Web Fed News Yearbooks - November 2000

SOL EXPOSE: STAT SHOPS

At long last, it's the return of the Sol Expose, since I just realised there are one or two little items I haven't yet explained.

This week, the background to four locations for which I take sole responsibility: the stat shops on Earth. Let's take a look at them:

Insta-Lern Fact-O-Rama University
If you haven't got the patience for the tedious repetition usually required to memorize facts, or you're no good at studying for exams, or you're too busy to read books in order to improve your knowledge, this is the place for you! For just a small fee, the University's highly trained staff will inject the knowledge of your choice directly into your brain.
The exit is east.

Pamper-U Health Farm
The attendants of this establishment stand ready to soothe and relax you, bringing tone back to tired skin, removing the poisons that build up in the body, and returning that youthful vigor to patrons from all species. A special treatment will wipe away the stress caused by the fast pace of modern society, leaving you with a clear head and a firm, decisive grasp on your life.
The exit is north.

Battle Creek Sanitarium
Patients visit the Sanitarium from all over the Galaxy, to have their general health improved by the good Doctor's miraculous methods - for a price, of course. They leave in glowing health, walking advertisements for the success of his purging machines and dietary regimes.
Posters on the wall urge you to eat more breakfast cereal.
The exit is west.

Feelda Burne's Aerobics and Workout Classes
You are surrounded by people in brightly colored leotards and jogging suits, sweating and grunting as they fling themselves through a tough regimen of exercise designed to convert flabby bodies to gleaming muscle.
Ms Burne also offers a fast-track program for those for whom time is money; if you can afford it, her drugs will make you fit instantly!
The exit is northwest.

There is a story behind three out of four of the descriptions of the stat shops, and it comes from a book I was reading at the time I was asked to write the locations. The book is by popular travel writer Bill Bryson, and it's called Made in America. Unlike his other best-sellers, this book is not a travel book or a description of a journey. Instead it's an exploration of how America has changed over time - its language, its culture and its society - and what brought those changes about. If that sounds a bit scholarly, it's not - it's fascinating and entertaining.

Read more about the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380713810/ibgames

At the exact time that I sat down to write the descriptions for the stat shops, I had just finished reading a chapter in Bryson's book about advertising slogans and product names. He explains that the thirties "heralded the beginning of American business's strange and long-standing infatuation with illiterate spellings..." He gives examples such as Reddi-Wip and Tastee-Freez, as well as the use of U in While-U-Wait. And thus the names of two of the stat shops were born - Insta-Lern Fact-O-Rama University and Pamper-U Health Farm.

The third stat shop also crawled into my brain from out of the pages of Made in America. Battle Creek Sanitorium was the establishment of Dr John Harvey Kellogg, he of cornflakes fame, who by all accounts was something of a cornflake himself. He invented all kinds of wacky health regimes which he administered to patients, and his treatments became astonishingly popular.

As the book says, "Patients who were underweight were confined to their beds with sandbags on their abdomens and forced to eat up to twenty-six meals a day. They were not permitted any physical exertion. Even their teeth were brushed by an attendant lest they needlessly expend a calorie." Kellogg also wrote long tracts against such evil activities as meat-eating and masturbation. (I will leave you, the reader, to think up your own crude joke about a link between the two.)

Such a bizarre establishment as Battle Creek Sanitorium seemed to me to cry out to be put into the bizarre world of Fed, so it became a stat shop.

The last stat shop, Feelda Burne's Aerobics and Workout Classes, I admit was a product of my fevered imagination and cannot be blamed on anyone else. Just put it down to my hatred of all forms of exercise.

If there's any subjects you'd like covered in Sol Expose, write to feedback@ibgames.com.

HOLOGRAM ENCRYPTION BROKEN: COMPANY SUES

The biggest legal battle the Galaxy's entertainment industry has seen since actrons replaced human actors in low-budget productions is about to start, as the might of the entertainment mega-corporations takes on a bunch of scruffy students from the University of Cappella. The dispute is all about the restrictions on holograms.

Hologram companies (or HoloCos) release their product with special encryption that means the holo can only be played in the duchy for which it is intended. The companies claim this simplifies marketing strategies, and helps the fight against piracy. But consumers have always been against the area coding of holos, because of the difficulties when POs switch to a new duchy, and have to replace their entire collection.

Now the students have found a way to make all holos playable on equipment from any duchy, using a simply software patch. They've published details on the OuterNet, and other sites have picked it up and spread it across the Galaxy.

The mega-corps are not amused. They are seeking an injunction to make it illegal to publish details of the encryption and how to get around it, and what's more, they want to fine anyone in possession of a holo which has been illegally tampered with.

Needless to say, lawyers from the duchy of Hollywood are rubbing their hands with glee over this one!

LANDSLIDE VICTORY IN MAYOR OF MARS ELECTIONS

(Mars - 211774:203) Latest exit polls projecting a landslide victory that would push Arrogant back into the Mayoral seat of Mars were confirmed today with the posting of the official vote count in this week's general election.

When questioned about the unusual nature of the election returns, Officials stated that all votes had been cast under the supervision of bicameral minders, counted by machine and recounted by hand (or equivalent). Election officials said 100% of those eligible to vote cast votes in this election. The unprecedented turnout was considered to be a tribute to the Mayor's popularity with the electorate. The final tally was 1-0 in Arrogant's favour.

Icedrake, self-appointed spokesdrake for Arrogant, said in a prepared statement, "Victory is ours, now be prepared to pay through the nose you losers". Cen, representing the Unnamed Special Interests Consortium, said he was relieved that he wouldn't have to rewrite his resume and face job interviews again for 4 more years. Nightdroid commented that the election results would improve the air conditioning levels at CDs as the hot air produced there could be expected to decrease rapidly and that he would be sponsoring the new Tour de Fed bicycle race in the near future.

The Committee of Dukes for Social Responsibility claimed the long and costly campaign wasted more money than is spent on children's education in all Fed DataSpace. In an obviously subjective partisan view, Olias pointed out that no funds at all were spent on children's education in Fed DataSpace and stated that he was preparing a white paper on the benefits of Tuba instruction in early childhood education.

A squire who shall remain nameless, and whose Hawaiian shirts shall not be commented upon, said he was pleased at the re-election of Arrogant and denied that he was a paid political toady... err spokesperson.

A Shadow Klingon Pressure Group said it would be considering whether to file an amicus curia brief protesting the election results. They admitted to being in somewhat of a quandary as some of their membership felt that Klingons were simply not believable as friendly. They complained that the lack of an opposition candidate was unfair as it rendered any protests moot and pointless. An unnamed source within the group admitted that most of what Klingons did was pointless but that that was besides the point; they supported the right of an opposition candidate to protest the election results if there was an opposition candidate.

In his victory speech to the populace of DataSpace, Arrogant said he would continue his crusade for better grammar, inverted Vikings and black seamed stockings for every woman (or equivalent) in Fed.

ALIENS APOLOGISE FOR ABDUCTIONS

In a historic announcement, Fnargle Spleenzorg of the alien race known simply as the Greys apologised for the distress caused by his ancestors in abducting members of other species for purposes of research.

"We deeply regret the actions carrying out by our foreparents," he said. "We now accept that the abductions and experiments induced trauma in the subjects."

He explained that the policy of previous regimes on his planet had been to investigate the development of societies that had not yet achieved interstellar travel, by seizing solitary adults, beaming them up to spaceships, and subjecting them to various scientific procedures in order to expand knowledge. The feelings of the people being experimented on had not been taken into account. "At the time, it was felt that our race was so far above all others that their distress was of no importance," he said in shame. "The pursuit of knowledge was deemed an important enough end to justify the means."

Spleenzorg admitted that some of the experiments had involved implanting alien devices into the subjects so that they could be monitored once they were returned to their native planets. However, he denied the persistent stories that are found on many different planets about aliens abducting women for sexual purposes. "That was never part of our policy," he said. "I cannot imagine any of our dedicated scientists would ever have indulged in such perverted behaviour. That must have been some other alien race."

In a closing statement, he did admit that junior members of the ship's crews occasionally committed pranks, such as making intricate designs in fields full of plants.

ABDUCTORS SUED

Following an admission of responsibility by the Greys for abductions of Earthlings in the past, the law firm of Gorklin, Zlixnord and Smith, PLLC based in Los Angeles on the planet Earth, has filed a lawsuit seeking compensatory and punative damages against this alien race on behalf of the estates of several abduction victims.

Rexlard Zorklin, a partner in the firm, stated that the firm will seek to have the lawsuit certified as a class action on behalf of the entire population of the planet Earth. "We feel that every human being on this planet has had their galactic rights violated by the 'scientific' experiments of these arrogant intruders," commented Zorklin in a brief press conference.

When asked whether the Greys could be held responsible for the actions of their ancestors, Zorklin stated that his firm felt there was no statute of limitations of the kind of widespread, systematic abuse of the Earth populace that occured in the past at the hands of the Greys.

Terrence O'Donnel, a galactic law professor at Mars University, in an interview with Intergalatic News, stated that this particular sort of lawsuit has never been tested in the courts and its merits are unclear. "Although the estates of deceased injured parties have sucessfully sued, we've never seen a case where the injuries went so far back." The uniqueness of this case stems from the secrecy surrounding the abductions and the Grey's silence on the matter for several centuries.

O'Donnel said he intended to follow this case closely, as he expected the case itself to take several years to work its way through the courts and might end up being decided by the Galactic Supreme Court.