FASCINATING
FED FINDS
Cherry Sings the Blues
by Azurldy, Industrialist of AzureThis column is dedicated to finding fun and
fascinating things happening in Federation DataSpace -
whether they be outright funny or just plain peculiar!
One day last week, I was flying
about in my ship, visiting a friend, when I heard this
melancholy series of comms - and Cherrapunji was just
such a good singer and harmonica player - I have to
share.
Your comm unit crackles with a
message from Cherrapunji, "Can anyone here play
the harmonica?"
com No - I only play the piano:)
Your comm unit crackles with a message from
Cherrapunji, "Okay, I'll play the harmonica and
sing"
::plays harmonica:: I've got the blues..."
"The federation DataSpace blues... ::plays
harmonica::"
"Ain't got me a PO... ::plays harmonica:: oooh
I've got the blues... I've got the blues ::plays
harmonica::"
"They came and took my PW... ::plays harmonica::
had to have it locked... ::plays harmonica::"
"It ain't coming back anytime soooon... ::plays
harmonica:: PW changes just ain't happening..."
"I've got the blues... ohhhhhhhhhhh I've got the
blues ::plays harmonica::"
"Well now the planet is off line ::plays
harmonica:: and I don't have a duchy... ::plays
harmonica::"
"I'm just a sol hermit ::plays harmonica:: no
better than the rest..."
"Ohhhhhhhhh I've got the blues... the federation
DataSpace blues... ohhhhhh"
"I've got the blues ::plays harmonica::"
"Not making too many groats ::plays harmonica::
living in a sol sandbox..."
FASCINATING
FED FINDS
AFK Trading
by Azurldy, Industrialist of Azure
I loved this article from the
Gallery News by Soarintom and just had to share it with
you:
The Gallery Bureau of Economic
Research has just completed a study, which reportedly
proves that AFK trading programs are pointless. The
report is just as long and boring as every other
report ever produced by any Gallery bureau, and so
should probably never be read by anyone with a social
life. What it comes down to is this: If you work hard
enough and long enough, you will eventually have more
groats than you'll ever spend. If you do this
yourself, you will have made some friends along the
way (a priceless commodity). If you use a trading
macro, all you'll have is a couple of accounts with
really big numbers attached (a commodity with only as
much value as you assign to it). Obviously, someone
without a social life will probably read the report
and figure out what's wrong with it. Then, they will
check their AFK macro to see if it's still working.
This author chuckled when she read
this and went right back to socializing with her Fed
friends.
FASCINATING
FED FINDS
Road to Nowhere
by Azurldy, Technocrat of Azure, Finder of Fascinating
Fed Stuff
After maintenance the other day, I
entered Fed and found this series of posts on the message
board:
You stroll over to the notice board
and take a look at the messages displayed on it:
210768:552 - Buddykarl: we're
on the road to nowhere.....because I refuse to stop
and ask for directions!
210768:557 - Alura: I cant refold the damned map
210768:559 - Sinfein: Has Anyone seen the bridge?
Where is that confounded bridge?
210768:559 - Wally: Left!...NO!...I said turn
LEFT!....no wonder we are lost!
210768:561 - Mdcjm: You have the map upside down!
210768:562 - David: Wrong map!
210768:562 - Smokey: are we there yet?
210768:564 - Grabfoot: Er...um...anyone see a rest
stop? I gotta ...powder my nose :::blushes:::
210768:564 - Diamonds: I knew I should've gone before
we left the house..
210768:565 - Smurfy: daahhh, which way did he go,
which way did he go... ;P
210768:565 - Traumagod: We better pull over, I think
Im going to be sick
210768:566 - Timerider: The road to nowhere?! Can't
we just turn around and go somewhere?
210768:567 - Ladylynn: no dear, not that right, the
OTHER right!!!
210768:568 - Uniquette: wasn't that our turn back
there?
Writing our own Hitchhiker's Guide,
were we? At least there were some ladies along, so we
know that when they finally realized they were lost,
there was someone who would ask for directions!
ZARGOT'S
TECHNOCRAT PROBLEM
With the recent onslaught of
misdirected mnemonics that we informed you of last week,
the newsroom received a letter from the duke in question.
We have not been able to set a meeting with Duke Zargot
but this Newsbot is still on top of it. The letter is as
follows:
To: Director of Fed Mnemonics
From: Zargot, Duke of Zar
Subject: Mnemonics
It came to my attention
recently that my submission of a mnemonic listing the
ranks in Fed was reported as being inaccurate. The
Technocrat was included in my mnemonic and I would
like to set the record straight and put this rumor to
an end here and now. The mnemonic submitted was:
Groat Craziness Continues And
That Ming Just Gave Away Every Single THINGY I Beat
Twice Daily
You can clearly see that THINGY
represents the rank of Thane and Twice represents
Technocrat. I put at least 10 or 15 minutes of
thought into that mnemonic. Considering the current
mental health of most Dukes you need to realize that
10 or 15 minutes for a Duke to stay focused on one
topic is a very long time.
To have my mnemonic so
blatantly edited leaves me to believe only one thing.
That there exists a conspiracy of the highest order.
I hereby request an immediate investigation into this
issue. Please right this wrong before it spreads into
a much larger scandal. I will be looking forward to
your response.
Regards,
Zargot Duke of Zar
Since receiving this letter, I set
out to found out what is really going on in Zar. All
planet owners were nervous to talk to me. I assured them
all that their names would remain out of the News.
I happened upon a Squire and when I
asked how Zargot treated his techies his first response
was "very well". After a moment of looking over
his shoulder to make sure the suspicious duke wasn't
anywhere in sight and my promise to keep his identity
confidential, he changed his answer.
"I don't think I've seen
Indys in this duchy promote".
I was dumbfounded! After a few more
minutes of talk, this PO finally did remember one Tech in
the duchy, but also remembered not seeing Duke Zargot
talk to him until right before he promoted to Baron.
At this time the other POs of Zar
showed up and we met secretly on another planet. One that
just happened to be an Indy and getting ready to promote.
At first she tried to lay the blame on the Techs. Saying
they set this up as a conspiracy against her beloved
duke. Telling how two previous Techs were very
"motivated" to promote but had no good reason
as to why.
Finding one of the few Techs that
are actually in Zar, he admits to being ignored and that
Duke Zargot hasn't talked to him since his promotion. A
baroness also admits to overhearing Duke Zargot
mentioning the lack of motivation in Techs and not being
happy about it. She also supplied us with a copy of
"Tech Life in Zar and How to Press Past it
Quickly".
This investigation will need more
time to give you a clear picture of just what is
happening in Zar. I have yet to meet up with Duke Zargot
in person, but I'm still on the case. Keep an eye on the
News for more details as this unfolds.
JOURNEYWOMAN
JOURNEY TRIED FOR CRIMES AGAINST MING
by Spicy Scuttlebutt
What started out as a quiet Friday
evening soon turned to chaos when it was brought to
the attention of Fed staff that there was a
non-permitted, beer drinker roaming through the general
population of Federation. Hostess Uniquette was
dispatched at once to check out the allegations and found
the accused, Journey on the planet History. She
informed the defendant beer drinking was not allowed in
Fed, and asked for her ship permit (which Journey was
unable to produce). It was then discovered that
the unlicensed lush was also charading as the Dean of
Sexual Studies for Fed, and had on the prior evening
attempted to leave Sol with the voucher in hand. The
charges were verified by Pianoman, and the accused was
instructed to proceed to the courtroom on Earth at
10.00pm.
When asked if she was able to
grovel to help her case, Journey replied, "No, it is
not in my blood, if you want to sue me, stand in line...
the line starts to the right."
Word spread quickly as it was
broadcast across Sol on the comms. Quickly changing her
mood to "Not Guilty", Journey went on her way
to the courtroom. She was shocked to see the thirty-some
spectators who had packed the room to witness her
lynching first hand, and swiftly took a seat next to
Belleinva, her attorney. Amarushaya was pulled from the
mudbaths of Mars to preside over the crimes just moments
before David volunteered the services of his judicial
Magic 8-Ball. Uniquette read the charges to the Judge:
"Your honor, the People of Fed
bring the following charges; drinking beer while in Fed,
Being the Dean of Sexual studies at the University and
trying to remove the voucher from Sol. We also have
suspicions she smokes cigarettes in Fed."
The prosecution was skilled and
cunning in presenting their evidence, which included the
lack of permit, and copies of her ex description and
spynet report. The defense responded weakly with theories
of conspiracy, and presented a video of Uni and Galin
conspiring against Journey. Unfortunately, the tape also
captured the image of the honorable Judge in the
background, and was ruled out as submissable evidence.
Admitting defeat, Journey threw
herself at the mercy of the court, and requested her
fine. The honorable Judge gave serious consideration to
the crimes, and handed down sentencing: Washing the
Earth, Mars and Venus LPs on her hands and knees. A
position the Dean knows well.
Journey was dragged from the
courtroom, but could be heard screaming, "please...
take my husband instead!"
DEPARTMENT
OF SLAM LOSES MUTANTS
Rioting was quelled by Ming's
Imperial guard today outside the offices of SLAM (Space
Laboratory of Animal Mutations). SLAM Spokesperson Milton
Horsefreidnerligthen issued a statement soon after the
picketers were slaughtered. "His Imperial Majesty's
Administrator of Space Animal Research has investigated
recent claims of winged space creatures resembling
chickens attacking ships in Sol space and found the
accusations to be unfounded and totally ridiculous. SLAM
maintains its high standards of security and containment
and would never allow any of its experiments to roam
freely."
This reporter discovered, after a
few drinks greased the way with a high level official who
wishes to remain anonymous, that wasn't entirely true.
"Somehow one of those darn chickens escaped the
gravity pod and inverse anti-matter containment field.
Darn thing took off for orbit immediately! (**HIC**)
Damnedest thing you ever saw! That chicken was here one
second, and WHOOSH... the next it was on its way to the
Sol Link!" The unnamed official, who wishes to
remain anonymous, leaned closer until I could smell the
bourbon clearly enough to distinguish the year of its
make on her breath, "Lucky thing we never did splice
in that gene for link jumping! Darn thing could be
everywhere by now."
The official, who wishes to remain
anonymous, leaned back and sipped. "It was first
discovered when one of the scientists was on his way to
work and heard a comm from Raincloud regarding space
chickens. He shrugged it off at first, but when he got to
work decided he'd count the blasted things just in case.
Sure enough... one of them was gone." She shook her
head. "The worst part is not knowing how it got out.
If it's smart enough to get past an IAMC field, then how
long will it be until it figures out how to jump? Then
we'll have real problems!" I asked how a chicken
could become a problem to the Federation. She looked at
me gravely, "Because for one thing, the darn things
are attracted to comm messages, they seek out anyone
using a comm unit. For another, they self propagate, this
one could have had a 100 offspring by now and by next
week there could be 10,000, the next 100,000,000! You get
the picture. Now anyone using a comm unit is in danger of
the darn things flocking to his/her ship and clogging up
the exhaust systems. If they find their way inside the
ship it could be much worse", she leaned closer,
"We screwed up on one of the genes, instead of
preferring ship exhaust as we planned, the darn things
developed a fondness for eyeballs!"
She finished her Jim Beam, sighed
deeply and passed out. It's this reporter's opinion that
use of comms should be very limited while flying in your
ship in Sol. And God help us if these birds figure out
how to jump!
GALAXY
GALLERY
by Greta Gagdroid
Hola todas las personas (your
galactic translator assures you that I'm only saying
hello to all of you people). Welcome to another fabulous
recipe that will make you drool in your drink. If truth
be told this week, you might want to do some heavy
drinking before you start.
As I was roaming through the galaxy
in search of those unique delicious little tidbits, I was
approached by the only sea-god I know of in Fed,
Poseidon. After a few pleasantries were exchanges he
asked for a favor.
'Greta, I have a hankering for
something that's easy to fix and easy to eat on the
run. I'm so busy trying to run my duchy and cause
trouble all over Fed that I don't have time to sit
down to a full meal. Can you help me here?'
Well I couldn't let the poor
sea-god starve so I came up with a recipe that's just
perfect for Poseidon! Poseidon, wherever you are... this
one's just for you. Bon appetite!
After a bottle of the finest
tequila I could find, I give you...
FUBAR FAJITAS
Ingredients:
1 1/2 pounds Fubar sliced in
thin stripes about two inches long.
Marinade:
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup soya sauce
1/2 cup tequila (other than the bottle you're
drinking from)
3 tbs. Vinegar
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper
Mix ingredients and place with meat
into a plastic bag or in a shallow glass dish.
Refrigerate at least four hours or overnight, turning
three to four times. Remove meat from marinade, reserving
the liquid.
Grill meat on barbecue (or under
oven broiler) to desired doneness, brushing with marinade
once or twice.
Next, you need:
1 medium bell pepper, sliced in
lengthwise strips
1 medium onion, sliced in lengthwise strips
12 whole green onions
1 medium tomato cut into small wedges
12 9-inch flour or corn tortillas, warmed
Heat skillet over medium-high head
and sauté pepper and onion in 4 tbs. Marinade for 3 to 5
minutes until crisp-tender. Dip whole green onions in
marinade and lightly grill or broil. Add tomato to pepper
and onion at last minute to warm.
Place a tortilla across the palm of
your hand; fill with meat and sautéed vegetables, then
fold.
Top with salsa, sour cream,
guacamole, and/or cilantro.
I hope you all enjoy this months
feature recipe. Oh, and save a little of the marinade for
that nasty tequila hangover the next morning.
TERROR
ON THE CHANNELS
The normally quiet, peaceful,
serene channel 1 was in for quite a wakeup call this past
Saturday morning. A yet undisclosed individual broke onto
the help channel with an off-key rendition of:
"O~ CUM BY YA>.... My
Lorrrrd... CUM BY YA!".
While some onlookers were too
shocked to comment, others chipped in with
"Nooooo!",
"That's "Kumbaya". :)"
and
"He can't sing, AND he
can't spell.", "I'm not sure which is
worse!".
An emergency call was put into the
Imperial Music Police Service, who rushed onto the scene.
Taking stock of the situation they leapt into action and
dealt with this kilt clad music hater. As the IMPS lead
the individual off he had time for one last transmission:
"Well, if you could
really hear me I'd sing "Macho man" so
you could replay it in your head for another
month..."
This leaving one onlooker's words
ringing true;
"Sometimes I am so grateful
there is no sound in Fed".
|
MING