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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate May 2001 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate May 2001 |
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OFFICIAL
NEWS |
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This is the story of the poor little Baron, and what happened when he forgot who his friends had been. Once upon a time there was a poor little Baron. Like many people, the Baron had a circle of close friends in Fed DataSpace, and he swapped account details with them all. From time to time, they would use each others accounts, for various reasons. Then one day, the poor little Baron had a falling out with one of his friends. Instead of being friends, the two of them became bitter enemies instead. How sad. Still, the poor little Baron went on with his baronial life, hauling cargo, building builds, and tried to forget about the friend who became his enemy. Unfortunately, the poor little Baron forgot that the friend who became his enemy had his password. And one day, the friend who became the enemy used that password to log on and DD the poor little Baron. The poor little Baron became a poor little Groundhog. How sad. And the moral of the story? If you don't change your password every few months, somebody that you've forgotten you once gave it to can wreak havoc!
SENATE
CONSIDERS ANTI-PLANETOID DEFENSE The threat posed by rogue systems was at the top of the Senate's agenda on Tuesday as lawmakers debated a proposal to develop a space-based system to deflect or shoot down asteroids and planetoids hurled at defenseless planets. Although militant nations have been constructing planetoids to hurl at one another for several decades now, there has been a sharp increase in the number of governments embarking on this research and a disturbing shift towards development by the less-friendly nations of the galaxy. Senator Larry Taylor, speaking before the Senate, quoted a security bulletin that outlined the various governments and factions believed to have developed so-called planetoid catapult technology. "We suddenly find that such unstable factions as the Nihilist Front on Deneb IV, the militant Mars First movement, and the recently-elected Kill Everyone faction on Rigel VII have acquired the ability to toss planetoids at any of our defenseless planets on a whim," lamented Taylor. "We must act now to develop and deploy a system to intercept these celestial slingshots before they obliterate an entire world," he concluded. The bill before the Senate would allocate some 8 billion giga-groats over the next two years for research and proof-of-concept work, with an additional 15 billion giga-groats allocated for the Ministry of Defense to award to a contractor to build the first defensive system. Applied Field Mechanics, Inc and Quantum Blaster Corp, have already announced research programs geared towards the proposed system. Several interception systems have been proposed in the past, and most have been dismissed as unfeasible. Experiments which used comet capture and re-direction proved too prone to misses, and the use of large quantities of high explosives to either break up or divert the projectiles was unreliable and expensive. Recent research has focused on using large, space-based field generators to curve space in front of the projectiles, thus redirecting them. The major drawback of this system is the number and position of the generators. A matrix of dozens of generators must be precisely positioned in relation to the projectile and engaged simultaneously. Misplacement by as little as a meter could send the target hurtling at greatly increased velocity towards its original target or another planet. Add to this, the fact that projectile and generators will be hurtling through space at hundreds of meters per second. Even aggressive estimates predict the system will take at least 4 years to develop and perhaps as many as 10 years to fully deploy. Until then, the risk of a militant faction tossing something the size of Earth's moon at a defenseless planet remains and all we can do is hope it doesn't happen.
HELL
FREEZES OVER, UNIVERSE HOLDS BREATH According to meteorological reports from Hades, the domain of the damned has experienced an unprecedented and highly improbable hard freeze. A spokesdemon for the Prince of Darkness refused to answer direct questions about the rumor, but was seen donning a parka before getting in his stretch limo to return to Hell. Independent eyewitness reports from Hell reported temperatures of 60 degrees below zero Celsius and snowfall in excess of 4 feet in areas. Speculation about what may have caused this phenomenon ranges from universal expansion which has caused cooling across the galaxy to a demonic El Nino effect. Regardless of the cause, the sub-zero temperatures in Hell have turned the universe on its ear. Virtually all work in the galaxy came to a halt when the rumor of Hell's condition spread, as employees across the universe awaited long-overdue raises and promotions and their bosses awaiting the arrival of their heretofore absent guilt and morals. Jilted and snubbed lovers prepared for the return of unlikely companions, and nearly everyone is expecting numerous sincere apologies from friends and enemies alike. On the political scene, Ming is considering a move to re-take the Emperor's post and in what analysts are branding a far-fetched scheme even in this unusual probability climate, scientists are working to clone Richard Nixon for entry in this year's 'Image Awards'. Meanwhile, Morley Houseburden, a spokesman for The Meek, said the 4 billion members of his organization are taking this as a sign that their inheritance of the Earth is due. "We have waited a long time for some sign that our long-awaited reward was coming and we believe this might be it," stated Houseburden after a long period of verbal prodding. Oddsmakers across the galaxy are also at a loss, as a snowball's chance in Hell just skyrocketed and bets on every long shot from a '57 Imperial with a broken twin laser in the Cup of Fearlessness to a long-neglected odds line on Danny ever leaving CDs are collecting huge wagers at both legal and illicit betting parlors. Corporate marketers are taking advantage of this turn of events to consider campaigns previously scrapped. The much-maligned Deadly Cola product launch is being pushed up, as is the development of 'I Can't Believe its not an Appendectomy!'. The release of a really comfortable pair of men's underwear that also provides support is still considered an 'unlikely and remote possibility', according to sources at Anti-matter Boxer and Brief company. It's unclear how long before Hades thaws and whether this change of weather is affecting other areas of the universe. Inquiries to Heaven about the weather were only met with the comment that it was 'unseasonably warm' there. Several climatologists are prepared to examine the situation in Hades, should officials there decide to officially disclose the situation and ask for help. Until then, we are left to wonder what is going to happen next and what we will do when the need for hyperbole about the unlikely strikes us.
CONSEQUENCES OF HADES COLD SNAP Dear Great Demi-Goddess, A long time ago, my organization of MacnBrelly Productions (producers of such fine Fed games as Who Wants to be a Billionaire and Federation Survivor) were asked the question of when we were going to do a version of Temptation Island for Federation. My response was "when Hell freezes over." According to the Federation Chronicle dated Sunday, May the 13, this has now happened. Of course, I never intended to produce a version of Temptation Island for Federation, and I still don't. Your publication and its newsdroids have put me in quite a spot here, and I demand compensation for all of the false advertising lawsuits that my organization is going to have to deal with. If news of the solidification of Hades had been repressed from the start, none of this would ever have happened! Therefore, I am holding the Federation Chronicle, its writers, its editors, and the DataSpace Weather Service responsible for any further losses that my organization sustains because of this event. On another note, MacnBrelly Productions is considering revising its former statement to "We will produce a version of Temptation Island for Federation when there is a new joke in the Idiot's Guide to Federation."
'EARTHMAN'
CREATURES ABDUCT ALIENS Reports of aliens abducted by some kind of semi-human creatures have increased dramatically in the last six months. A band of these creatures has reportedly begun terrorizing other-worlders. Several shocked victims have reported being abducted, experimented upon and then returned to their own planets. An eyewitness to an alleged abduction who wished to remain anonymous, said that he saw a large, dirty ship, with over-sized landing gear set down in the middle of a park near his home. The pilots of the ship flooded out, shouting and waving brown semi-transparent weapons of some sort in the air. They corralled a few locals and then flew away. Some of those who have been abducted report being forced to view strange human 'futbahl' ceremonies on the vidi, while the humans scream and chant around them. Then victims are coerced into consuming a foul-tasting brown substance that erases their memories. During these periods of lost memory, many victims have had symbols inscribed on their bodies, ranging from poorly-spelled profanities to elaborate ritual symbols of some sort. Most victims are found the next day, shocked, dehydrated, and smelling like old socks. Some witnesses have reported the creatures possess super-human bulk, and frequently spit when talking. The exact nature and origin of these abductors is unknown, but they are suspected to hail from Earth. Dr Charles Gordon, from the Martian Institute for Study of the Paranormal, said of the phenomenon, "I think this is all a case of mass hysteria, a bunch of aliens go out on a bender and make up fantastic stories about strange 'Earthman' creatures, it all smells like a hoax to me." Gordon concluded, "I believe that, as with most cases of mass hysteria, this one will subside within a few weeks." In the meantime, aliens across the galaxy are watching the skies with a wary eye, hoping they are not the next victim of the mysterious 'Earthmen'.
ICEDRAKE THE LONG-DISTANCE RUNNER Icedrake is in training. He's exercising, pumping iron, jogging and generally getting himself as fit as possible. Why? Because he wants to run a marathon. But surely, being a winged creature, he has an unfair advantage over other runners; if his legs get tired he can simply flap his wings, get a bit of lift, and rest his aching tootsies. Actually, it's the player whose in training, not the insatiable beast. Greg McElhatton, who isn't a dragon in real life, intends to run in the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington DC on October 28. He will be running on behalf of an AIDS clinic, The Whitman-Walker Clinic, and he hopes to raise at least $2000. He has set up a web page where you can read reports of his training, which are entertaining, and you can pledge money to help him reach his target, which is very worthwhile. The web site is at http://www.marathongreg.com. So, Icedrake says, if he reaches his target of $2000, he won't eat the other runners...
REAL LIFE NEWS: OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE? Technology is a wonderful thing. Most of the time. But when it goes wrong, boy, can it cause problems! Maureen Shotton, from Whitley Bay in England had an experience that would be enough to turn her into a technology-hating luddite: she was trapped in a hi-tech toilet! The 51-year-old woman was on a shopping trip to Newcastle-upon-Tyne when she stopped to (insert suitable euphemism here). The maverick superloo, which boasts state-of-the-art electronic auto-flush and door sensors, refused to release her, and resisted all attempts by passers-by to force the door. Maureen was finally liberated when the fire brigade ripped off the roof. I wonder if she got given her money back?
Isn't technology wonderful? Not a day goes by, it seems, but some scientist somewhere comes up with an idea to make our lives so much easier. Here's a round-up of some of the technological advances that have caught my eye recently.
A student at Brunel University in London has invented a toaster that downloads weather forecasts from the Internet and browns your toast with an image of the sun, a cloud, or some rain, depending on conditions. Hmmm. What's more, he foresees a time when the toaster could burn emails into your bread. I suppose it would make disposing of confidential messages easy - just smear them with jam and chomp!
Have you ever got so mad at your computer, you just want to chuck it out? I know I have. Well, several companies have developed electronic paper technology - one firm is thinking about newspapers that update themselves overnight. MIT is rumoured to be experimenting with technology that prints circuitry onto paper, as simply as a laser printer does words. So, you could end up with a laptop that was amazingly light... and which you could screw up and throw in the trash can!
A Romanian inventor is publicising his new contribution to mobile commerce. He has developed a system where your mobile phone receives an alert if anyone heavier than your partner gets into your bed. This means you can trap unfaithful spouses, or at least phone them to get them to stop what they are doing. Vaslie Prisca knows his invention works. "I caught my wife in bed with my neighbour using this devce," he says. "I used it as evidence in the divorce court."
Police officers are going to love this invention. It's called the RADAR Flashlight, and it will enable them to see through doors as well as windows. The device can detect a human's presence through doors and walls up to 8 inches thick. The flashlight uses a narrow 16-degree radar beam and a specialized signal processor to detect movement, and even respiration, up to three metres behind a wall. It can even penetrate heavy clothing to spot breathing and movements of as little as a few millimeters. So hiding from the law is going to be much more difficult!
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