 THE MONTH IN BRIEF
The month of March kicked off with
launch of the new event leagues. In more event news,
plans were made for the annual Easter events, and for an
April Fool's Day planet.
Meanwhile, players laid their plans
for Spring Fed Meets all over the country.
A hardware problem caused outages
to our site on two consecutive Thursday nights.
Alsatian published his first planet
review, and awarded the first Carpenter award to
Whirlwind for his planet Tempest.
FROM
THE POST-BAG: REMOTE PAINTING
An enquiring player writes to ask:
"How can one paint ones
ship remotely?"
Leaving aside sarcastic comments
about using a very long paintbrush, the answer is that
you don't actually do the painting yourself. That would
be far too much like hard work. I mean, can you imagine
the average Fedder physically splashing paint onto his,
her or its ship personally? What a ludicrous idea.
No, that's what we have droids for.
Your instruction is relayed, using your comm unit, to the
design shop which is a part of the local shipyard, and a
droid is immediately despatched to do the job. This small
droid has long, spidery legs that enable it to clamber
onto all parts of the ship with ease. Its body is made up
of a number of small reservoirs containing concentrated
paint in many different colors, and a large reservoir of
the solvent which is used to dilute that concentrated
color. It has two arms that have nozzle attachments,
which spray the paint onto the ship in the desired
volume, from a fine mist to a hard jet. It has two
additional arms which are used as necessary to attach
other items to the ship, such as fabric, lights and other
electronics, decorative studs and rivets, or whatever
other substances the more bizarre denizens of Fed
DataSpace request.
And before anyone asks how come you
can look at the paint job on other people's ships without
actually walking to the LP, it's because your comm unit
connects you to your ship, and your ship can look at any
other ship parked close by, and therefore you can examine
any ship on the same LP as yours. That's technology for
you.
ALIENS
STOLE MY PENCIL
With countless millions in
dataspace relying on the newsdroids for accurate, up to
the minute information, it was no surprise to find one in
CDs inquiring into Pintomike's complaint of a missing
pencil.
According to Pintomike, he was
peacefully sitting in CDs the other night, having a pint
of Diesel's Old Peculiar, when his attention wandered off
in contemplation of the correct proportions of spices for
a proper curry. The next thing he knew, he was brought
rudely back to consciousness and was stunned to find his
cherished pencil missing. He claims he caught a glimpse
of the Demi-Goddess Hazed snickering as she slipped out
the back door of CDs and a moment later realized not only
was his pencil missing but someone had used it to draw a
pair of spectacles on his noble visage! What shock! What
horror! What outrage! The perpetrator must be found and
punished and the beloved pencil returned. To this end,
Pintomike filed a formal complaint with the Galactic
Administration.
A newsdroid from the Federation
Chronicle was quickly dispatched to Chez Diesel (Social
Center of the Solar System) and interviewed all the
regulars present at Chez Diesel:
"I don't have any pencils.
I claim it's because I never make mistakes, but
really it's because the mistakes I make are so
spectacularly huge, an eraser won't fix them.",
says Nightdroid.
Barb says, "I blame the recent rash of pencil
snatching on aliens"
Nightdroid says, "I think it's more a case of
abduction than outright theft."
"I have the headline: Aliens Stole my
Pencil", says Hazed.
"They probably turn up in some farmer's field
after a week.", says Nightdroid.
Abiqu smiles, "aren't they the pencils that
crash landed near Roswell?"
"That's just what the Aliens want you to
think.", says Nightdroid.
"what kind of pencil did aliens take
hazed?", asks Abiqu.
Nightdroid says, "HB."
"It was Pintomike's pencil. At least, I say it
was aliens, and who would dare to contradict
me?", asks Hazed.
"I mean, it is absurd to imagine that I might
have taken it myself, for any reason. Why would
I?", asks Hazed.
Hazed fiddles with something in her pocket.
Hazed says, "If I wanted a pencil I would simply
snap my fingers, and one of my acolytes would fetch
me one."
Stop Press: The Galactic
Administration has completed its investigation and found
no evidence that the pencil ever even existed, let alone
went missing. Latest rumors have it that the Galactic
Administration is considering preparing a case against
Pintomike on the grounds of fraudulent claims.
THE
PENCIL REDUX
In a startling legal development of
the Case of the Missing Pencil, the Demi-Goddess Hazed
personally served an Imperial Cease and Desist order on
Pintomike yesterday demanding that he refrain from
accusing her of stealing his cherished pencil.
Luckily for Fed Chronicle readers,
your loyal Newsdroid was on the scene to capture the
following:
Hazed hands Pintomike a very
official-looking document, then stands back with
folded arms, looking smug
Pintomike opens said document.
Pintomike reads a little, and rubs his chin.
Pintomike asks, "Now see here, what does this
"cease and desist" part mean?"
Hazed looks as if she wants to go "nyah nyah
nyah" but is afraid it wouldn't be dignified
Pintomike stares.
"Goodness, don't you have a dictionary?
"Cease" means stop, and "Desist"
means stop, so it means STOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!",
exclaims Hazed.
Pintomike notes the document does not specify what to
cease and desist from.
Hazed says, "Of course, it's all wrapped up in
fancy lawyer talk, but the gist of it is: I did not
steal your pencil, and you must stop accusing me of
it"
"On that note, I will gladly cease and desist
from torturing the poor marsrat... he gave me one too
many nasty nips anyways.", says Pintomike
"I understand that Students Against Pencil
Snatching (SAPS) have taken it up as a cause",
Barb says.
Pintomike says, "Without my incitement, I might
add."
"What? You mean you are masterminding a criminal
conspiracy against me?", asks Hazed.
Pintomike says, "Even the bureaucrats are behind
me on this one... everyone understands the need for a
good pencil."
Pintomike exclaims, "I am doing no such
thing!"
Hazed exclaims, "Infamy! Infamy! They've all got
it in for me!"
"I think it's called Deep Pockets", Barb
says.
Pintomike snaps a finger and an Intellect lawyer runs
to his side, "Run this through "The
Process", come back to me with a reply within
the day."
"I doubt anyone can find my pockets with this
posture, let alone measure their depth", says
Hazed.
Pintomike watches as the lawyer runs off.
"At least Barb is on my side, aren't you
darling?", asks Hazed.
"I hope you realize my brother, Filbert, is an
expert lawyer, Hazed. He will see these documents if
you decide to continue your path of oppression and
lying...", says Pintomike.
Hazed asks, "What? You are accusing me of more
things now?"
Barb pulls out her reporters notepad
"The News is always neutral", Barb says.
Pintomike exclaims, "I accuse you of trying to
hide the truth! All I want is the truth, damn it, and
I want it now!"
"How can you say I an oppressive. Why, I am the
sweetest, kindest, gentlest, wonderfulest
demi-goddess there has ever been", says Hazed.
Barb considers actually finally using a new joke in
the News
Pintomike says, "Being as you are the *only*
Demi-Goddess that has ever graced this universe, such
an assessment might be hard to judge, dear
Hazed."
Hazed asks, "Ah, but what is truth?"
Hazed says, "As a demi-goddess, whatever I say
is true."
"If I say there is no Easter Bunny then it's
true!", exclaims Hazed.
"oh no, the Easter Bunny is also missing?",
Barb asks.
"He doesn't exist. He's completely
fictional.", says Hazed.
"hmm is that related? A string of seemingly
unrelated but ominous disappearances", Barb
says.
"What do you have to say about the crop circles
and ley lines in the shape of a pencil on the plains
of mars, eh?", asks Barb.
Pintomike exclaims, "I challenge that authority
under Code 24391 of the 534th Edict of Ming, which
states that no one has the authority to claim
everything one says to be the truth, except for
him!"
"Code... erm... which?", asks Hazed.
Hazed gets out her rule book.
Pintomike exclaims, "I accuse you of killing the
Easter Bunny with my pencil and covering both of them
up!"
Pintomike looks triumphant. "I have you
now."
Hazed asks, "Is that the rule that says all
left-handed dock workers must be called Brian?"
"No, the one after that...", says
Pintomike.
Pintomike drags out his copy of the rule book.
Hazed runs her finger down the page.
The Workthingie has just arrived.
Hazed says, "Ah. That one."
"It was him!", exclaims Hazed.
Hazed points to the workthingie
"He did it! I saw him.", says Hazed.
"I demand that he be searched for
evidence.", says Hazed.
Pintomike says, "How dare you accuse my
Workthingie of such a crime! I beat him regularly to
make sure he would not be mentally able to do such a
thing without breaking down and confessing it to
me."
Hazed slips something into the Workthingie's pocket,
hoping nobody sees.
"Search him, go on.", says Hazed.
Pintomike calls out a technician who's been hiding in
the shadows, whispers something, and looks smug as
the technician runs off to the room labeled,
"Video Surveillance"...
Pintomike searches his workthingie...
Pintomike pulls his pencil out of the pocket of the
workthingie, just as the technician comes back
grinning, video tape in hand.
The Workthingie has just left.
"He's getting away! Stop him.", says Hazed.
Hazed says, "See, I told you it was him"
Hazed looks triumphant.
Hazed asks, "Well?"
Pintomike says, "I am going to submit so called
pencil as exhibit A... to be analyzed for further
fingerprints."
Hazed says, "Fingerprints? Err. Oh."
Pintomike says, "Analysis of this video tape
should provide a completely different story."
Hazed says, "Video tape? Umm."
Pintomike grins and waves at the camera over Hazed's
shoulder.
"You haven't heard the last of this. I shall
bring down the full weight of the law to prove your
guilt in this matter.", says Hazed.
"You see if I don't!", exclaims Hazed.
Pintomike smiles broadly as his lawyer comes back,
wielding a document.
"And your little dog too!", exclaims Hazed.
Pintomike, in an exclusive
interview confirmed that "The Bureaucrats United
Towards Totalitarian Supremacy (B.U.T.T.S.) have
indicated the urgency of this issue, stating that
"such a crime against an aspiring dictator [sic] is
unacceptable. This attempt to dismantle a notorious
figurehead will not be "tolerated".
In related developments, students
demonstating in front of the local Galactic
Administration Centre were stunned at the news of the
Cease and Desist Order. The Students Against Pencil
Snatching (SAPS) representative said that while they
understood the gravity of the order they would still
maintain their support for the embattled Pintomike.
Meanwhile, at the Earth spaceport,
the Interstellar Ship and Dockworkers Union shop steward
announced they would call a by the book work action and
refuse all milkruns in support of pencil pushers
everywhere. They also demanded an end to the rule that
says all left-handed dock workers must be called Brian,
and further insisted that the Fed Chronicle finally use a
new joke.
No comment could be elicited from
the Fed Meteorologist as the post has been vacant for
over a decade due to the lack of weather in Fed.
No explanation has been ventured
yet for the sudden appearance all over Fed DataSpace of
crop circles in the shape of giant pencils.
FROM
THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL
Many parents are driven insane by
children constantly asking questions, most of them
unanswerable. As a demi-goddess I am in a similar
position, with supplicants bombarding me with questions
about why things are the way they are in the universe
that makes up Fed DataSpace.
I have tried foisting them off onto
Bella. After all, she made the universe, she ought to be
able to answer all these questions, but she just shrugs
vaguely. So it is left to me to dig out the knowledge
requested, and answer all the questions, no matter how
trivial they are.
Take this letter that fetched up in
the H-by-A office this week. "How," the
supplicant wanted to know, "Can one travel without a
comm unit?"
What a foolish question! The only
person who would wonder about such a thing is obviously
someone who habitually finds him, her or itself without a
comm unit and without a ship at the same time, which
strikes me as extreme carelessness.
Still, it's my duty to answer. So
let's take a look at what happens when you travel:
Using your comm unit, you book
your ticket, and pay the 10,000 IG fare. Hurrying to
the spaceport you board a luxury liner, and are
whisked off to your destination...
Of course, it uses the word
"your" very loosely. If you have, for some
reason, been deprived of your own personal comm unit then
there are plenty of public comm facilities dotted around
the Galaxy, so it's possible to book a ticket on a liner
from just about anywhere.
No problem.
FROM
THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL, PART II
Last week I answered one of the
many trivial questions that get hurled my way by
inquisitive players, by telling you that the reason you
could call for a liner to transport you when you didn't
have a comm unit, was that you could use a public comm
facility.
The ink was hardly dry on that
edition of the Fed Chronicle, when I was hailed by a
familiar, whining voice. "Yes, but why..." it
began. I groaned, and wondered whether I could pretend
not to have heard. But a tugging at my sleeve prevented
me from making a getaway, and a lingering sense of duty
(not to mention a fear of someone with a paintbox
wandering past) stopped me from pretending to be AFK.
I was forced to pay attention.
"But why, if there are those public comm facilities,
can we only use them for travelling?" asked that
inquisitor.
"Because I said so," was
the answer that immediately found its way to my
demi-divine lips, but I didn't think that was quite
appropriate under the circumstances. So I was forced to
actually sit down and write out an explanation that even
this idiot could understand.
And here it is.
The Galactic Administration works
on the assumption that everybody has a comm unit of their
own. If they don't have one, it must either be through
carelessness - they lost it or broke it, in which case
it's their responsibility to buy a new one - or misuse -
they did something to get it taken away from them. It
therefore sees no reason to allow people to use the
public comm facilities to repeat whatever offence they
committed which caused them to lose their own personal
unit.
Those public comm machines are
meant for emergencies only. They'll call you a cab, or
they'll call the emergency services if they are needed,
but that's all. They won't let ET phone home, or you TB
your friends.
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