1. Workthingie Products.
In itself, a workthingie is a product. You can make more, and they are victims to your planet exchange. Workthingies are the most useful "thingie" since the "give me <groats>" command. WTs are used as test subjects for puzzles, ingredients in rocket fuel, and sometimes are stacked together to form warehouses. Besides, do you think the health build is just to make your planet heavier?

2. Location Rental
If someone tells you that the only location that can make money on your planet is the exchange then they lied to you. Poor people are notoriously good at wast… err… I mean investing their groats as soon as their new rank pays them well. If you don't have a creative bone in your body then this plan is for you. Slapping a "Office" or "Apartment" sign on a location will inspire any doubtful poor person to invest 10 to 20 megs for his or her own personalized location making you rich and the poor person feeling like they've been to Slarti's.

Technique 3 and 4 coming soon.

RAP MASTER ICE

Yo yo yo
Slap my fro
It's time for planets
With Icedrake bro

He's stylin' and cool
He's rappin' up a storm
So if you see the drool
That's just the norm

Some say this rap stinks
It's crude and lame
But Icedrake thinks
That he doesn't care because rhyme and meter suck and he'll eat your planet anyway.

So there.